Thursday, April 30, 2009

Best Member of my Family?

Lowbrow Answer: Me
Look at me. I line my shelves with foreign DVDs, Radiohead is my favorite band, I pretend to enjoy reading Adorno, and I write a pretentious blog each day that tries to classify society using pseudo-intelligence. I'm the epitome of a blue-collar prole trying desperately to fake elitist sensibilities. I'm like that tramp Anne Boleyn.

Need more evidence? Here are some things I enjoy: Dancing in hip-hop clubs, "Smokin' Aces," fireworks, boobs, Applebees, Laguna Beach,, Seal's song "Love's Divine," NASCAR Racing, and rugby tackles. Say it with me now: low. brow.

Middlebrow Answer: My Parents, Paul and Paula
My mom went back to school at the age of 50 to get not one, but two masters degrees. What a monster. She's the CFO of a new company and slaps corporate tax law around like it were a red-headed stepchild. My dad designed high-tech machines that measured the interaction between radiation and matter as a function of wavelength, given energy as a variable once the relationship E = for photons was realized. It's called spectroscopy. You may it by its other name: "What-are-you-talking-about-what-the-hell-is-a-photon?"

The problem with my parents is that they're too happy. They bought some land in New Hampshire, built a house on it, and like to watch the sunset. They spent their evenings playing cards and relaxing instead of discussing the dialectic of commerce in 17th century Ireland or writing papers on the Greco-Turkish cultural diaspora. Basically, they smiled too much. Come on Moms and Pops, put down those Vodka-Tonics and pick up a copy of "The Communist Manifesto." You've got work to do.

Highbrow Answer: My Brother and Sister-in-Law, Greg and Emily
There are few things more highbrow than being paid to study, but that's just what The University of Michigan does for my brother. And it's not one of those bullshit PhD's like English Literature or Psychology. It's in something called Operations Research, which encompasses stuff like measure theory and stochastics. Basically, the kid does math so highbrow that it doesn't even involve numbers. Good lord.

Oh, and if that weren't enough, he's married to a woman who is just as good at math as he is. She also gets paid to study, only with her, it's for those actuarial exams that are impossible to pass. I'm terrified that their offspring will be some kind of super babies that will take over the world at the age of seven and enslave us all, forcing us to do long division in deep caves until our eyes melt.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Best Form of Government?

Lowbrow Answer: Democracy
Of the people, by the people, for the people? Which people? Because most of the ones I encounter have no idea what the hell they're talking about. This is the country where a third of the population doesn't believe in science because Jesus tells them it's a bad idea. Giving Americans the power to govern themselves is like giving a drunk three-year-old the keys to your car and telling him to get you to work; it's not going to end well.

This shit also takes too long. Anything that you want to get done is a month-long process of votes, hearings, panels, and discussions. Congress is just summer camp for grownup white men, except they're served shrimp and Perrier at lunch instead of hot dogs and bug juice.

Middlebrow Answer: Dictatorship
Stuff gets done quickly, there are lots of parades, and your country starts putting badass logos like iron eagles or death skulls all over everything. Cooooool. Plus, do we really need freedom of speech? For every intelligent person that has something to say, there are twelve jackoffs who want to rant about Britney Spears or cheese-in-a-can. I'm happy to keep my ideas to myself if it shuts them up.

Of course, the problem here is that the dictator himself is always a whiny bitch. Whether it's Hitler ("Wah, nobody loves me and my painting is unappreciated"), Mussolini ("Wah, nobody loves me and my last name sounds like pasta"), or Stalin ("Wah, nobody loves me and my mustache is too bushy"), you always get some crazy lunatic in charge who wants to kill a bunch of people. No, thanks.

Highbrow Answer: Oligarchy
Why have only one king when you can have two? An Oligarchy basically ensures that only elitist, well-educated people have a say in the government. Sounds highbrow to me. Oligarchy is great because if anybody says something moronic, you can just kick them out of the government. If only we had that power in this country after that whole "Freedom Fry" affair.

The most famous Oligarchy in history is Sparta, which had two kings and five elders to run the land. You remember Sparta, right? It's that place where all the men are trained to be muscley death machines from birth and where all the women have jobs and are educated? Where commerce flourished, the arts were appreciated, and the literacy rate was somewhere around 99 percent? No? You don't remember? What about Sir Thomas Moore's famous book "Utopia?" That's an oligarchy too. Highbrow, huh? You don't remember that one either? God, you're a moron. Good thing you have no say in this government.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Best Way to See Porn?

Lowbrow Answer: Download it Online
This is so boring. Where's the thrill? Downloading porn is like taking candy from a baby when there's nobody around to stop you; it's too easy. Everyone knows that a stolen lollipop tastes better when you steal it from under the nose of a watchful mother, not when you find it on the ground.

The other problem with downloading porn is that you only ever get clips. How am I supposed to know what happens to the horny plumber and the slutty housewife if all I get of the story is them humping on a washing machine? What about her husband? Will she leave her children? Will the plumber finally finish his night school classes and get his degree in Anal Fuckology?

Middlebrow Answer: Buy it from a Store
I like the idea of having the "Cum Dumpster 7" DVD on your shelf right next to "Rush Hour 2" and "The Usual Suspects." Buying porn is bold. It shows you have some knowledge of the genre, given you're willing to own certain titles permanently: "Yes, I do enjoy Peter North's early work, but I feel that his teabagging has lost its luster in recent years."

The problem here is the act of buying the DVD itself is sometimes a bit strange. You're standing in line at the adult video store across from the airport, an overweight, sweaty dude is in front of you, and he's carrying the entire "Ass Spelunking: The Cave of Wonders" series, and you have a slight erection from the video screens in the store that are playing footage of two blond lesbians rimming each other. Not exactly an upper-class experience, methinks.

Highbrow Answer: Go to a Theater
Does anybody even do this anymore? There's a theater in Los Angeles that I drive by all the time, but I've never seen anybody going in or coming out. Maybe the showings are all at midnight. Or even better, maybe they're all at 11.30 in the morning when everyone's at work. Only then do the upper elite porn socialites come out in their ball gowns and tuxedos for a screening of "The Pretty Titty Committee." Classy.

Watching porn in a theater is so intense. You get some Milk Duds and a Sprite on the way in and you sit down and watch people fuck each other for 2 hours with no pause button and no privacy. Sound kinda weird and not very much fun? That's exactly why it's highbrow.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Best American Flag?

Lowbrow Answer: The American Flag
We're so boring. Other countries have pictures of animals or weird writing on their flags. What do we have? Horizontal bars. Awesome. And the shitty thing is that our flag is totally temporal. Every time we add a state, the design has to change. We're as flighty as that cooky Scarlett Johansson in every Woody Allen film she's ever been in.

The really silly part is that our flag looks almost identical to other world flags. Here we are claiming to be the most awesome and unique country on the planet and we're marching under a banner that people could mistake for Malaysia's. God damn you, Betsy Ross. Why didn't you sew a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex holding a Bazooka and reading a Playboy on the flag like I wanted? Now THAT would have been an American Fucking Flag.

Middlebrow Answer: The Bedford Flag
This flag was carried at the Battle of Concord in 1775. The inscription reads, "Conquer or Die." Imagine how awesome America would be if we all still thought like that in our daily lives: "Fix the economy or die." "Build a car that gets 120 mpg or die." "Figure out a way to deep-fry a Popsicle or die."

This flag is, however, kinda pink. And the armor on the arm makes it seem like the American Revolution was fought in 1328. The original is housed in the Bedford, Massachusetts Town Library, which probably means it's only ever seen by upper-middle class 5th graders on field trips.

Highbrow Answer: The Serapis Flag
The Serapis flag was flown by John Paul Jones on his boat of the same name. Jones was the original American Naval hero, careening around the Atlantic kicking the shit out of British ships. He was a 'Marauder' in the "I'm a blood-thirsty pirate who pillages foreign vessels and slaughters tyrant military officers" sense of the word, not in the "I'm a dopey kid from New Mexico who plays tight end for the Alacoma High School Marauders" way.

The best part of this flag was that it was given to John Paul Jones by Benjamin Franklin. Franklin loved the "work" that Jones was doing on behalf of the colonies, and wanted to make sure everyone knew that it was America who was sinking all those English ships. Benjamin Franklin giving you your own American flag is like Lebron James and Kobe Bryant starting their own NBA team and choosing you as their starting center.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Best Comedian?

Lowbrow Answer: Dane Cook
Here's every Dane Cook bit you've ever heard: "Roar! Loud noises! Hooking up with girls! Roar!" Funny, right? Where the hell did we get this guy. I'm even from where he's from (Boston-ish) and I can't stand him. Dane Cook is basically the Michael Bay of Comedy: There are lots of explosions but nothing really happens.

And look at the guy's film credits. "My Best Friend's Girl?" "Employee of the Month?" "Good Luck Chuck?" I feel like I'm just listing Razzie Award-winners. Even Eddie Murphy has done better with his post stand-up career, and he was in "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." Stop doing films, Dane. You have the skill set of a rodeo clown.

Middlebrow Answer: Bill Cosby
The best thing about Cosby is that his stories were so good that even when they weren't spot-on funny, they were interesting. And while he may lack the edge of Pryor or Carlin, he was still able to make you laugh without it. It's like if you were about to fight an African Lion and somebody offered you a sword as a weapon but you took a toothbrush instead. And still won.

That being said, his sweaters are ridiculous. And Jello? Come on man, you're better than that. His later career spiralled downward into children's cartoons and silly reality shows like "Kids say the Darndest Things." What happened, Cosby? Did you get Brain Damage?

Highbrow Answer: Andy Kaufman
I don't even know what this guy was talking about half the time he was on stage. It's kinda like how I feel when I'm reading Marx. He sings animal songs, he does weird voices, and he stares off into space a lot. Reminds me of that weird kid Conlan that used to sit in the back class in 5th grade. Everbody knows one of those kids. Kaufman is Conlan, all grown up.

Plus he was on the first episode ever of Saturday Night Live, and that alone makes him pretty legendary. The Mighty Mouse bit is one of the best sketches I've ever seen. You don't agree? You like Chris Kattan better? Maybe Will Ferrell? You're an idiot. Stop talking.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Best Football Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Any Given Sunday
Is this a movie or just a series of music videos, I can't really tell. And look, I know that Jim Brown and Laurence Taylor were good football players in real life, but that doesn't mean they're good actors. Sorry guys, but not everbody is talented enough to have two careers like Eminem or Paris Hilton.

My favorite part of this movie is that it's not sanctioned by the NFL, so you're stuck cheering for teams like The Sharks or The Knights. Come on, Oliver Stone. You have enough money to hire Al Pacino and Cameron Diaz, but you can't afford the rights to the NFL franchises? That's like paying the cover at a titty bar and then not getting a dance because you're out of cash. What's the point?

Middlebrow Answer: Remember the Titans
The acting is good, the football is good, and the story is true. Plus there's nothing better than when the racist opposing players are getting demolished by black kids. It's kind of like the satisfaction you feel when a homophobe is given a really great haircut by a gay stylist. Still hate the queers now, buddy?

The issue here is that this script is riddled with tear-jerking moments that make you want to kill yourself. Denzel's speech at Gettysburg, the fat kid's ability to love everyone, the captain's career-ending injury and subsequent realization that race doesn't matter. We get it. They've overcome obstacles. Racism is bad. Be nice to everyone. Blah, blah, blah. Now can we get back to Denzel yelling at the kids like a drill sargent? THAT'S entertainment.

Highbrow Answer: Friday Night Lights
This movie is depressing. It's based on a true story about a small Texas school who makes it to the state championship. And loses. They lose. There's no come-from-behind victory, no fourth-quarter heroics. They lose the game. I think it's the only movie in history where that happens. Although, I guess "Downfall" would count. Make that two movies where the team loses.

The entire soundtrack was written by Explosions in the Sky, a post-rock band from Texas that plays whistfully long tracks with no lyrics. It makes any scene three times more tragic. They could show footage of happy little kids and golden retriever puppies on Christmas morning and I'd still start crying if that music were playing.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Best Male X-Man?

Lowbrow Answer: Cyclops
God, this dude is annoying. He's that Eagle Scout who'll never let you forget that he's an Eagle Scout. Blow me, Scott Summers. And have you seen his outfits when he's not in uniform? It's always a polo shirt and khakis. What are you, a sixteen-year-old boarding school student in dress code?

And sorry, but Jean Grey? Really? With all the other hot female mutants in skin-tight costumes out there, you chose Jean Grey? You could be floating above the earth, having sex inside a tornado with Storm, but instead you're at home watching CNN with the red-haired, boring chick who always has a headache.

Middlebrow Answer: Wolverine
He heals too fast for you to kill him, his skeleton is covered in indestructible metal, and he has claws in his hands. Plus he's always smoking a cigar and talking shit to the bad guys. He's the mutant Terrell Owens: unreliable and kinda problematic, but super talented and hard to ignore.

The problem with Wolverine is that he's too pouty. Boo hoo, Jean Gray doesn't like me. Wah, I can't remember my past. Get over it, you pussy. We have bad guys to demolish. Stop whining about who your parents may have been and come cut this dude's head off.

Highbrow Answer: Cable
Ever heard of this guy? Didn't think so. He's a future mutant who shows up in later versions of the X-Men series and he's totally badass. He's been infected with a Techno-Organism, which basically turns half his body into a robot and gives him enhanced abilities like perfect aim and time-travel. If only real-world diseases gave you special powers. Then I wouldn't be working so hard to get rid of this Lupus.

The best thing about Cable is that he doesn't give a shit about anyone. He's more of a dick than even Wolverine is. He jumps through time, killing bad guys at will and then disappearing again as he pleases. His biggest adventure is something called The Messiah Complex, wherein he must protect a super-mutant child from galactic douchebags. I wish I were a super-mutant child. Then maybe Cable would finally return my phone calls.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Best Menu Item at McDonalds?

Lowbrow Answer: The Big Mac
A Big Mac sounds like an 18-wheeler freight truck, which makes sense, because that's what it feels like coming out the other end. Why would I order a sandwich that insists on holding a fight club in my lower intestine every time I eat it?

And I don't care how many catchy jingles you write, I'll never trust the "special" sauce. Why is Fast Food the only place in our lives where they can offer us special sauce and we accept it without question. If some dude came up to me in a bar or a gas station or an elementary school and offered me "special sauce," I'd think he was about to date-rape me.

Middlebrow Answer: The Premium Caesar Salad
I'm sure these are healthier for you than the rest of the menu. Not because they're actually nutritious, but because even a Blow Pop is healthier than the grease-soaked meat product vagaries on the rest of the menu.

But come on, ordering a salad at McDonald's is like paying a prostitute to play checkers with you. You can do it, but it seems silly.

Highbrow Answer: The Filet-O-Fish
Now this is class. None of that "cow" or "chicken" product here. Just pure Ocean-bred Alaskan Pollock. It's Hindu-friendly, it's Muslim-friendly if you observe Halal, and it's Lent-friendly for those Christians on the go. It's basically the sandwich version of global religious harmony.

And how about that tartar sauce? That shit is incredible. They should just call it "Happy Paste." Chopped pickles, capers, onions, chives, and fresh parsley in a mayonnaise and horseradish sauce? Where am I, Top Chef? The name comes from the Tatars, a Turkic people who live primarily in Russia. I'm sorry, the history of Tartar sauce involves "Turkic peoples?" High. Fucking. Brow.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Best Marathon?

Lowbrow Answer: New York City Marathon
Is the New York City Marathon the oldest? Nope. That's Boston. Is it the most competitive? Nope. Chicago and Berlin are in the same month and have better elite fields. Is it the fastest? Nope. That would be Chicago, London, or Berlin. Sorry, NYC, but I'm running out of superlatives here. At least your marathon is the "New-Yorkiest."

This race markets itself as the "World's largest marathon," which means there are thousands of worthless runners in the back of the pack who are taking breaks every two miles to get a hot dog from a street vendor. Sorry guys, but if you're a normal person and it takes you more than five and a half hours to run a marathon, you haven't really "finished." Kinda like how if you're sitting in a room while some guy bones Carmen Electra, you haven't really had sex with her, ya know?

Middlebrow Answer: Antarctic Ice Marathon
It's freezing, it's snowing, and you're at 80 degrees south latitude. The only way to even get to this race is by private plane. And with the exception of the occasional Yeti, there are no cheering fans at this one. You're on your own, sweetheart.

All that being said, come on. There are like five people in this race. All you did was put your marathon in a weird place to get some attention. It's like how Paris Hilton doesn't wear underpants on purpose and then gets out of cars like she's giving birth. I should hold a marathon in the sewers of Detroit and see if I can make some money: "The Motor City Shit Run 2009"

Highbrow Answer: Boston Marathon
This race is money. It's the oldest, it's got heartbreak hill, and it has no title sponsor. It's just, "The Boston Marathon." Remember the good ole days when sports had no title sponsors? When the "TD Banknorth Garden" was just "The Boston Garden" or "Wrigley Field" was just "That Place Where the Cubs Play?"

The only way to officially qualify for this race is to either hit a standard time or give a bunch of money to charity. So the only people in the marathon are either super fast or super nice. If only life were like that. The world would be a far better place if I only ever met people who were really fast marathoners or who gave a ton of money to charity. We'd be a population of tall, lanky
runner philanthropists. I'm pretty sure that's the world Thomas Moore had in mind when he wrote "Utopia."

Friday, April 17, 2009

Best Table Game?

Lowbrow Answer: Beirut (Beer Pong)
Why can't Americans just get drunk? Why do we need all the bells and whistles? Go to a bar in England and they'll drink six Stellas and take two tequila shots and they're ready to go. They don't fuck around with all this drinking game nonsense. If I want to have an orgasm, I don't play tennis with my penis until I get off; I masturbate. Pure and simple.

And why is called Beirut? No wonder the Middle East hates our guts. We take their oil, we call them evil, and we name our drinking games after their cities. I'm surprised we haven't renamed pooping as "Dropping a Saudi Arabia" yet.

Middlebrow Answer: Ping-Pong
This sport proves the idea that context is everything. Play ping-pong with your buddies at college and it looks stupid and lame. Play ping-pong with your buddies at the Olympics and it looks fucking terrifying. Have you ever seen the Chinese play? That shit could take your eye out.

The problem with Ping-Pong is that as cool a game as it is when you take it seriously, it's gotten shit on in Hollywood. Think about it. Football has "Brian's Song." Baseball has "Bull Durham" or "Field of Dreams." And Ping-Pong has "Balls of Fury" or "Ping Pong Playa." Kill me.

Highbrow Answer: Snooker
Snooker is like a clitoris; everybody has heard of it but nobody can tell me what it looks like. After some research, I can tell you that, basically, it's highbrow pool. Most of the balls are red and it's only played in England. Oh, England. Why are you so much awesomer than us with your cool accents and your Clive Owen and your Snooker?

The whole thing is based on the geometry of angles. So, if you're a flaming math nerd with a small portion of fine motor skills, you should be fine. And any pursuit where your ability is directly related to your math skill is automatically highbrow. Just look at rocket science or stochastics. (Don't feel dumb, I don't know what that last one is either.)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Best German Car Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Volkswagen
Who the hell is naming these things? The Jetta? The Rabbit? The Touareg? All of Volkswagen's cars sound like characters from some sort of freaky Japanese Animé. And come on. The Golf? You're naming a car after a sport? What's next, the Ford Ice Hockey? The Toyota Rhythmic Gymnasatics?

"Volkswagon" basically translates to "The People's Car" in English, which means that VW is, by definition, lowbrow. They've basically named their company after the proletariat. Nice work, marketing department.

Middlebrow Answer: BMW
These cars a pretty slick. They run well, they drive fast, and they look nice. That being said, they seem to have a pretty high concentration of assholes behind their wheels. And not the elite, handsome, smarter than you assholes; the dumb, shave their chesthair, wear too much hair gel assholes.

Bavarian Motor Works started off making airplane engines, which is where their logo comes from. A white propeller against a blue sky. Of course, they built war planes for the Third Reich and only switched to cars when the Allies told them they had to stop making bombers. Nazi pricks.

Highbrow Answer: DaimlerChrysler
These are the guys behind Mercedes Benz and Smart, among a host of other brands. So, basically, they're building the classiest cars in the country as well as the most innovative. Nice work, guys.

What impresses me most about this company is that it also builds amazing trucks. Like, big freight-carrying ones. So in the same day, they spit out the best luxury sedans and the best 18-wheelers. THAT'S versatility. It's like Davinci or P. Diddy: anything they touch turns to gold.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Best Peak of The Seven Summits?

Lowbrow Answer: Mt. Kilimanjaro (Africa)
I can think of only three people I know who have climbed this mountain. One is a 55-year-old retired florist, and the other two are the most annoying and nonathletic father/daughter team in history. In other words, this mountain is the Britney Spears of the seven summits: Anyone can do it.

And what's with the name? Apparently, it breaks down as Kilima, which is Swahili for "hill" or "little mountain" and Njaro, meaning "caravan." So let me get this straight. This is the tallest mountain on the continent, and the natives call it "Little Caravan?" Wussy. I bet the other mountains beat the shit out of Kilimanjaro behind Seven Summit High School.

Middlebrow Answer: Mt. Everest (Asia)
Yeah, okay, it's the tallest. But remember. It's not how long your penis is, it's what you do with it. And Everest isn't making anybody cum, if you understand my metaphor. It's too overexposed. Nobody wants to have sex with Ron Jeremy anymore, you know?

Plus, if you find yourself on Everest, you've probably got 87 Sherpas nearby, helping you poop and brush your teeth at high altitude, and chances are that Jon Krakauer is following you. But hey. It IS the tallest.

Highbrow Answer: Denali (North America)
Now THIS is a mountain. No lame translations here: "Denali" is the local name for the mountain, meaning "The Great One." Bad ass. It also requires a larger vertical climb than Everest because it's base isn't on a plateau. Suck on that, Krakauer.

Because of its latitude, this mountain is fucking cold. Temperatures as low as −75.5 °F and windchills as low as −118.1 °F have been recorded on the slopes. So. To recap: more climbing than Everest, better name, and cold as shit. Denali reminds me of Kevin Spacey in "The Usual Suspects:" It's quiet and goes unnoticed until you try to fuck with it. Then it kills you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Best Civil War Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Cold Mountain
Who the hell cast this thing? Jude Law? Here's a quick history lesson for you. People who lived during the 1860's didn't have low-sodium, no carb Diet Coke or all-natural, organic open-range, gluten-free chicken. They ate meat and potatoes. That's it. The women didn't look like Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellweger; they looked like Kathy Bates or Liam Neeson.

Don't take a historical event and dump a love story all over it. We didn't want to watch "Titanic" and we don't want to watch this. What's next? "Hearts over Chernobyl?"

Middlebrow Answer: Glory
Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick, and the always under-appreciated Carey Elwes highlight the story of the first black regiment for the Union.This movie is like getting a blowjob from a cultural history textbook: it feels amazing and you're learning. The scene where they whip Denzel for stealing a pair of shoes is one of the most powerful moments in Cinema.

The downside of this is the whole "group of diverse people come together to acheive the unachievable" theme. Laaaaame. There's nothing more middlebrow than surmounting impossible obstacles. Just look at "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets."

Highbrow Answer: Gettysburg
It's four and a half hours long, it's extremely accurate, and there are almost no women in it. Sounds like a Noam Chomsky lecture. To actually see what it must have been like to fight at Gettysburg is both terrifying and awesome. Note to self. Stay the fuck away from Little Round Top.

Also, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlin is honestly the most badass American soldier to ever live. He reads highbrow foreign authors, he teaches literature, and he slaughters Confederates. The guy could burn down my house and I'd still go gay for him.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Best Gas Stations?

Lowbrow Answer: ExxonMobile
ExxonMobile is the largest and douchebaggiest gasoline company in the United States. They don't acknowledge same-sex marriages for company benefits, they've been known to bribe third-world country leadership to ensure high profits, and they're accused of knowingly assisting human rights violations in Indonesia, including torture, murder, and rape. Way to go, guys. You make Wal-Mart look like a Mom'n'Pop general store in upsate Minnesota.

Plus, they decided it would be a good idea to dump 10.8 million gallons of crude oil into the ocean in 1989. As if I didn't already hate them enough, now they're going to kill baby seals and pengiuns in Alaska? Fuck you, ExxonMobile. I love baby seals. They're nature's bon-bons.

Middlebrow Answer: BP Global
They use cleaner, ethanol-infused fuel, they're building wind farms and solar panel factories, and most of their stations look like space ships. I wish all the places I went looked like space ships. It would make my visits to the dentist far more enjoyable.

On the other hand, the chief executive of this company is Lord John Browne, Baron Browne of Madingley. Elitist prick. The guy already has more money than I can even imagine, does his name really need to be a whole sentence? This reeks of Bourgeois desperation. Madingley is probably some parking lot in South London that's full of bums and prep school kids buying cocaine.

Highbrow Answer: Citgo
Okay, sorry, but the sign over Fenway Park is cool. It's not often that a corporation manages to become part of a city's cultural landscape. Citgo also sponsored the Cities Service Concerts on NBC radio from 1925 to 1956, which encompassed a variety of vocalists and musicians. Imagine that, a large company giving money to the arts. These days, that's about as rare as a Nicholas Cage movie coming out that anybody is like, super excited to see.

Citgo also gives money to the Boston Marathon and is the largest corporate sponsor of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. These guys are amazing. They're like finding a bag of money where the bag itself is also made of money.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Best Time for Sex?

Lowbrow Answer: Night
Boooooring. You cant' see shit, you're exhausted from the menial job you work, and everyone else in your tiny apartment is quietly sleeping. Having sex at night is like asking Picasso to paint your house; sure, he could do it, but your wasting his potential.

The real issue here is that nighttime sex generally means that the bonesawing is happening in a bed, which is the most boring possible place for it. Come on, you're young and foolish, what are you doing? Go out into the world! Defile a theatre or a Suburu or the playground of a daycare center. Live, man!

Middlebrow Answer: Morning
There are few things better than waking up with some of your manbits in somebody else's mouth, if you understand me. It's like nature's alarm clock. You've probably also got some raging morning wood going here, so there's none of the usual foreplay shenanigans. Just get right to it!

The problem with this one is that the day is waiting for you. As much fun as you're having dressing your girlfriend up like a 14th century Prussian Nun and having her talk dirty to you about the impending Flemish invasion, you both know in the back of your minds that you're only 40 minutes away from being in an office for twelve hours. Buzzkill.

Highbrow Answer: Afternoon
Jackpot. You're awake, you're energized, and you've got all the time in the world to dress up like Mork and Mindy and chase each other around the house. Spice it up by ordering a pizza and answering the door naked.

The best part about the afternoon is that most other people are doing normal things like laundry or taxes while you have you're balls deep in a loved one. Afternoon sex gives you the wonderful opportunity to answer a phone call from your mom while your girlfriend is sitting on your face.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Best Band Logo With an Animal in it?

Lowbrow Answer: The Radiohead Bear
See, it's like an evil Mickey Mouse. Do you get it? It's meant to symbolize the shallow and dangerous nature of major synergistic corporations like Disney who are slowly pillaging both the economic and cultural values of today's post-modern capitalist society, blah, blah, blah, the raindrops, the raindrops, the raindrops.

The problem with this one is that it's trying too hard. I hate knowing that the band paid a phat amount of money for some graphic artist just to doodle a teddy bear with fangs. Hey Thom Yorke, I just took a dump on my ex-girlfriend's pillow. You want a picture of it? It can be on the cover of your next album.

Middlebrow Answer: The Deftones Horse
Horses are money. They are super fast, very tall, and can jump over shit. They're basically the animal version of Lebron James. The nice thing about this logo is that it's subtle. The horse is in sillouhette and the name of the band is in all-lowercase letters. ee cummings used to print his name in all-lowercase as a sign of humility to those who were reading his work. Bad. Ass.

Oh wait, actually, horses are sort of lame. They're like sissy, anorexic versions of bison. Plus only very rich people can afford to own them, which means whenever you see a horse, it's likely to have a douchebag riding on top of it.

Highbrow Answer: The Marilyn Manson Mouse
This thing is terrifying and silly all at the same time. It's a knockoff of the Third Reich's SS logo, for those of you playing at home. Thematically, Manson's mock portrayal of fascism and Nazi imagery is reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin's highly controversial film, "The Great Dictator," which is hot shit. Chaplin is a legend. You can suck it, 1950's Communist Tribunals.

I can hear some of you asking, "Why is this logo highbrow and the Radiohead Bear isn't, even though they both look pretty similar?" Good question, my friends. The answer is simple. The Manson logo is a cracked human skull and crossbones that subtly satirizes both the most infamous totalitarian leader to ever live as well as this country's largest producer of mass-consumed childrens' entertainment. The Radiohead logo is a happy teddy bear with googly eyes. Now shut up and stop asking questions.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Best German Classical Composer?

Lowbrow Answer: Ludwig Von Beethoven
Ode to Joy? Really? You're going to write an epic symphony, your last, in fact, and you're going to call it "Ode to Joy?" Why not "Ode to Puppies and Sunshine and Butterflies?" Happy people blow.

The only reasons anybody knows who you are is that they've either seen "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" where you're introduced as "Beeth-Oven," or they've seen Charlie Brown cartoons where Schroeder plays your Moonlight Sonata over and over again until I want to kill myself. Either way, my friend, you're deaf and you're lowbrow.

Middlebrow Answer: Richard Wagner
Wagner's Ring Cycle is the most epic opera ever written. It's basically four operas in a row that take seventeen hours to perform. I can't even sleep for seventeen hours in a row, let alone write an opera of that length. Well played, Richard.

On the other hand, you're an anti-Semitic douche. You wrote essays on why Jews are inferior creatures and Hitler and his Nazi buddies all listened to your work. Asshole. Besides, my feelings concerning The Ring Cycle are identical to my feelings concerning a Porn-star's Penis: Just because it's long doesn't automatically mean I want it in my ears.

Highbrow Answer: Johannes Brahms
You know that piece of music that has become the Lullaby? The one that gets played during Loony Tunes cartoons when Daffy Duck is sleeping and Bugs Bunny is sneaking up on him with a sledgehammer? Brahms wrote that. He wrote the lullaby. What the fuck have you done recently?

It's also widely rumored that Brahms seduced Schumann's wife, Clara. What a legend. He could have gone after any girl in 1860's Vienna and who does he choose? Schumann's wife. That's like being offered a choice between fighting a Whooping Crane or fighting a Velociraptor, and choosing the raptor. Just because you enjoy a challenge.