Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Best Alter-Ego in "Calvin & Hobbes"?

Lowbrow Answer: Spaceman Spiff
Spaceman Spiff is the single worst pilot in the history of space travel. He's always lost, he's always crashing his ship into some desolate rock, and he's always getting attacked by weird creatures. How the hell did he even graduate from the Intergalactic Universe Academy or wherever? He's the underachieving frat-boy douchebag of the Star Fleet.

What's Spaceman Spiff even doing anyway? Just exploring the galaxy? Who is paying for this? Is he on commission? He isn't drawing any maps. He isn't sending any reports home. I don't understand why he's out there. How about he get his lazy ass home and take care of his family. Deadbeat.

Middlebrow Answer: Tracer Bullet
Tracer Bullet is some serious shit. He doesn't fuck around. He fights crime, he carries a .38 revolver, and he doesn't take your sass. And he wears a fedora. I need to start wearing one of those. Then maybe my yoga teacher will take me seriously.

On the other hand, Tracer Bullet is a total misogynist and I hate misogynists. They're just as bad as homophobes, racists, and Twilight fans on Team Edward. (I'm sorry, but Jacob is way better. Edward can take his pasty skin and his emo brooding and shove it.) Anyway. To the point. Don't mistreat women. They're really nice people and they let you have sex with them.

Highbrow Answer: T-Rex
Screw cool names and secret identities and moron spacemen. I'll just be a dinosaur. I want to step on stuff and eat Brontosauruses and scare the bejesus out of passing Jurassic Park visitors. A T-Rex is the physical embodiment of every man's dream day-job: wake up, eat red meat, destroy things at will, go to sleep.

Calvin's version of a T-Rex is great because he's all hopped up on testosterone and sugar. I imagine a normal T-Rex is probably pretty docile most of the time, but not Calvin. He's always attacking villagers or eating the Golden Gate Bridge. Destruction is totally highbrow. Fuck creating something new. We're all going to die anyhow, so let's just break stuff until we do.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Best "stan" Country?

Lowbrow Answer: Kazakhstan
Let me guess this straight. You had to pick a day for Khazakh independence, and you chose December 25th? Really? You didn't think that maybe people were already busy on that day? Like, maybe they had a tree to decorate or presents to open or an important birthday to celebrate? No wonder nobody comes to your Independence Day parades. Idiots.

And does anybody else want to stab Borat in the eye with a spoon? Yes, the movie was funny. Yes, Sacha Baron Cohen is amazing. No, I don't want you hear you say, "Very nice!" Yes, I would like it if you crashed your SUV into a brick wall. No, I will not cry at your funeral.

Middlebrow Answer: Afghanistan
Okay, fair play to any country that can successfully piss the United States off and get away with it. Afghanistan is that kid in your neighborhood who throws rocks at your house but never gets caught. And you wonder why your windows keep breaking and why your wife lives in fear and you'll never know because that little kid is a wily motherfucker.

Although, on the other hand, Afghans are lame. The dogs, not the people. They've got long, flowing blond hair and skinny legs. They look four-legged versions of like Paris Hilton, only way cuter. If Suzanne Sommers got turned into a dog in some low-budget, whimsical Disney film, she'd be an Afghan.

Highbrow Answer: Kyrgyzstan
Okay, on the count of three, correctly pronounce the name of this country.




Kyrgyzstan sounds like some special type of corrosive chemical or a Godzilla monster or the secret code for a nuclear launch site. Any way you roll it, it's badass. Just imagine how much cooler you'd be if your name were Kyrgyzstan. Maybe then I'd be your friend. Maybe.