Thursday, December 16, 2010

Best Biblical Christmas Personality?

Lowbrow Answer: The Three Kings
Guys, it's called FedEx. I appreciate the effort it takes to cross a thousand miles of desert, but you're totally wasting whatever it is that makes camels go. Just throw your frankincense and your myrrh and your "Dora the Explorer" DVD's into a UPS envelope and be done with it. Jesus is just a baby anyway, he's not going to remember you were even there.

I'm not exactly sure why you're bringing Jesus presents in the first place. You're Kings. Don't you have like, important royal business to attend to? Ya know, proclamations to make and illegitimate children to father and peasants to behead? You don't even know this Christ kid. What if he had grown up to be some lacrosse-playing, I-banking, date-raping douche hat? How would history have remembered you THEN?

Middlebrow Answer: The Virgin Mary
You gotta give props to any woman that pops a baby out who becomes the savior of mankind. I can just picture her at Starbucks, showing off in front of the other moms: "How's Jesus? Oh, you know, just out curing the blind and walking on water and rescuing all humanity from sin." I also gotta hand it to any woman that lives through a fuck-session with God himself. I bet the guy screws like a polar bear on PCP. He probably blows a load like an Asian tsunami.

Of course, in reality, Mary is just another one of those lame housewives who measures herself by no other standard than the success of her children. Boooooring. Why don't you go buy yourself a new dress, Mary. Join the bridge club. Take some rowing lessons. You gotta get out from under the heavy shadow off that overachieving brat of yours.

Highbrow Answer: Herod the Great
I'm sure you're really proud of being a marketing consultant or a corporate accountant or whatever bullshit white-collar job you do, but you're a nobody compared to Herod the Great. Did you build the fortresses at Masada, Antonia, and Herodium? How about the entire port city of Caesarea? You have anything to do with the huge edifice at the top of the Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron? No? You didn't? Oh, that's right, it was Herod the Great. Suck it. Suck it, everyone. (Except for Herod. He doesn't have to suck it.)

"But wait," you may be thinking. "Wasn't Herod the guy who drowned his own brother to consolidate his power? Didn't he murder all of his sons and have his wife killed? Wasn't he an unstable menace who butchered anybody that didn't agree with him?" Why, yes. Yes he was. But who needs a family? Bunch of annoying, greedy free-loaders if you ask me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Best Christmas Personality?

Lowbrow Answer: Santa Claus
He's disturbingly overweight, he lives in the middle of nowhere in a little house, and he only works one day a year. He's basically the Unabomber with a cholesterol problem. And I'm sorry, but when did it become okay to break into people's houses to give candy and toys to children? He sees me when I'm sleeping? I'm surprised Santa hasn't been on "To Catch a Predator" yet.

Santa is bullshit. Every kid I knew growing up got presents. Even the little shithead rich brats or the Podunk idiots who'd kick my shins in the hallway. Where was your "naughty" list then, you fat prick? What's the point of me studying hard and following all the rules if it means nothing at Christmas? I could have been out throwing snowballs at cars on the highway or lighting frogs on fire - instead, I wasted 3rd grade learning about Earth Science.

Middlebrow Answer: The Elves
Elves can do anything. One day, they're fighting off legions of Uruk-Hai at the battle of Helm's Deep, the next they're hand-crafting dresses for Polly Pocket. What a versatile species. I wonder what would happen if you bred an elf with a human being. Actually, I think that's already happened once. It's called, "Danny Devito."

How is the Department of Labor not all over this? An army of midgets making toys around the clock for no pay and no pension? Can you say, "lawsuit?" I'm surprised Nike hasn't made a deal with Santa for some of his workforce. I bet elves could make soccer cleats way quicker than depressed, undereducated, chain-smoking Chinese children.

Highbrow Answer: Blitzen
Rudolph may get all the credit, but if you ask me which reindeer is probably calling all the shots behind the scenes, I'm saying it's Blitzen. How could it not be? Let's say you're Prancer or Donner. Who are you taking orders from? The dopey runt with the glowing red nose or the chiseled badass who's named after a terrifying form of German warfare? I rest my case.

If Santa's team of reindeer were an ensemble action movie, then Blitzen is totally Brad Pitt in "Oceans 11" or Vinnie Jones in any Guy Richie film or Insectosaurus in "Monsters vs. Aliens." He's the awesome, ruthless hero behind the wimpy, lovelorn hero. Oh, and there's no question that Blitzen is totally porking Vixen. You know they sneak off to Santa's sleigh whenever they can for a little session in the back seat. Hot.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's NBA Basketball Season Again. I Hope...

Lowbrow Answer: ...The Celtics or Lakers Win the Championship
I'm sorry, gold and purple? Really? Whose dumb idea was that? Because somebody should find that guy and shove a lawnmower up his ass. And look, I understand that you're called the "Lakers" because your franchise started out in Minnesota, but come on. There aren't any lakes in Los Angeles. There aren't any trees or clean air either. Even our rivers are fake. Maybe you should change your name to something more LA, like the "Traffics" or the "Budget Crises" or the "Massive homeless population and failing school system-s."

The only thing worse than a Laker is a Celtic. Fucking Boston. It's the racist, white-bred, Irish-Catholic capital of the Union. With a shitty accent. There's nothing like meeting a cute girl at a bar who leans in close and says, "Yah Fahkin' hawt. Wanna go screw in my cah?" The Celtics have won the NBA Championship a record 17 times, including a stretch of eight in a row. Fuck that. Fuck winners. Fuck the Celtics and the Yankees and the Spanish National Soccer Team and Lance Armstrong. Winners can blow me.

Middlebrow Answer: ...The Heat Win the Championship
Hey, Cleveland. Get over it. Labron James is a professional basketball player, not Mother Theresa. What the fuck did you expect him to do? Stay in Ohio? Are you kidding? He's a multi-millionaire and he's black. He belongs in a rap video, pouring champagne onto naked chicks, not in Cleveland, blowing chalk dust into the air for legions of corn-husking, swing-stating white people.

Look, I hate the Heat as much as anybody, but fuck it - at least they're interesting. Most of the NBA is so boring. I mean, the NFL has their juiced-up, gun-toting concussion jockeys and the NHL has their toothless, Manitoban fist-fighters and Major League Baseball has Manny Ramirez. What the fuck does the NBA have? Steve Nash? Booooooring. Cut your hair, you dirty hippie.

Highbrow Answer: ...All of the Players Die in a Forest Fire.
My god, basketball is useless. It's literally the same thing over and over again. Like, 200 times. Like, kill me. At least in other sports, scoring points actually matters. But not in Hoops. You shoot an amazing three-pointer? Who cares, we're still losing by 27. You block a shot? Big deal, they're going to take 95 more of them before we're done here. Basketball needs to add some element of surprise, like let one of the point guards ride a snowmobile for the second quarter or have an angry wolverine guard the free-throw line. THEN I'd watch.

Basketball players are the worst. They're all eight feet tall and block my view when I go to see "Harry Potter" movies and have sex with all the women in my town. Fuck you and your cool tattoos and your bling and your fancy cars, Carmelo Anthony. You're making me look bad. Forest fires, on the other hand, are fucking awesome. It's like a regular fire, only pissed-off and on speed.