Monday, October 31, 2011

Best Halloween Costume?

Lowbrow Answer: "Sexy" Anything
Listen, sweetheart. I know you've got really low self-esteem because your ex-frat-boy boyfriend would rather watch NFL games than have sex with you, but do we really need to see you squeeze your formerly perky ass into a pair of black booty shorts so that you can tell everyone you're a "cat?" Newsflash: cats don't wear high heels or have a bellybutton piercing or get drunk on two Smirnoff Ices. (Well, okay, maybe that last one is true - I have no idea how many Smirnoff Ices it takes to get a cat wasted.)
I like boobs and ass and low self-confidence as much as the next guy, but come on. If I wanted to see some girl's naughty-bits in public, I'd just drop a roofie in her vodka-soda and then drag her outside. Problem solved.

Middlebrow Answer: "Scary" Anything
At least these outfits are on theme. Halloween, if you'll remember, is supposed to be about ghouls and ghosts and shit. It's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be terrifying and horrifying and poop-in-your-pants-ifying. You should be dressing up as scary things. Stuff like zombies and monsters and catholic priests and my Uncle Rod who used to force all of us kids to take mustache rides at Easter. *shiver*
I'm not sure when we lost track of the true meaning of Halloween and veered off the track into superheroes and pop singers and eating 9 pounds of candy in one day. Probably around the same time we changed Christmas from "the birth of our Lord and Savior" to "Fuck you, give me that Tickle-Me-Elmo or I'll shove a lawnmower up your ass."

Highbrow Answer: "Abstract" Anything
For my money, the best Halloween costumes take explaining. A lot of explaining. I like it when a costume requires a lecture or a history lesson or a pie graph for me to understand it. At least then I'm learning something.
For full highbrow points this year, the best costume would require dressing up as one of of the following things:

- 14th Century German Nihilism
- Hubris
- The Japanese Commodities Market
- Any Color From the Infrared Spectrum
- The Soul of a Cheetah
- Chapter 14 from Betrand Russell's "The Amberly Papers"
- Doubt

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Best Coldplay Album?

Lowbrow Answer: Viva La Vida
Quick, name one song from this album other than "Viva La Vida." Can't do it, right? Of course you can't. Because every other song on this album blows. And admit it - you only know "Viva la Vida" because it has the same name as the album itself. If you look up "generic" in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of this album, right next to a screen shot from "Two and a Half Men" and a quote from Tyler Perry.

And did you notice how the band wore matching old time marching band outfits for this tour? Hmmm, I feel like I've seen that before. Where was it. Matching old time marching band outfits. Oh, that's right. It was a little group called The Beatles. You may have heard of them. Jesus, Coldplay. If you're going to plagiarize someone's style, at least steal from somebody small and inconsequential, like, I dunno, NOT the most famous rock band ever. In the whole world. Ever.

Middlebrow Answer: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Okay, so "Warning Sign" is a nice song. As are "In My Place" and "Amsterdam." And "The Scientist" is the perfect tune for when you bring a girl back to your place and you're hoping to get laid and you want her to think you're thoughtful and sweet but not that you're gay. I thank you for that one, Chris Martin. And my 9th grade girlfriend Stephanie thanks you. Twice-in-my-basement-and-once-in-my-parents'-shower thanks you.

But still. Most of these songs are pretty dull. And has anyone else noticed that "Clocks" is just "Speed of Sound" sped up? Anybody? I mean, I know that "Clocks" came before "Speed of Sound," but come on. Have the decency not to write an average song that you will later adapt into a different, even more average song, but that is essentially the same as the first average song. Sheesh.

Highbrow Answer: Fuck Coldplay
Yeah, I know they sell tickets. And I know that people listen to them. But the truth is, they blow. Honestly. You've got to trust me on this. I'm your friend. I'd never lie to you. Here's how you can tell. Take a look at the following list and tell me whether I'm describing Coldplay or The Backstreet Boys:

- Highly melodic musical hooks that are catchy the first 5 times you hear them, but make-you-want-to-stab-your-own-ears-with-a-curling-iron the next 500 times after that.
- Lyrics so vaguely poetic they could have come from an 8th grade poetry slam.
- Singers whose vocal emotion is so monotone you aren't sure if they're happy or sad or excited or angry or, literally, anything besides "bored."
- An overproduced live show where each member of the band has a massive projection screen dedicated to showing just his image.
- A loyal fanbase composed primarily of soccer moms and their teenage daughters.

You can't tell, can you? See what I'm talking about?

We're Back Today!

After a long summer in the Alps hunting bears, elk, and small retarded children who would only weaken our strong Russian blood, I return to work today. Stay tuned for regular updates. Kisses, Karl.