Friday, February 4, 2011

Best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

Lowbrow Answer: Michelangelo
Is it me, or is Michelangelo always stoned? Like, always. "Anchovies" is probably a euphemism for "massive bong rips." It's kind of impressive if you think about it. If he's that good with nun-chucks when he's baked, imagine how good he'd be sober. He could probably shit on Shredder's face with his eyes closed.

But what the hell is "Cowabunga?" What language is that? It sounds like the Latin term for bovine anus. Which is weird, because why would you shout that as you charge into battle? Why not something more like, "No Mercy!" or "Charge!" or "I'm-a-kill-yo-ass!"

Middlebrow Answer: Donatello
Donatello is smart, he's witty, and he can actually speak the English language without saying "whoa..." or "dude..." every thirty seconds. He's also named after a fucking badass. Donatello was a fourteenth-century painter and sculptor who basically invented bas-relief. He's way more highbrow than Michelangelo and his stupid ceiling. He's representin' Perspectival Illusionism, motherfucker.

On the downside, his weapon is a broomstick. I know that ninja geeks will call it a "bow" or a "staff," but that's total bullshit. It's a curtain rod, at best. Leonardo gets two swords and Donatello gets a shower dowel? What kind of shit is that?

Highbrow Answer: Raphael
Raphael bows to no man. You want him to help you save April O'Neil? Fuck you, he's busy. The Foot Clan is attacking Manhattan? Tough shit, he's reading Proust. Bebop and Rocksteady have captured Leonardo? Let that goody-two-shoes burn. Raphael doesn't need anybody. He's a surly one-man army.

Raphael carries two Sai, which only adds to his awesomenitude because it means he has to flight in close quarters. None of this arms-length bullshit for him - he gets right in your face before he rips your heart out and eats it.