tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60028649826737056832024-03-12T21:58:28.387-07:00Not Our Class, DearHaving trouble finding your place in society? We'll sort you out.
Follow this guide to see where you stand.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.comBlogger196125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-81945150592103089402012-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:002012-11-09T15:17:34.487-08:00Book It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sorry for the delay, loyal proles.<br />
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We are compiling old entries, editing content, and stuffing as many jokes about Japan as we can into the pages of what will hopefully become a book version of this website.<br />
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We'll keep you posted.<br />
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Until then, keep reading your Marx.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-1893123634855699892012-08-13T15:01:00.002-07:002012-08-13T15:01:57.721-07:00Back in a Jiffy<div>
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2f/Marx2.jpg/220px-Marx2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/2f/Marx2.jpg/220px-Marx2.jpg" width="210" /></a>Dear Proletariat Swine,</div>
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New posts will begin appearing next Monday, August 20th. Stay tuned. </div>
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Your pal,</div>
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Karl Marx</div>
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Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-62096137080039052162012-04-10T22:15:00.001-07:002012-04-10T23:04:25.894-07:00Best Travel Partner?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: Your Parents</span><br />Still taking exotic trips with your parents after you turned 18? Let me guess. You're a white, upper-middle class spoiled brat. Your name is something like "Daphne" or "Libby." All your trips are to famous European cities, where your family takes pasty photographs of each other in front of crumbly buildings that you're all convinced were built by hardworking medieval Italians but that were actually built by hardworking medieval slaves. Sound familiar?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.travelinsurancereview.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/family-travel-insurance1.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 237px; height: 185px;" src="http://www.travelinsurancereview.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/family-travel-insurance1.png" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Tragically, this family of yuppies was eaten by a shark just moments after this photo was taken.</span><br /></div><br />There's nothing worse than traveling with your parents. They wear matching baby-blue sweatsuits to the airport, they keep their passports in those beige safety necklaces, and they insist on wearing New Balance walking shoes everywhere they go. Fucking New Balance. If Nike's motto is "Just Do It," New Balance's should be: "Eh. Who cares. You're old and boring anyway."<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Your Significant Other</span></span><br />Traveling with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a mistress or a gimp or a sissyboy twink submissive is always a blast because you get to fuck on the road. It's like an away-game for your penis. There's nothing better than having sex in a foreign country. In a hotel room, on a cruise ship, on the back of an Estonian donkey. Whatever. Sex works on the same principle as modern cinema does: it improves steadily the farther away you get from America.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://data2.lifespeech.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/couple_traveling.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 278px; height: 184px;" src="http://data2.lifespeech.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/couple_traveling.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"I realize my body language says otherwise, but I fucking hate you." </span></span><br /><br /></div>That said, there's no quicker way to violently end a relationship than by taking a trip together. Sweet god. One minute, you're holding hands and sipping Margaritas on the beach in Cabo, and the next, you're calling your girlfriend a dumb skank while she sobs on the phone with the airline company because you got into a car that you thought was a taxi but that was actually a fruit delivery service and now you're standing in the foothills of an active Peruvian volcano.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Bjork</span></span><br />Okay, you know how the Grand Canyon is totally spectacular? The majestic rock faces. The sheer open expanse. The way the sun hits the glimmering waters of the Colorado River. Now imagine that, while you're appreciating all that beauty, Bjork is telling you a story in Icelandic about the time a dwarf stole her toothbrush and used it to build a polar bear sanctuary. Awesome, right? I know. Awesome.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.smartmoviemaking.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Bjo%CC%88rk_biophilia.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 219px;" src="http://www.smartmoviemaking.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Bjo%CC%88rk_biophilia.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Bjork and I found this rock during our burro tour of Yosemite. </span></span><br /></div><br />Seeing the world with Bjork as your tour guide is a highbrow dream come true. You could create atonal, unlistenable music by the shores of the Caspian Sea. You could write vague, indecipherable lyrics from the top of Mount Fuji. You could discuss Matthew Barney's latest work amongst the trees of the Black Forest. I should marry her right now so that I can have all that for the rest of my life. Plus, then I'd be the Duke of Bjork. (Get it? Like the Duke of <span style="font-style: italic;">York</span>? Fucking A, I deserve a Golden Globe for this shit.)Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-51259864830262033922012-04-02T23:47:00.019-07:002012-04-07T21:56:12.518-07:00Best Radiohead Album Cover?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: In Rainbows</span><br />Hey, guys. You're the biggest band in the world. Your fans follow you with an unrivaled level of obsessive devotion. Thom Yorke could poop into a paper bag and I'd wait in line for 7 months just to smell it. You could name your next album, "Jeff King is a Goat-Molesting Scrotum Licker," and I'd still buy it. I'd buy 4 copies. What I'm trying to say here is that you don't need to write "In Rainbows" five times on the front of the record. I know what it's called. I knew what it was called before you did.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/2/2e/In_Rainbows_Official_Cover.jpg/220px-In_Rainbows_Official_Cover.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 220px; height: 220px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/2/2e/In_Rainbows_Official_Cover.jpg/220px-In_Rainbows_Official_Cover.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Somebody needs a lesson in proper forward slash usage. </span></span><br /></div><br />The longer I stare at this album, the more I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. Man, visits to the optometrist's office would be way more fun if I got to stare at Radiohead albums the whole time. "Is Thom Yorke's staggering ability to write opaquely depressing lyrics clearer now, or now? How about this lens? Clearer? And now? What about now?"<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: The King of Limbs</span></span><br />Does anybody else have the sudden urge to play Pac-Man? Man, that game was awesome. Remember you had to rescue the princess, but there was that giant monkey throwing barrels at you the whole time. And you could use a sledgehammer to break through the obstacles and there were... Wait a minute. That's Donkey Kong, isn't it. Dammit. I've done waaaay too many Angel Dust this morning.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.gabcohen.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/The-Kings-Of-Limbs-Radiohead-album-cover.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 219px; height: 219px;" src="http://www.gabcohen.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/The-Kings-Of-Limbs-Radiohead-album-cover.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Please don't feed the psychedelic marine life</span></span><br /></div><br />I can't help but wonder what the backstory is on these two jellyfish-lookin' ghost men. Are they friends? Enemies? In a jellyfish-lookin' ghost man boy band together? And what's the deal with their arms? They look like neon umbilical chords. By the way, I hear "The Neon Umbilical Chords" is going to be the name of the new Los Angeles NFL franchise.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Kid A</span></span><br />Okay, so you know Hayao Miyazaki? He's the legendary Japanese animator who created "Spirited Away," "Princess Mononoke," and "My Neighbor Totoro." (If you still don't know who he is, you should stop reading this blog because I hate you. No, really. Stop.) Imagine if you took Miyazaki, fed him six pounds of cocaine, rammed a fishing rod up his ass, and then locked him in a dark room with a flock of rabid sheep for two weeks. I bet when you let him out and handed him some art supplies, he'd draw this album cover. Awesome.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.upperplayground.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/d9fd1e0372kid_a.jpg.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 226px;" src="http://www.upperplayground.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/d9fd1e0372kid_a.jpg.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The ski vacation from hell</span></span><br /></div><br />It helps that "Kid A" is Radiohead's best album musically. It makes me way more inclined to like the album cover, you know? It's like how a fat girl can look terrible when you see her at a club, but that same fat girl becomes instantly more attractive the moment she starts licking your balls. So, in conclusion: listen to "Kid A" and sleep with a fat chick. You'll be very satisfied with both experiences.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-47404097103507487682012-03-28T17:44:00.000-07:002012-03-28T19:35:16.803-07:00"Apple" is...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: ...A Tech Company</span></span><br />Steve Jobs is a prick. I don't care how smart he was or how good he looked in a black turtleneck. He was mean to his employees and refused to acknowledge and/or support his illegitimate daughter Lisa. "Mac people" love to talk about what an innovator he was or how amazing he looked in a black turtleneck, but I'll take Bill Gates any day. Sorry, morons who slept outside the Apple store for a week; "The Giving Pledge" is a way better invention than the iPad.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://the-app-man.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Brad-iPad-small.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 201px; height: 204px;" src="http://the-app-man.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Brad-iPad-small.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">David and his new wife</span></span><br /></div><br />But Jeff, I can hear some of you idiots saying, Apple's products are so easy to use. They're so intuitive and fun. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm an adult. I don't need bright colors and whimsical design. I can handle more than one button on my mouse. And do we really need to put the little 'i' on the front of every single product? Jesus. Enough already. Apple can lick my iButthole.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Middlebrow Answer: ...Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's Daughter</span><br />Say what you will about British O'BoringLyrics and and Blondie McNeedsToEatASandwich naming their child "Apple:" at least it wasn't "Katie" or "Sarah" or one of the many other boring suburban white girl names. I'm so sick of middle-class Yuppies pouring thousands of "Jennifers" into our already over-burdened mediocre Caucasian kid population.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.jodieotte.com/blog/0608/d.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 294px; height: 214px;" src="http://www.jodieotte.com/blog/0608/d.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">And these are our daughters: Megan, Meghan, and Meagan</span></span><br /></div><br />On the other side of the coin, who the fuck names their child "Apple?" Maybe if Gwyneth and Chris were Bjork and Matthew Barney (look him up, you prole swine), they could get away with naming their children after fruit. But they're not. They're the lead singer of Coldplay and the headless blonde chick from "Se7en." Boring. The weirdest name they're allowed to give a child is "Susan."<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: ...A Fruit</span></span><br />Have you ever eaten an apple? Not some bullshit venti soy apple macchiato or Diet Apple Chips from Whole Foods or wherever. I'm talking about an apple. A motherfucking straight-from-the-tree apple. Holy shit, they're good. So crunchy and delicious. God dammit, I could eat like six a day. Although I hear that just one is good enough to keep the doctor away. Which is good, because I hate my doctor. I swear he makes me take my pants off just so he can laugh at my tiny penis.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://poniesandjam.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/eve_apple.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 207px; height: 194px;" src="http://poniesandjam.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/eve_apple.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Let's make some applesauce, girl.</span></span><br /></div><br />As far as résumés go, it's pretty hard to argue with the fruit that single-handedly brought about the fall of man. Ain't no cantaloupe that can say that shit. To make an analogy, if fruit is the Kardashian family, then the apple would be Meryl Streep.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-67443661103096655722012-03-26T15:23:00.005-07:002012-03-26T17:38:17.487-07:00Best Solution for the Treyvon Martin Incident?<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Do Nothing</span></span><br />Hey, George Zimmerman. Yeah, you. The pudgy shithead with the itchy trigger finger. I hate to break it to you, it's not 1878 anymore. Rhodesia is no longer a country. We cured Polio. Our national pastime has been changed from "Slaughtering Native Americans" to "Baseball." Oh, and black dudes count as whole people now. So keep it in your pants the next time you see a kid armed with what you're sure is a lethal bag of Skittles.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.globalgrind.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/gallery_image/images/2012_march/ht_george_zimmerman_mugshot_jt_120317_wmain_1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 138px;" src="http://static.globalgrind.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/gallery_image/images/2012_march/ht_george_zimmerman_mugshot_jt_120317_wmain_1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size:85%;">George, a Scorpio, enjoys long walks on the beach, red wine, and racism.<br /></span></div><br />How was this asshole not arrested the moment Treyvon Martin hit the ground? If their races had been reversed - if Zimmerman were black and Martin were anything but black - the entire Republican party would have declared war on Africa. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum would have been talking about how it's time to "Get rid of those dark-skinned negroids once and for all." Instead, Martin bleeds on the sidewalk while Zimmerman gets a 2-for-1 hotdog deal from 7-11 on his way home from the incident.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Arrest, Try, and Sentence George Zimmerman</span></span><br />This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. What if we all got together and designed a system that would help protect common citizens from crime. And we could write up a bunch of rules that we all agree to live by. And when somebody broke one of those rules, we could, I don't know, like, capture them and make them explain what they did. And if their explanation wasn't good enough, then we could, and I'm just spitballing here, we could take away their freedom for some period of time. Man, I wish we lived in a country that had something like that. That would be awesome.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/politics/dcblog/police.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 238px; height: 238px;" src="http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/politics/dcblog/police.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">To Protect and Serve (White People)</span></span><br /></div><br />Hey, Florida Police Department. I know most of you are just ignorant trailer trash whose only credentials for being a cop is a degree in Date Rape from Florida State, but come on. A kid is dead. At least arrest the idiot who shot him and, I dunno, ask him what happened? I promise, the Dolphins game will still be on when you get back.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Highbrow: Nuke Florida</span><br />Let's be honest. We're all thinking it. Sure, we'd lose a few grandparents in the process, but come on. Grandparents are sort of shitty. They smell funny, they think 25 cents is A LOT of money, and they always give you things like pencil holders or trapper-keepers for your birthday. (Grandma, how many pencils do you think I own that I need a three liter pencil case?) Nuke Florida and we successfully wipe out whole herds of gun-toting morons just like George Zimmerman. Seems like a win-win to me.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.yellowmaps.com/maps/img/US/reference/florida_ref_2001_small.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 292px; height: 211px;" src="http://www.yellowmaps.com/maps/img/US/reference/florida_ref_2001_small.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Florida: The dangling turd on the ass of America</span><br style="font-style: italic;"></span></div><br />How much better would America be without Florida, you ask? Let's see. We get rid of $23 billion (with a B) worth of state debt. N*Sync, Wesley Snipes, and Fred Durst never exist. Al Gore wins the 2004 presidential election. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Florida Panthers, and Miami Marlins all sink into the ocean. Sure, there are other states I'd be MORE interested in dropping a bomb onto (I'm looking at you, Mississippi), but Florida seems like a great place to start.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-16063384613368196792012-03-22T22:42:00.013-07:002012-03-23T00:50:39.810-07:00Best Sea?<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: The Dead Sea</span></span><br />It's wholly devoid of any interesting wildlife, you can't pee in it because the salt will sting your naughty parts, and it's teeming with nothing but wealthy American Jewish kids on their "Birthright" trips. Gee, sounds like a real party. Where do I sign up? The big selling point for The Dead Sea is that it's really salty, which means you can float in it. Whoopee. Floating in water. How unique. I can't wait to try it. Oh wait, I <span style="font-style: italic;">can </span>try it. I can try it in ANY BODY OF WATER ON EARTH.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.jitours.com/Images/Virtual%20Tours/Dead%20sea2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 199px;" src="http://www.jitours.com/Images/Virtual%20Tours/Dead%20sea2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">A school of tourists (Touristae Obnoxium) swims by</span></span><br /></div><br />The Dead Sea is on the border between Israel and Jordan, which puts it smack dab in the center of a whimsical playground I like to call "The Middle East." What a fun place. Come for the fanatical religion, stay for the oppression and beheadings. I'm so bored of this region. Either get over your shit and have peace, or sack up and go to war. Just pick one and let's get on with it.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: The East Siberian Sea</span></span><br />I'll give you one guess what country this one is next to (No, "Siberia" is not a country, jackass). The East Siberian Sea is known for its arctic temperatures, shallow waters, and frequent fogs. Its shores have also been used as a place for reindeer husbandry by a number of native tribes. So. To summarize. It's quiet. It's pretty. It's clean. And you can watch reindeer humping. I'm in.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.alaska-in-pictures.com/data/media/19/frozen-tundra_5591.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 269px; height: 179px;" src="http://www.alaska-in-pictures.com/data/media/19/frozen-tundra_5591.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Can you spot all six polar bears?</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span> </span>(Hint: No, you can't)</span><br /></div><br />In the 1930's, the areas along the edges of The East Siberian Sea were used as internment camps for prisoners of the oppressive Gulag System. The Gulag System, for all you philistines out there, was a method by which enemies of the Soviet state were worked to death in a series of remote labor facilities. "The Gulag System" is also potentially the greatest name ever conceived for a Brooklyn hipster band.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: The Salton Sea</span></span><br />Totally remote, post-apocalyptic landscape? Check. Piles of fish corpses? Check. Grimy, pollutant-laden sludge water? Check. This place has everything. I think I might take my honeymoon here. Nothing says romance like sludge water and piles of fish corpses. Although I'll have to be careful. If there were ever going to be a place where I'd get attacked by some kind of mutant lagoon monster with a taste for human meat, this would be it.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://swittersb.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/salton-sea-3-small.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 331px; height: 226px;" src="http://swittersb.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/salton-sea-3-small.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">For Sale: Two bedroom, one bath. Fixer-Upper. </span></span><br /></div><br />The Salton Sea was a bustling resort area back in the 1920's when it had, well, water in it. But a changing environment combined with a shifting flow of agricultural runoff has left it dry and abandoned. The only people left in the region are local hillbillies and social misfits. Awesome. I've been looking for a bleak place where I can lose all my teeth and sit in a rocking chair shouting incoherently at the sun.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-16312728471873441402012-03-21T01:46:00.001-07:002012-03-21T02:25:00.878-07:00Best Solution to the National Contraception Debate?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: Let Men Decide</span><br />You're going to hold a congressional panel on contraception and you aren't going to invite any women? You're kidding, right? Am I on Candid Camera? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. It's like asking the cast of "Jersey Shore" to present a paper on thermonuclear dynamics. This is America. We invented amazing things like the clock, and the radio, and the clock-radio. You'd think we'd be smarter than that. And you'd be wrong.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.bodylovewellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/issa-panel.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 206px; height: 154px;" src="http://www.bodylovewellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/issa-panel.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Then it's agreed. We all like boobs."</span></span><br /></div><br />If men are going to make this decision, can we all agree that it should be <span style="font-style: italic;">liberal</span> men? They're the ones having all the premarital sex in this country. At least they know what a vagina looks, feels, and (if they're taking care of business) tastes like. Conservative guys have only ever seen one through the hole in the sheet they use for baby-making. Most of them think "Fallopian Tubes" is a ride at Sea World.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Middlebrow Answer: Let Women Decide</span><br />Here's a crazy idea. How about we let the people with vaginas decide what should be done about all the vaginas. When your car breaks down, you don't take it to a dentist because one of his patients is a mechanic. You take it straight to the mechanic. You get what I'm saying? I know that women can be crazy sometimes, like in sixth grade when Katie Reagan kissed me on the bus but then held hands with Shaun Quinlan at the football game like only an hour later, but trust me - they can manage this one.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://pre.cloudfront.goodinc.com/posts/post_full_1276122550women-politics.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 197px; height: 131px;" src="http://pre.cloudfront.goodinc.com/posts/post_full_1276122550women-politics.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Equality and red bandanas for all!</span></span><br /></div><br />Men are afraid that if they let women handle this issue, we'll all find out that women are way better at politics and law-making than men are. They're compassionate. They listen. They share their emotions. Sure they cry too easily and they suck at peeing in the snow, but nobody's perfect. Think about it this way. If we let women handle politics, it'd leave more time for us guys to do guy stuff. Like dunking basketballs or starting wars.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Sterilize Everyone</span></span><br />Let's be honest. Mankind had its shot, and we blew it. Global warming, genocide, nuclear weapons, the Kardashians. And that's just in the last 200 years. Imagine what horrors we'll unleash upon the planet in coming centuries. Clearly, this world would be better off without us. Especially those of us who insist on strapping their cell phones to their belts like they're carrying some kind of deadly sidearm. The world would be REALLY better off without <span style="font-style: italic;">them</span>.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mP2bjjd5WTY/TCRUR_fedDI/AAAAAAAABmU/2azUgrxMfMU/s1600/grip.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 237px; height: 156px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mP2bjjd5WTY/TCRUR_fedDI/AAAAAAAABmU/2azUgrxMfMU/s1600/grip.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh god, it's got my finger! Somebody grab a rifle!</span></span><br /></div><br />Seems to me that contraception is all about children, and here's the thing about children: they're shitty. They cry all the time, they never sleep, and they poop in their pants. If you really want that wandering around your house, why not just adopt a meth addict? Save you the trouble of pushing a bowling ball out through your lady-hole. How about we all tie our tubes and have some fun for a change.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-12093505828851693562012-03-19T17:22:00.003-07:002012-03-21T02:23:59.031-07:00Best Ethnic Holiday?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: St. Patrick's Day</span><br />I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you aren't Irish. I know your last name is O'Brien and you have a bunch of freckles and you really like the Boston Celtics, but you aren't Irish. I don't care how many pounds of green eye-liner you're wearing or how many friends you have named "Sully." Cillian Murphy? He's Irish. Robbie Keane? He's Irish. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Irish. Dipshit fratboy from suburban Massachusetts wearing a green Red Sox uniform? Not Irish.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.sjsu.edu/ihouse/images/IHouse_StPatrickDay.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 212px; height: 159px;" src="http://www.sjsu.edu/ihouse/images/IHouse_StPatrickDay.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Nothing says St. Patty's like a drunk Asian girl</span></span><br /></div><br />I don't care if your ancestors grew up in Dublin or Cork or O'KennyFlanniganGalway. You aren't your ancestors. Otherwise I'd be a four-foot-two Greek goat farmer with syphilis. Just like my Great Uncle δεδηλωμένη. But I'm not. I've never even owned a goat.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Cinco de Mayo</span></span><br />At least this holiday is based on something more than just being from somewhere. It commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army defeated the heavily favored French. Ah, the French. You can always count on them to lose a war. Even if it's against a country whose favorite TV shows involve grown men dressing up as toddlers.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img4.southernliving.com/i/2008/05/cinco-de-mayo/cinco-mayo-party-l.jpg?400:400"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 227px; height: 227px;" src="http://img4.southernliving.com/i/2008/05/cinco-de-mayo/cinco-mayo-party-l.jpg?400:400" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Oh, Jorge! You do such a nice job mowing our lawn! Now get out of here."</span></span><br /><br /></div>Of course, as with most things in this world, Cinco de Mayo has been ruined by white people. For every Mexican-American trying to honor the memory of his or her heroic ancestors, there are five Arizona State sorority girls in Corona bathing suits doing shots of tequila and mispronouncing words like "Quesadilla" and "Empanadas" and "Mexico." Damn you, white people. Damn you and your racial oppression and your imperialism and your golden retrievers.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Civil Rights Day</span></span><br />Look, I love Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as much as the next guy. We'd totally be friends if he were still alive and I weren't so terrified of black people. But he's not the only guy that had a hand in this country's civil rights movement. You may have heard of a dude called Malcolm X. Or this nice lady I know, Rosa Parks. Or any of the other hundreds of similar activists. Like, I get it. Martin Luther King is the Lebron James of civil rights. But the team is still called the Miami Heat, you know what I'm saying?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.clarionledger.com/jmitchell/files/2011/04/malcolm-x.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 167px;" src="http://blogs.clarionledger.com/jmitchell/files/2011/04/malcolm-x.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">And at power forward, Chris Bosh!</span></span><br /></div><br />The last state to have "Civil Rights Day" instead of "Martin Luther Day" was New Hampshire, until it was changed in 1999. New Hampshire is such a conundrum. One day, its legislators introduce a bill that would allow store owners to refuse business to gays, and the next, it's open-minded enough to recognize the entire Civil Rights struggle instead of just one man. Make up your mind, Granite State. Are you a bastion of no-seatbelt-wearing, gun-toting prejudiced hicks, or the last outpost of true progressive, free-thinking, independent libertarians?Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-34282586467022270842011-11-09T15:16:00.000-08:002011-11-09T16:46:17.838-08:00Best Republican Candidate for 2012?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: Rick Perry/Mitt Romney/Newt Gingrich/Herman Cain/Michelle Bachmann/Rick Santorum/Ron Paul</span><br />Add two more lunatics to this list and we could field an idiot softball team. Where are the Republicans getting these people? Are they just trolling Wal-Mart parking lots, offering yocals candy if they'll come to the White House? I understand that, by nature, conservatives are a little backwards, but is this really the best we can do? I would elect most of the Muppets and all of the Teletubbies before any one of these candidates.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/8/12/1313111651537/Iowa-Republican-debate-007.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 179px; height: 107px;" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/8/12/1313111651537/Iowa-Republican-debate-007.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">My border fence is bigger than your border fence.</span></span><br /><br /></div>This year's class of Republicans is proof that "crazy" is contagious. Have you seen the debates? It's like watching a group of puppies all trying to catch their own tail at once. They should just throw all the candidates into a cage match and give the last one standing the nomination. I bet it would be Bachmann: lunacy that strong is unstoppable.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Middlebrow Answer: Jon Huntsman</span><br />Okay, sure. He's a Mormon. Which means he's racist, homophobic, and overzealous. But this is the Republican party. <span style="font-style: italic;">Everyone </span>is racist, homophobic, and overzealous. You have to punch an agnostic black lesbian just to get your membership card. At least Huntsman is intelligent. He believes in evolution and global warming. He graduated from an Ivy League university. He thinks chemistry and biology are "sciences" and not "magic."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.nhcitizenaction.org/sites/default/files/imagecache/medium_250width/Jon_Huntsman.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 111px; height: 141px;" src="http://www.nhcitizenaction.org/sites/default/files/imagecache/medium_250width/Jon_Huntsman.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">If you're Mormon and you know it, clap your hands</span></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Huntsman also speaks fluent Chinese and has adopted children from both China and India. Which means he realizes that there are countries outside of North America. That's a big step for a Republican candidate. Most of them think China and India are made-up fantasy lands, like Narnia or Djibouti.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Highbrow Answer: An Emperor Penguin</span><br />He's classy. He's regal. He's wearing a tuxedo. Right away, he's already a better option than most Republican candidates. Not to mention the fact that he's not a backwoods redneck, he doesn't think Jesus makes the sun come up every morning, and he doesn't own a house in Texas called "Niggerhead Ranch." I'd vote for him, and I'm a democrat.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/07/Emperor_Penguin_Manchot_empereur.jpg/220px-Emperor_Penguin_Manchot_empereur.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 161px; height: 174px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/07/Emperor_Penguin_Manchot_empereur.jpg/220px-Emperor_Penguin_Manchot_empereur.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Read. My. Lips. No. New. Taxes.</span></span><br /><br /></div>At this point, the Republican party has gotten so bad that I'd just be happy to have somebody who won't start World War III. Sure, an Emperor Penguin doesn't speak English and has no opposable thumbs, but at least he won't embarrass our country by doing something stupid like bombing Iraq or choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-49033968953581021322011-11-03T10:40:00.000-07:002011-11-03T23:04:42.606-07:00Best Use of Animals in Warfare?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: Carrier Pigeon</span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >s</span><br />Let me get this straight. You have a vital message to send to your commanding officer, and you attach it to a <span style="font-style: italic;">pigeon</span>? Seriously? Do you want to lose the war? Are you <span style="font-style: italic;">trying </span>to get shot and killed? You're taking the future of your entire country and strapping it to the back of what is essentially a rat with wings? Boy. No wonder they don't let you near the grenades.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://virginia.watchdog.org/files/2011/09/Carrier-Pigeon.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 148px; height: 181px;" src="http://virginia.watchdog.org/files/2011/09/Carrier-Pigeon.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Email, circa 1940</span></span> </span></div><br />In order to take down carrier pigeons before they could deliver their messages, many platoons bred and trained hawks to hunt and kill the winged couriers. Hey, guys. Here's an idea. Why not attach the message to the <span style="font-style: italic;">hawk</span>. Or better yet, attach it to a raptor. I guarantee it'll get through then. I don't care how many panzer tanks you have - those things can open doors with their claws.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Middlebrow Answer: War Elephants</span><br />Yes, these are real. And yes, I'm getting one. I bet my upstairs neighbor will stop complaining about my music after I trample his living room and ram a tusk through his Beagle. The most famous war elephants belonged to Hannibal, who used them in the Second Punic War to cross the Alps. (Consequently, Hannibal died shortly after the crossing of being way too awesome.)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_P03vSy5h8pM/TJJQ-Vys93I/AAAAAAAAAh8/nbL_hww9Vkw/s1600/The-War_Elephant.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 230px; height: 183px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_P03vSy5h8pM/TJJQ-Vys93I/AAAAAAAAAh8/nbL_hww9Vkw/s1600/The-War_Elephant.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Excuse me while I shit myself</span></span><br /><br /></div>But how the hell do you take care of these things out on the warpath? They drink, like, 839 gallons of water a day. Their poop is the size of a Buick. Are you lugging around truckloads of peanuts to feed them? What if they accidentally step on some of your troops? What if one of them has really big ears and wears a little yellow hat and a neck ruffle and what if he learns to fly and gives away your position?<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Highbrow Answer: Bombardier Bats</span><br />No, I'm not making this up. The Americans came up with it during World War II. The idea is simple. You strap small bombs to a bunch of bats. You then release those bats over an enemy city at dawn. As the sun comes up, the bats retreat into houses and buildings to sleep during the day. At which point, you ignite the bombs and start fires all over the city. Oh god, this is so awesome. Fuck you, 7th grade bullies - history IS cool.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OORyagu8ETY/TBBxoBXP8WI/AAAAAAAABMQ/xCZuBgkCPmY/s1600/BAT-BOMB.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 174px; height: 186px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OORyagu8ETY/TBBxoBXP8WI/AAAAAAAABMQ/xCZuBgkCPmY/s1600/BAT-BOMB.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">So cuddly and destructive</span></span><br /><br /></div>Can we just go ahead and agree that bats are the coolest animals ever? They blow up buildings, they can see in the dark, they sleep upside down, they're the only mammals that can fly (and not just glide), and they can get as big as 4 feet across. You heard me: four fucking feet. Imagine that flying at you. I mean, come on. Bats are so awesome that even their poop is worth money. Suck it, penguins.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-63973166580261218372011-10-31T16:30:00.000-07:002011-10-31T18:30:14.690-07:00Best Halloween Costume?<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Lowbrow Answer: "Sexy" Anything</span><br />Listen, sweetheart. I know you've got really low self-esteem because your ex-frat-boy boyfriend would rather watch NFL games than have sex with you, but do we really need to see you squeeze your formerly perky ass into a pair of black booty shorts so that you can tell everyone you're a "cat?" Newsflash: cats don't wear high heels or have a bellybutton piercing or get drunk on two Smirnoff Ices. (Well, okay, maybe that last one is true - I have no idea how many Smirnoff Ices it takes to get a cat wasted.)<br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cdn.costumesupercenter.com/csc_inc/images/items/343x432/R889699.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 132px; height: 167px;" src="http://cdn.costumesupercenter.com/csc_inc/images/items/343x432/R889699.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>I like boobs and ass and low self-confidence as much as the next guy, but come on. If I wanted to see some girl's naughty-bits in public, I'd just drop a roofie in her vodka-soda and then drag her outside. Problem solved.<br /></div><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Middlebrow Answer: "Scary" Anything</span><br />At least these outfits are on theme. Halloween, if you'll remember, is supposed to be about ghouls and ghosts and shit. It's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be terrifying and horrifying and poop-in-your-pants-ifying. You should be dressing up as scary things. Stuff like zombies and monsters and catholic priests and my Uncle Rod who used to force all of us kids to take mustache rides at Easter. *shiver*<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.egotvonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/realistic_zombie_costumes_10.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 134px; height: 179px;" src="http://media.egotvonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/realistic_zombie_costumes_10.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>I'm not sure when we lost track of the true meaning of Halloween and veered off the track into superheroes and pop singers and eating 9 pounds of candy in one day. Probably around the same time we changed Christmas from "the birth of our Lord and Savior" to "Fuck you, give me that Tickle-Me-Elmo or I'll shove a lawnmower up your ass."<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Highbrow Answer: "Abstract" Anything</span><br />For my money, the best Halloween costumes take explaining. A lot of explaining. I like it when a costume requires a lecture or a history lesson or a pie graph for me to understand it. At least then I'm learning something.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.screamingqueens.com/files/images/galleries/Aliens/105-Aliens-Neon.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 204px; height: 171px;" src="http://www.screamingqueens.com/files/images/galleries/Aliens/105-Aliens-Neon.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>For full highbrow points this year, the best costume would require dressing up as one of of the following things:<br /><br />- 14th Century German Nihilism<br />- Hubris<br />- The Japanese Commodities Market<br />- Any Color From the Infrared Spectrum<br />- The Soul of a Cheetah<br />- Chapter 14 from Betrand Russell's "The Amberly Papers"<br />- DoubtJeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-53672439403844527702011-10-30T20:09:00.000-07:002011-10-30T20:18:41.836-07:00Best Coldplay Album?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/611o6ExTUbL._SL500_AA300_.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 136px; height: 136px;" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/611o6ExTUbL._SL500_AA300_.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Viva La Vida</span><br />Quick, name one song from this album other than "Viva La Vida." Can't do it, right? Of course you can't. Because every other song on this album blows. And admit it - you only know "Viva la Vida" because it has the same name as the album itself. If you look up "generic" in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of this album, right next to a screen shot from "Two and a Half Men" and a quote from Tyler Perry.<br /><br />And did you notice how the band wore matching old time marching band outfits for this tour? Hmmm, I feel like I've seen that before. Where was it. Matching old time marching band outfits. Oh, that's right. It was a little group called The Beatles. You may have heard of them. Jesus, Coldplay. If you're going to plagiarize someone's style, at least steal from somebody small and inconsequential, like, I dunno, NOT the most famous rock band ever. In the whole world. Ever.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_npDsjq2DLTM/S7VDlT_ChsI/AAAAAAAAAR4/erzjdOgvhjk/s1600/Coldplay-A_Rush_Of_Blood_To_The_Head-cover.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 161px; height: 161px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_npDsjq2DLTM/S7VDlT_ChsI/AAAAAAAAAR4/erzjdOgvhjk/s1600/Coldplay-A_Rush_Of_Blood_To_The_Head-cover.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Ans</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">wer: A Rush of Blood to the Head</span><br />Okay, so "Warning Sign" is a nice song. As are "In My Place" and "Amsterdam." And "The Scientist" is the perfect tune for when you bring a girl back to your place and you're hoping to get laid and you want her to think you're thoughtful and sweet but not that you're gay. I thank you for that one, Chris Martin. And my 9th grade girlfriend Stephanie thanks you. Twice-in-my-basement-and-once-in-my-parents'-shower thanks you.<br /><br />But still. Most of these songs are pretty dull. And has anyone else noticed that "Clocks" is just "Speed of Sound" sped up? Anybody? I mean, I know that "Clocks" came before "Speed of Sound," but come on. Have the decency not to write an average song that you will later adapt into a different, even more average song, but that is essentially the same as the first average song. Sheesh.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/4/19/arghturnitof128530749063845000.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 134px;" src="http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/4/19/arghturnitof128530749063845000.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Fuck Coldplay</span><br />Yeah, I know they sell tickets. And I know that people listen to them. But the truth is, they blow. Honestly. You've got to trust me on this. I'm your friend. I'd never lie to you. Here's how you can tell. Take a look at the following list and tell me whether I'm describing Coldplay or The Backstreet Boys:<br /><br />- Highly melodic musical hooks that are catchy the first 5 times you hear them, but make-you-want-to-stab-your-own-ears-with-a-curling-iron the next 500 times after that.<br />- Lyrics so vaguely poetic they could have come from an 8th grade poetry slam.<br />- Singers whose vocal emotion is so monotone you aren't sure if they're happy or sad or excited or angry or, literally, anything besides "bored."<br />- An overproduced live show where each member of the band has a massive projection screen dedicated to showing just his image.<br />- A loyal fanbase composed primarily of soccer moms and their teenage daughters.<br /><br />You can't tell, can you? See what I'm talking about?Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-57940879501183470772011-10-30T19:21:00.000-07:002011-10-30T20:21:49.842-07:00We're Back Today!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static8.businessinsider.com/image/4e4d1577eab8ea6955000002/karl-marx-is-hot.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 124px;" src="http://static8.businessinsider.com/image/4e4d1577eab8ea6955000002/karl-marx-is-hot.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />After a long summer in the Alps hunting bears, elk, and small retarded children who would only weaken our strong Russian blood, I return to work today. Stay tuned for regular updates. Kisses, Karl.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-31222284593982411912011-06-23T21:37:00.001-07:002011-06-24T00:13:01.753-07:00Best Assassination?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bobritzema.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/gavrilo-princip.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 125px; height: 137px;" src="http://bobritzema.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/gavrilo-princip.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Archduke Franz Ferdinand (killed in 1914) </span><br />Okay, sure, "The Black Hand" is a cool name for a gang of Serbian militants. But come on. Could these guys be any more inept? First, they try to blow him up, but they miss and blow another car up instead. Then they try to shoot him at a cafe, but he leaves before they can act. Then two of them get scared, eat their cyanide pills, and jump into a river. Except the pills don't really work and the river is only 5 inches deep. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This is like Farrelly Brothers dumb.<br /><br />Gavrilo Princep finally shoots Ferdinand in his car, accidentally killing his wife in the process. A month later, World War I breaks out. Nice job, Black Hand. Thanks a lot. Just to recap, you nearly botch the only assassination attempt you ever undertake, you send the whole of Europe into a horrible war, and you needlessly kill Ferdinand's hot Austrian wife. Are you trying to make me hate you? Because it's working.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bobby-kennedy.com/photos/amb/rfk-death.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 102px;" src="http://bobby-kennedy.com/photos/amb/rfk-death.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Robert F. Kennedy (killed in 1968)</span><br />JFK's little brother was shot four times at point blank range outside a hotel by a man named Sirhan Sirhan. Now here's the best part: even with two holes in his chest and one in his head, RFK didn't die until 26 hours later. What a fucking badass. I start crying when I skin my knee; this dude's brain is leaking out on the floor and he manages to survive an entire day. Move over, Jesus. I have a new God.<br /><br />I will say, however, that you could go bigger than RFK. Let's use a hunting analogy. Let's say guys like Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are majestic twelve-point bucks. That makes Robert Kennedy, like, a really big swordfish. Making your name in the assassin community by shooting him is like being in the NBA and playing for the Golden State Warriors. Sure, you're a pro basketball player. But not really.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2010/2/17/1266412494056/Alexander-Litvinenko-001.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 153px; height: 117px;" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2010/2/17/1266412494056/Alexander-Litvinenko-001.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Alexander Litvinenko (killed in 2006)</span><br />Litvinenko was a Russian KGB thug who secretly switched sides to join the "good guys" at MI6 in England. Although, in hindsight, he probably could have been a bit more secretive about the switch. While staying in a hotel in London, he drank a cup of tea that had been laced with Polonium-210, a radioactive metalloid element. He died three weeks later from radiation poisoning. Let me just make sure you heard that right: <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">he drank a cup of tea that had been poisoned with Polonium</span>. H-I-G-H-B-R-O-W, and that's how you spell highbrow.<br /><br />The big rumor was that Litvinenko was offed by a bunch of his former KGB buddies, although it was also reported that the Russian government was behind it. Awesome. I feel like I'm in the middle of a Hollywood spy movie, like "The Bourne Identity" or "The Bourne Supremacy" or "The Bourne Ultimatum" or "The Bourne Legacy" or "Spy Kids 3D."Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-70794110415314615532011-06-19T17:09:00.005-07:002011-06-19T22:57:19.782-07:00Best Super Mario Kart Track?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.strategywiki.org/images/thumb/4/49/SuperMarioKartMapSpecialCup5.png/200px-SuperMarioKartMapSpecialCup5.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 130px;" src="http://media.strategywiki.org/images/thumb/4/49/SuperMarioKartMapSpecialCup5.png/200px-SuperMarioKartMapSpecialCup5.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Rainbow Road</span><br />This is what happens when you let a 7-year-old on methamphetamine design a race track. It's like somebody stabbed a disco floor then ran it over with a steam roller. I'm sure I'd be getting faster times on it, if only I weren't so busy having a seizure during Lap 3.<br /><br />Where the hell was OSHA when they were building this abomination? Aren't there regulations for this shit? There are no walls, electrical stone faces are falling all over the place, and the whole thing is free-floating in space. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen. Can't we put in some safety fences or something? The last thing we need is Bowser careening out of control and smashing into a family of nuns or a litter of baby kittens.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://wikicheats.gametrailers.com/images/thumb/a/a2/Super_Mario_Kart_Vanilla_Lake_2.png/750px-Super_Mario_Kart_Vanilla_Lake_2.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 139px; height: 139px;" src="http://wikicheats.gametrailers.com/images/thumb/a/a2/Super_Mario_Kart_Vanilla_Lake_2.png/750px-Super_Mario_Kart_Vanilla_Lake_2.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Vanilla Lake 2</span><br />Nothing gets my nipples hard like ice racing. Yee-haw. The best part of this course is saving time by jumping onto the floating icebergs. Nothing gets the ladies going like the old jump-onto-the-icebergs-to-save-time routine. Yeah, girl. You know how I do. Cut right across that frozen lake. You like that? You want some more? Come here, I'ma rub my Donkey Kong all up in yo Princess Toadstool.<br /><br />And yet, does anybody else think maybe we shouldn't be driving race cars through the arctic tundra? Aren't there, like, endagered baby seals and narwhals and dudes named Nanook wandering around up there? I mean, I know <span style="font-style: italic;">I'd</span> be pissed if a family of Eskimos and a polar bear drove a bunch of race cars through <span style="font-style: italic;">MY </span>backyard. Shouldn't we at grant them the same respect?<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://wikicheats.gametrailers.com/images/thumb/0/01/Super_Mario_Kart_Donut_Plains_3.png/750px-Super_Mario_Kart_Donut_Plains_3.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 138px; height: 138px;" src="http://wikicheats.gametrailers.com/images/thumb/0/01/Super_Mario_Kart_Donut_Plains_3.png/750px-Super_Mario_Kart_Donut_Plains_3.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Donut Plains 3</span><br />Good lord, this shit is impossible. I've been playing Mario Kart since back before I even knew how to masturbate, and I still can't win on this track. The turns are ridiculous, there's a gap in one of the bridges, and the whole thing is happening on some kind of rain-soaked flood plain. You turn too far one way - you're twelve feet under water. Too far the other - you're stranded on a patch of dirt with no hope. It's like 16-bit Hurricane Katrina.<br /><br />And where are we getting these gophers that pop out of the ground and attack my kart? Is there Mercury leaking into a nearby water supply or something? They're terrifying. Here I am doing my best "Fast and Furious" impression around a corner, when a crazed, 5-foot ball of fuzz with dilated pupils and a tattoo on his arm that reads "Born to Fuck" jumps up onto my face. I surrender. Sweet Jesus, I surrender.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-63231572958298920242011-04-21T07:10:00.000-07:002011-04-22T12:56:32.452-07:00"I am Tagged in X number of Facebook photos..."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.utexas.edu/inside_ut/lconf/files/picture-761.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 167px; height: 118px;" src="http://www.utexas.edu/inside_ut/lconf/files/picture-761.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: X > 500</span><br />Here's the funny thing about life. You're supposed to be <span style="font-style: italic;">living</span> it, not <span style="font-style: italic;">documenting</span> it. In all the time you've spent posing for pictures, you could have written a best-selling book or solved a physics equation or conquered some insignificant country like Azerbaijan or France. So the next time somebody whips out their iPhone to snap a hipstamatic photo, tell them to fuck off. You've got shit to do.<br /><br />Now, I'm not going to start preaching Thoreau at you (because he was a spoiled bitch whose entire mantra is undermined by the fact that his parents funded his little cabin adventure) and I won't tell you to "Seize the Day" (because I refuse to take life advice from Robin Williams and a bunch of 1950s boarding school kids). But I will tell you to stop spending your whole life posing for photos. I promise you; you aren't worth taking pictures of anyway. Your arms are flabby and your eyes are too far apart.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.dpchallenge.com/images_challenge/0-999/301/800/Copyrighted_Image_Reuse_Prohibited_138743.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 116px;" src="http://images.dpchallenge.com/images_challenge/0-999/301/800/Copyrighted_Image_Reuse_Prohibited_138743.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: X < 25</span><br />What are you, some kind of cave troll? Get out and see the world, man! Rent a paddle boat or join a hockey team or learn Nigerian Kung Fu. I don't care if you've got crippling agoraphobia; suck it up and get outside. The only people who are allowed to legitimately have fewer than facebook 25 photos of them are hermits, hobos, Uzbekistanis (they haven't even cured Polio over there yet), and 1820s prospectors. Otherwise, you gotta go make some friends.<br /><br />It's not like it's difficult to get photos of you taken these days. Everything has a fucking camera in it. Phones, computers, MP3 players. I hear the ASPCA will even install a digital camera into whichever dog you choose to adopt. Photo technology has gone crazy. I mean, I'm taking a nude picture of you right now and you're still wearing your clothing.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8f/US_163.svg/750px-US_163.svg.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 120px; height: 95px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8f/US_163.svg/750px-US_163.svg.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: X = 163</span><br />Didn't see this one coming, did you? BLAM! King strikes again! While I don't advocate being a facebook junky, I understand that it's part of life these days. Like texting and iTunes and Justin Bieber. You can't avoid it. So it's okay to have a few photos of you. Just make sure they're cool. They should be of you winning the Stanley Cup or choking a walrus. They shouldn't be you drunk at a frat party or you eating hot wings at Applebee's.<br /><br />And how fucking cool a number is 163? God damn. It's the largest value of d such that the number field Q<span class="notranslate"><span class="nw"> <span style="font-size:85%;">(<span class="ff15" style="bottom: 0.51em;font-size:130%;" >√<span style="bottom: -0.51em;">−</span></span></span></span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw">d</span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw"><span style="font-size:85%;">)</span> has class number 1 (meaning that its ring of integers is a unique </span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw">factorization</span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw"> chain), it's the last instance of a quadratic field having unique </span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw">factorization</span></span>, and it's the first instance of a real cyclotomic field <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> having <span class="notranslate"><span class="nw">unique </span></span><span class="notranslate"><span class="nw">factorization</span></span>. Awesome. I just got a math boner.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-33935416709140177882011-04-19T10:34:00.000-07:002011-04-19T17:10:03.014-07:00Best Marginal Genre of Music?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-okeQT3IDko/TLRz4LfYG-I/AAAAAAAAG44/LsL2zDcrrpo/s320/joshgroban.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 112px; height: 112px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-okeQT3IDko/TLRz4LfYG-I/AAAAAAAAG44/LsL2zDcrrpo/s320/joshgroban.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Popera</span><br />"Popera" is a strange musical No Man's Land that exists somewhere between Pop and Opera. It's not quite catchy enough to be on regular radio and it's not quite good enough to be called "classical." Never heard any of this shit before? Just look for large groups of white middle-class women; there's bound to be Popera nearby.<br /><br />Josh Groban is the Czar of this travesty, and with good reason. He has the perfect mix of semi-talent and quasi-attractiveness that moistens the panties of every housewife in America. Just like Coldplay or Regis Philbin.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.auctionworks.com/hi/43/43303/icp_sticker_s0388.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 124px; height: 124px;" src="http://images.auctionworks.com/hi/43/43303/icp_sticker_s0388.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Midd</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">lebrow Answer: Horror-Core</span><br />I don't care what you say about the Insane Clown Posse; at least those guys put on a show. They've got jugglers and strippers and midgets in hobo outfits and pregnant manatees and all kinds of other crazy shit on stage when they perform. None of that haughty Radiohead ignore-the-audience bullshit here. You go to a Horror-Core show and you're getting an experience; a nightmarish, pulsating concert complete with soda cannons, horny hillbillies, and all the herpes you can take.<br /><br />Of course, lyrically, Horror-Core falls a bit short. There are only so many ways you can talk about murdering a Bitch-Nutz with your Juggalo Hatchet. I'd like to see some of these groups branch out. I wonder what an ICP song about clouds or endless love would sound like. Probably something like, "I'm a murder that Cloud-Nutz with my Endless Love Hatchet."<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.thesirenssound.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Godspeed-F-A-Infinity-300x300.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 130px;" src="http://www.thesirenssound.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Godspeed-F-A-Infinity-300x300.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Post-Rock</span><br />Welcome to the User's Guide to Making Post Rock.<br />Step 1: Collect five non-Americans and put them in a band together. Make sure one of them is a girl. She should be shorter than 5'5" and be from Japan.<br />Step 2: Force the band to play their guitars with screwdrivers and wine glasses and anything else that isn't normally used to play a guitar.<br />Step 3: Every song must be longer than 10 minutes.<br />Step 4: No song is allowed to have lyrics.<br />Step 5: The band's name must be something obscure and strange like, "Godspeed You! Black Emperor" or "Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band." (those are both real acts, by the way) Bonus points for misusing punctuation in the name of the group.<br />Step 6: All artwork must be grainy and shot in black and white.<br />Step 7: At least 80% of the group's music must be amelodic and unlistenable.<br /><br />If the first thought in your head after reading that list isn't, "HIGH-FUCKING-BROW" then stop reading this blog.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-15294441573000111452011-04-11T09:10:00.000-07:002011-04-11T15:31:25.354-07:00Best Team in Major League Soccer?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sportblog.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/la_galaxy_logo_big.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 100px; height: 107px;" src="http://sportblog.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/la_galaxy_logo_big.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: The LA Galaxy</span><br />Nothing like watching soccer surrounded by an orgy of upper middle-class white people in David Beckham replica jerseys. Galaxy fans are all the same. They show up late, spend the entire first half in line to buy their bratty kids $28 worth of food, and then they leave 20 minutes early so they can beat the other soccer moms out of the parking lot and get home in time for CSI: Miami. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. These are people who think that Manchester United and Real Madrid are European mortgage companies.<br /><br />Also: What the hell kind of sports name is "The Galaxy?" You're from LA, for Christ's sake. You can't even see any stars here. And what's your mascot? A big white cloud of mist? "The Galaxy" should have been about 978th on your list of possible names, right behind "The Rape Whistles."<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.soccerbyives.net/.a/6a00e54ef2975b8833011279691b4628a4-500wi"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 88px; height: 113px;" src="http://www.soccerbyives.net/.a/6a00e54ef2975b8833011279691b4628a4-500wi" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Seattle Sounders FC</span><br />Alright, so your average attendance at home games is like 200,000 people. And sure, your team colors are pretty cool and you've got some good players. But Seattle? What a dump. It's always raining, it's the home of Microsoft, and it's full of aging hipsters with pixie haircuts and Amazon Kindles. Move the team to somewhere nice, like Montana or New Hampshire, and maybe I'll be interested. Until then, take your granola bars and your Chacos and shove it.<br /><br />The face of this team is Drew Carey, who is a minority shareholder. Now, you might be thinking; "Drew Carey, the famous lion tamer and wine parachutist?" No, not <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> Drew Carey. We're talking about the Drew Carey who had his own show back in the day and now hosts "The Price is Right." The Drew Carey who was supposedly funny at one point in his life, but can produce no hard evidence thereof. Fat bastard.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://d-moos.mraircheck.com/wp-content/uploads//2011/04/Chivas-USA.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 102px; height: 102px;" src="http://d-moos.mraircheck.com/wp-content/uploads//2011/04/Chivas-USA.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: CD Chivas USA</span><br />A distinct absence of star players? Check. Wild and Crazy Mexican ownership group? Check. Defensive-minded, unattractive style of play? Check. This is what pro sports is about; worshiping a team that continually lets you down and causes you emotional drama. Fuck yeah! Sports! Despair! America!<br /><br />Chivas is awesome because they have this little thing called personality. The fans are nuts, the mascot is a goat, and the team is the only one in the league without a city in its name. Why? Because fuck geography, that's why. Chivas USA cares not for your plebeian cities and states - this team lives by its own rules. And Rule #1 is Cartography Blows.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-31513786524828023842011-04-07T10:33:00.000-07:002011-04-07T22:10:48.886-07:00Best Male Underwear?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/images/2x/2xist-ribbed-boxer-briefs.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 101px; height: 133px;" src="http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/images/2x/2xist-ribbed-boxer-briefs.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Boxer-Briefs</span><br />Look, I know the world is a complicated place, but pick a fucking side. You're either boxers or you're briefs; you don't get to be both. Flip-flopper. It's like how every new invention these days has to be 8-things-in-1. "This camera is also a phone and a knife and a nightlight and a respirator and a pistol and a nine-iron and a badger! All in one!" Fuck that. I want my camera to be a camera. I want my underpants to be underpants. End of story.<br /><br />Even if you concede that these are comfy, we couldn't come up with a better name than "Boxer-Briefs?" Really? It's like those annoying people who hyphenate their last names. Get over yourselves. Pick one or make up something new. Imagine how dumb it would be if other shit was named this way. We'd be stuck writing all our emails on "Calculator-Typewriter-Camera-Phonograph-Telegraph-Televisions." (Get it? I'm talking about computers. Moron.)<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://hannihaus.com/images/cc-underpants.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 144px; height: 137px;" src="http://hannihaus.com/images/cc-underpants.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Tighty-Whities</span><br />In this tumultuous era of falling stocks and armed Middle-Eastern conflict and Katy Perry music, the last thing I need is my Pocket Dolphin flopping around all nimbly-bimbly in the breeze. I want that shit tucked in tight, where he's protected from all the fear and the war and the Moammar Gadhafi. I mean, come on. My Wang is my third-most valuable physical attribute, right behind my tattoo of Elton John and my detachable kneecaps; I gotta protect it.<br /><br />Of course, sometimes my Yogurt Slinger needs some space to roam. Sometimes he yearns to be out on his own, seeing the world. And I respect that. I don't want be one of those helicopter parents, hovering over their kids at every turn. I want my penis to be able to enjoy a steak dinner or a tennis lesson all by himself if he wants to. More power to him.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Rk2GbQfxvo8/SICd6MaKOHI/AAAAAAAABUE/kUzD-SBKjVw/s400/Naked%2BMegan%2B002.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 112px; height: 149px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Rk2GbQfxvo8/SICd6MaKOHI/AAAAAAAABUE/kUzD-SBKjVw/s400/Naked%2BMegan%2B002.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Underwear?</span><br />Would you cage the regal Alaskan Elk? Would you close the gates to Yellowstone Park? Would you lock Michael Cera in a windowless basement? No. Of course you wouldn't. Because Alaskan Elk, Yellowstone Park, and Michael Cera are national treasures. They're supposed to be out in the open, encouraging the world to greatness with their very presence. Such is the nature of my Penis; its very existence inspires the advancement of modern civilization.<br /><br />If you're asking yourself, "Did he just equate his Dong to a National Park?" The answer is yes. Yes, I did. Clearly you know nothing of my Peen and the wonders thereof. It once traveled back in time to stop the assassination of a human boy so that he could grow up and become the leader of mankind against an army of robotic overlords in the future. Yeah. Suck it. What has YOUR penis done lately?Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-17799066520612493812011-02-04T13:32:00.000-08:002011-02-04T14:20:58.878-08:00Best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.freewebs.com/naruto-tmnt-fan/mike_06.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 95px; height: 109px;" src="http://www.freewebs.com/naruto-tmnt-fan/mike_06.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Michelangelo</span><br />Is it me, or is Michelangelo always stoned? Like, always. "Anchovies" is probably a euphemism for "massive bong rips." It's kind of impressive if you think about it. If he's that good with nun-chucks when he's baked, imagine how good he'd be sober. He could probably shit on Shredder's face with his eyes closed.<br /><br />But what the hell is "Cowabunga?" What language is that? It sounds like the Latin term for bovine anus. Which is weird, because why would you shout that as you charge into battle? Why not something more like, "No Mercy!" or "Charge!" or "I'm-a-kill-yo-ass!"<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.freewebs.com/naruto-tmnt-fan/don_07.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 98px; height: 137px;" src="http://www.freewebs.com/naruto-tmnt-fan/don_07.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: Donatello </span><br />Donatello is smart, he's witty, and he can actually speak the English language without saying "whoa..." or "dude..." every thirty seconds. He's also named after a fucking badass. Donatello was a fourteenth-century painter and sculptor who basically invented bas-relief. He's way more highbrow than Michelangelo and his stupid ceiling. He's representin' Perspectival Illusionism, motherfucker.<br /><br />On the downside, his weapon is a broomstick. I know that ninja geeks will call it a "bow" or a "staff," but that's total bullshit. It's a curtain rod, at best. Leonardo gets two swords and Donatello gets a shower dowel? What kind of shit is that?<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://arcadeartlibrary.com/arcade_art/data/thumbnails/2/TMNT_Raphael.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 118px; height: 104px;" src="http://arcadeartlibrary.com/arcade_art/data/thumbnails/2/TMNT_Raphael.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Raphael</span><br />Raphael bows to no man. You want him to help you save April O'Neil? Fuck you, he's busy. The Foot Clan is attacking Manhattan? Tough shit, he's reading Proust. Bebop and Rocksteady have captured Leonardo? Let that goody-two-shoes burn. Raphael doesn't need anybody. He's a surly one-man army.<br /><br />Raphael carries two Sai, which only adds to his awesomenitude because it means he has to flight in close quarters. None of this arms-length bullshit for him - he gets right in your face before he rips your heart out and eats it.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-34721141044612412702011-01-10T14:27:00.000-08:002011-01-10T15:49:28.852-08:00You Have Three Kids. You Should...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photo.net/bboard-uploads/004k3w-11897484.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 137px; height: 91px;" src="http://photo.net/bboard-uploads/004k3w-11897484.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: ...Give them all names that start with the same letter. </span><br />The parents who typically pull this kind of shit are either super-wealthy white people or super-poor minorities. Either way, go fuck yourself. You have three beautiful daughters. You can't come up with more interesting names than Kelly, Kimberly, and Kelsey? Are you literally trying to make me hate you? If you are, it's working. Even if you aren't; it's still working.<br /><br />I'm waiting for the day when people just quit trying and name all their kids "Dana." Male, female. It won't matter. We already spend all our time shopping at Wal-Mart and eating at McDonald's and watching "Transformers." We may as well go full-bore and just all have the same identities. At least you'd never forget somebody's name again.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.thespiritualfengshui.com/images/happy-family2.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 98px; height: 112px;" src="http://www.thespiritualfengshui.com/images/happy-family2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: ...Love them all equally and raise them well. </span><br />I hate kids in the first place, but if you're going to ruin my day by having one, at least be a good parent. Teach the thing to read and write and worship Adorno. Teach it to enjoy foreign arthouse poetry and listen to Chopin and sneer at Steven Spielberg movies. Teach it to be nice to everyone, except racists, homophobes, bigots, and lacrosse players. Fuck those people. They can swallow a rattlesnake.<br /><br />On the other hand, there are few things worse than happy families. With their golden retrievers and white picket fences and Ford minivans and Saturdays at the park and Sundays at Episcopal church and smiling Christmas card photos from top of Mount Belmont. What is this, The Family Circus? Life is shit. Your son will get AIDS and your daughter will get hit by a comet. And The Family Circus blows. Worst comic ever.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sallymacmillanart.com/Portals/0/Three-Kids-Eating-Ice-Cream.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 136px; height: 102px;" src="http://www.sallymacmillanart.com/Portals/0/Three-Kids-Eating-Ice-Cream.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: ...Kill two of them.</span><br />The world is overpopulated. There are like 147 billion people living in China. We're running out of space. We're running out of food and water. The last thing we need is idiots like you pumping out kid after kid after kid like your vagina is some kind of Pez dispenser. I don't care if you're Catholic. Or Evangelical. Or any other dumb religion that demands you have kids so that they can join the Pope's army or whatever. Use a condom. They're cheap, they're accessible, and the ones we have today are much better than the sheep's bladder you would have had to use back in the day.<br /><br />I don't understand why some people are so intent on having 25 children. Doesn't it get old? Aren't you totally bored after the first two? Aren't you sick of potty training and diapers and whining and soccer practices and singing lessons and birthday parties and visits to the hospital and crying? No? You aren't? Man, your life is pathetic. Like, Eddie Murphy's post-1995 acting career pathetic.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-75091184141971268922011-01-04T14:55:00.000-08:002011-01-04T20:08:43.001-08:00Best Outfit for a Flight?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.jet-setter.ca/images/extrapictures/comfort_pillow_a3.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 108px; height: 112px;" src="http://www.jet-setter.ca/images/extrapictures/comfort_pillow_a3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: A Sweatsuit and a Neck Pillow</span><br />Maybe traveling from Boston to Albuquerque was a perilous adventure during the Civil War, but it's the 21st century for Christ's sake. The planes have heat. They serve you Pepsi in mid-air. It's pretty cushy. We're not sitting on wooden benches, helping to peddle the 747. Come on, the whole flight is only going to take like five hours. You're not crossing the country on a 9-month expedition with Lewis and Clark.<br /><br />And don't get me started on this neck pillow shit. What the hell has happened to us? We used to kill bears with our hands and build houses with rocks and slaughter thousands of Native Americans for fun. Has it really come to this? We need a semi-circle cushion to help us sleep sitting up? If this continues, one day we'll be relying on some kind of Hello Kitty-themed robot from Japan to chew all our food for us and kiss us goodnight.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.andersonair.ca/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/xlspeople-2a.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 118px; height: 100px;" src="http://www.andersonair.ca/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/xlspeople-2a.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: High Heels and a Tight Skirt</span><br />Hey sweetheart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a frat house. There aren't any drunk football players to feel you up by the pool table or hump you arrhythmically on a makeshift basement dance floor. This is an airplane. Nobody wants to chat with you about how great it is to be an English major. All the flight attendants are gay. Take off your Manolo Blahnik's and wipe all that makeup off your face. Trollop.<br /><br />The guy version of this is even worse. Nothing like a douchebag in an Armani suit and CK One sitting next to you all the way to New York. Yes, I see you're on your way to a business meeting. Good for you. Let me guess. You work in consulting. You attended some yuppie white kid college like Williams or Princeton and now you spend your time moving other people's money around until you save enough of your own to buy a big house and a golden retriever and a wife whose first name is "Grier." I hope your plane crashes. Into Princeton.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.ocsurfsport.com/images/honey-comb-tee-white1.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 116px; height: 116px;" src="http://www.ocsurfsport.com/images/honey-comb-tee-white1.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Jeans and a T-Shirt</span><br />Yes, flying somewhere was a huge deal in 1984. It's not anymore. Get over it. At this point, an airplane is just a big Toyota Camry with wings. Are you really going to get dressed up for a Toyota Camry with wings? Is that how pathetic your life has become? Have you no better occasion to make a big deal out of than a flight to Cleveland? That's sad. Like, Elmo dying of Syphilis sad.<br /><br />The joy of wearing jeans and a T-shirt on an airplane is that nobody knows anything about you. If you're wearing a suit, we know you're some Wall Street asshole. If you're wearing sandals with socks, we know you're some yocal from Indiana who hasn't been in one of them there flying machines since 1991. Jeans and a T-shirt is understated. You could be anyone. You could be flying to a meeting with the president or a play rehearsal with Johnny Depp or a T-Shirt and Jeans convention. The possibilities are endless.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-87974413756990935662010-12-16T17:24:00.000-08:002010-12-16T20:55:48.209-08:00Best Biblical Christmas Personality?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://picture-book.com/files/userimages/258u/kings.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 129px; height: 99px;" src="http://picture-book.com/files/userimages/258u/kings.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: The Three Kings</span><br />Guys, it's called FedEx. I appreciate the effort it takes to cross a thousand miles of desert, but you're totally wasting whatever it is that makes camels go. Just throw your frankincense and your myrrh and your "Dora the Explorer" DVD's into a UPS envelope and be done with it. Jesus is just a baby anyway, he's not going to remember you were even there.<br /><br />I'm not exactly sure why you're bringing Jesus presents in the first place. You're Kings. Don't you have like, important royal business to attend to? Ya know, proclamations to make and illegitimate children to father and peasants to behead? You don't even know this Christ kid. What if he had grown up to be some lacrosse-playing, I-banking, date-raping douche hat? How would history have remembered you THEN?<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv336/jac_07/Virgin-Mary.png"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 95px; height: 116px;" src="http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv336/jac_07/Virgin-Mary.png" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: The Virgin Mary</span><br />You gotta give props to any woman that pops a baby out who becomes the savior of mankind. I can just picture her at Starbucks, showing off in front of the other moms: "How's Jesus? Oh, you know, just out curing the blind and walking on water and rescuing all humanity from sin." I also gotta hand it to any woman that lives through a fuck-session with God himself. I bet the guy screws like a polar bear on PCP. He probably blows a load like an Asian tsunami.<br /><br />Of course, in reality, Mary is just another one of those lame housewives who measures herself by no other standard than the success of her children. Boooooring. Why don't you go buy yourself a new dress, Mary. Join the bridge club. Take some rowing lessons. You gotta get out from under the heavy shadow off that overachieving brat of yours.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.notablebiographies.com/images/uewb_05_img0337.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 99px; height: 123px;" src="http://www.notablebiographies.com/images/uewb_05_img0337.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Herod the Great</span><br />I'm sure you're really proud of being a marketing consultant or a corporate accountant or whatever bullshit white-collar job you do, but you're a nobody compared to Herod the Great. Did you build the fortresses at Masada, Antonia, and Herodium? How about the entire port city of Caesarea? You have anything to do with the huge edifice at the top of the Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron? No? You didn't? Oh, that's right, it was Herod the Great. Suck it. Suck it, everyone. (Except for Herod. He doesn't have to suck it.)<br /><br />"But wait," you may be thinking. "Wasn't Herod the guy who drowned his own brother to consolidate his power? Didn't he murder all of his sons and have his wife killed? Wasn't he an unstable menace who butchered anybody that didn't agree with him?" Why, yes. Yes he was. But who needs a family? Bunch of annoying, greedy free-loaders if you ask me.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002864982673705683.post-72754832934816807822010-12-07T11:42:00.000-08:002010-12-07T13:20:19.095-08:00Best Christmas Personality?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tWtGNWVDlTE/Sux2oPq7NQI/AAAAAAAADbk/sNZ-9Lxczbo/s400/santa-claus-fancy-dress-clipart.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 107px; height: 120px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tWtGNWVDlTE/Sux2oPq7NQI/AAAAAAAADbk/sNZ-9Lxczbo/s400/santa-claus-fancy-dress-clipart.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lowbrow Answer: Santa Claus</span><br />He's disturbingly overweight, he lives in the middle of nowhere in a little house, and he only works one day a year. He's basically the Unabomber with a cholesterol problem. And I'm sorry, but when did it become okay to break into people's houses to give candy and toys to children? He sees me when I'm sleeping? I'm surprised Santa hasn't been on "To Catch a Predator" yet.<br /><br />Santa is bullshit. Every kid I knew growing up got presents. Even the little shithead rich brats or the Podunk idiots who'd kick my shins in the hallway. Where was your "naughty" list then, you fat prick? What's the point of me studying hard and following all the rules if it means nothing at Christmas? I could have been out throwing snowballs at cars on the highway or lighting frogs on fire - instead, I wasted 3rd grade learning about Earth Science.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.charterflights.co.uk/images/christmas-elf-in-santa-suit.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 101px; height: 115px;" src="http://www.charterflights.co.uk/images/christmas-elf-in-santa-suit.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Middlebrow Answer: The Elves</span><br />Elves can do anything. One day, they're fighting off legions of Uruk-Hai at the battle of Helm's Deep, the next they're hand-crafting dresses for Polly Pocket. What a versatile species. I wonder what would happen if you bred an elf with a human being. Actually, I think that's already happened once. It's called, "Danny Devito."<br /><br />How is the Department of Labor not all over this? An army of midgets making toys around the clock for no pay and no pension? Can you say, "lawsuit?" I'm surprised Nike hasn't made a deal with Santa for some of his workforce. I bet elves could make soccer cleats way quicker than depressed, undereducated, chain-smoking Chinese children.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.claus.com/reindeer/pix/blitzen.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 95px; height: 124px;" src="http://www.claus.com/reindeer/pix/blitzen.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Highbrow Answer: Blitzen </span><br />Rudolph may get all the credit, but if you ask me which reindeer is probably calling all the shots behind the scenes, I'm saying it's Blitzen. How could it not be? Let's say you're Prancer or Donner. Who are you taking orders from? The dopey runt with the glowing red nose or the chiseled badass who's named after a terrifying form of German warfare? I rest my case.<br /><br />If Santa's team of reindeer were an ensemble action movie, then Blitzen is totally Brad Pitt in "Oceans 11" or Vinnie Jones in any Guy Richie film or Insectosaurus in "Monsters vs. Aliens." He's the awesome, ruthless hero behind the wimpy, lovelorn hero. Oh, and there's no question that Blitzen is totally porking Vixen. You know they sneak off to Santa's sleigh whenever they can for a little session in the back seat. Hot.Jeffrey Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17482654287918284551noreply@blogger.com0