Thursday, July 30, 2009

Best Mechanism for Improved Eyesight?

Lowbrow Answer: Contact Lenses
I'm not sure when we all decided that it was a good idea to stick our fingers into our eyes on a daily basis, but I'm not okay with it. Stick your finger into any other orifice you want (I recommend noses and butts), but come on, your eyes? You need those! What if you miss one day and end up blind? Then you wouldn't be able to read this column each day.

I know they're supposed to enhance the ease with which you live life, but contact lenses just seem like one big hassle to me. They're always falling out of people's eyes in important moments, like dancing at prom or in the middle of a bullfight. Then you gotta wander around like an elderly janitor, searching the floor for a tiny piece of circular plastic while the rest of us curse you in our heads.

Middlebrow Answer: Glasses
Glasses are quickly and easily removable, they're pretty fashionable, and you can always tear them from your face for dramatic effect during an intense moment: "Dammit, Tom. (pull glasses from face) She's going to die if we can't stop the bleeding." Man, I just got the shivers reading that line. I hope Tom can stop the bleeding.

Glasses can be annoying though. They get dirty, fogged, broken, scratched, whatever. And they're expensive. To get something of any reputable quality, you gotta spend like $400. I'd rather spend that money on something fun like tickets to Disneyland or pornography.

Highbrow Answer: A Monocle
The Monopoly guy was on to something with this one, and if I've learned anything from this life, it's not to disagree with the Monopoly guy. Look how well he's done for himself. If only I had his intellect. Then I could finally afford my dream homes on Park Place and Boardwalk.

Monocles are the epitome of the snooty highbrow elite. They dangle on a chain in your pocket, just waiting for you to pull them out daintily and use them to dispute a Socratic claim by a colleague. A monocle is like kryptonite to normal human beings. You pull one out and they immediately know you're about to intellectually bitch slap them. A monocle is the academic's version of a pistol in a mugging.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Best Wheeled Footwear?

Lowbrow Answer: Heelies
My god, these are horrible. As if children aren't already annoying enough, now they zip around on their heels like a swarm of yellow jackets. I need a 5-f00t long fly swatter every time I go to the mall. You never know if a kid is wearing them until he takes off along the marble at 63 mph. I don't like surprises. I think it's because of when that stripper suffocated inside the cake while waiting to pop out at my 21st birthday party.

The good thing about heelies is how bad they are for you. Kids are always crashing into shit or catching a stone and falling flat on their faces. Pediatricians have also concluded that spending hours on your heels during your formative years fucks up the growth of your leg muscles. Great. Just what we need. We're already a nation of Evangelical, Obese, gun-toting, gay-hating, xenophobic morons; now we'll have an entire generation of adults that walk like drunken llamas.

Middlebrow Answer: Rollerblades
They're sleek, they're fast, and you can cut nice edges. Plus you can pull some of the wheels out and grind on things like railings, ledges, tabletops, and small dogs. You also get to experience the joy of hearing the following joke directed at you every single time you go out:

"What's the hardest part about rollerblading?"
"Telling your parents that you're gay."

Who wears rollerblades, I can hear some of you asking. Good question. The answer is hockey players. And what do we know about hockey players? That's right! They're homophobic muscle-heads who are all way too old for their grade and who hate rainbows just on principal. Fuck that. I like rainbows. Stupid fucking hockey players.

Highbrow Answer: Quad Skates
I know what you're thinking. And you're wrong. Quad skates are fucking awesome. They're only really used in two specific ways: Jam Skating and Roller Derby, which are both rad. Let's take a look:

Jam Skating: This is combination of dancing and skating produces some pretty cool shit. Why aren't we combining more activities in our daily lives? How about movie-watching with foot-massaging. Or nachos-eating and blowjob-getting.

Roller Derby: Bad ass girls on skates, beating the shit out of each other while travelling at high velocity. Need I say more? The only thing that would make this sport better is if each team had a supply of feral cats that they were allowed to throw at the opposition during bouts.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Best Form of Renewable Energy?

Lowbrow Answer: Solar
How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn't every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we're still trying to make it work for other stuff? Man, we're idiots. At this rate, we'll never figure out a way to solve world hunger or finally cure Butt Acne.

I also have to say that the sun kinda sucks. I like going to the beach as much as the next guy, but am I supposed to be excited about a massive nuclear reactor millions of miles away that's trying to melt my skin off? Generally, I try to avoid huge balls of burning gas, not get closer to them. The sun is the bimbo female reality TV star of the universe: shiny, annoying, way too tan, and full of hot air.

Middlebrow Answer: Wind
Have you ever seen a wind turbine? They're awesome. They look like the propellers from old-school Zeppelins. They also make this cool whizzing sound when they're turning. It makes you feel like you're walking at 56 mph when you're near one.

Wind, however, is sort of inconsistent. It's on, it's off. It's hot, it's cold. Some days I go outside to fly my Spongebob kite and I get nothing. Others, I want to wear my hair up and I can't because a hurricane is wrecking it. The wind is basically everybody's ex: somedays you like her, some days you don't. Either way, you often end up getting a blowjob. (Get it? Blow job? Like, the wind blowing? I can't beleive Saturday Night Live hasn't contacted me yet with jokes like that.)

Highbrow Answer: Water
The latest technology with water power is tapping into the energy of ocean currents. I know this because I have a cousin in Maine who's working on it. So. To summarize. We're going to stick turbines underwater (awesome) in places like the North Atlantic (bad ass) and the Bering Straight (hardcore) to harness some of the strongest currents on earth (intense), and the people designing this procedure live in upstate Maine (besty.) Need I say more?

Large bodies of water are, in general, fucking cool. Oceans, rivers, lakes, whatever. They all give me an intellectual boner. They sit there, placid and wonderful, just waiting for us to swim, boat, and fish in them, while underneath, they are some of the strongest forces on earth. It's like hopping into bed with Rogue from the X-Men; She may look beautiful, but if you aren't careful, she'll rip your arms off.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Best Activity Behind a Boat?

Lowbrow Answer: Wakeboarding
Ever since somebody invented surfing, lame middle-class white kids have tried to translate it to other sports: skateboarding, wakeboarding, snowboarding, whatever. Hey, jackass. Nobody thinks you look cool except your mom, and she sucks. Pull up your pants, take off that Hurley hat, and burn your Quicksilver board shorts. Dumbass.

The worse part about these douchebags is that they roam in packs. You never see one dude wakeboarding; you see eight of them hanging out of some expensive boat that one of their fathers bought for them. They're all drunk, they're all covered in muscles, and they're blasting Nickelback from their speakers. Boatfulls of wakeboarders makes me wish that bazookas and murder weren't so illegal.

Middlebrow Answer: Tubing
If you do this right, it's hardcore. You're shooting across the top of choppy lake water at 35 miles per hour holding on for dear life as the driver whips you around into the waves of a party barge. If you fall off, you skid across the water as every orifice in your body is filled with liquid. I imagine the experience is something like being a sperm. The whole thing isn't not fun in any way, which immediately raises it above lowbrow.

Of course, you aren't really doing much here. Sure, there's balance and coordination, but everything from petting a dog to playing with yourself requires that. I'm not impressed. Plus, let's be honest. You're basically riding on a giant inflatable donut. And while donuts are decidedly tasty, they are decidedly not highbrow.

Highbrow Answer: Waterskiing
Ever heard the expression, "Like a hot knife through butter?" Waterskiing is basically the real-life version of that. You're on one ski (if you're any good) and you slice through the water at upwards of 45 mph. If there were a high school just for assassins and ninjas, the most competitive sport would be waterskiing.

Good waterskiing doesn't mean that you fly through the air upside down or that you grind anything; it means your form is good and your turns are precise. It's not really the kind of thing you'll see on the X-Games. Although, if I've learned anything from my time on this earth, it's that avoiding ANYTHING that you see at the X-Games is probably a good idea.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Best Female X-Man?

Like X-Men? Check out the male version of this post here.

Lowbrow Answer: Jubilee
Jubilee's super powers blow. She basically shoots fireworks from her hands. I could get the same effect by sticking Roman candles in my sleeves. Waa-hoo. What a hero. Jubilee's full name is Jubilation Lee, which to me sounds like a Southern rock band. I can just picture them opening for Lynryd Skynyrd in 1975.

The most annoying thing about Jubilee is what a brat she is. You're a super hero. People depend on you. You can't get upset every time you hair's a mess or your pants are wrinkled. Sabretooth is bashing Wolverine with a telephone pole and you're crying because your jacket got stained at dinner. No wonder they left you out of the movies. Whiny bitch.

Middlebrow Answer: Storm
You can't really argue with somebody who can control the weather. Just imagine it. Having an outdoor wedding and need some sunshine? Done. Want to go sledding? Done. Want to use a tornado to wipe out your ex-boyfriend and his new lady? Done. You're basically God in hot, Egpytian girl form.

Storm does get on my nerves though. She always talks like she's performing in a community theatre version of Macbeth: "Winds! I command you to do my bidding!" It's like, yeah, Storm, we can see that. Just shut up and do it already. Also, am I wrong in thinking that nearly every problem the X-Men face could be solved in one fell swoop by Storm? She CONTROLS THE WEATHER for christ's sake. She should get off her ass and help out a bit more.

Highbrow Answer: Kitty Pryde
She's verile, she's hot, and she isn't annoying. What more do you want? Kitty Pryde's mutant power is called "phasing," which basically means that she can make her body or objects with which she is in contact intangible. Umm, awesome. I want to start dating her so that we can sneak around together and steal things from people we don't like.

Kitty Pryde's place as a cultural icon cannot be underestimated. She was played by Ellen Page in the movie, which is radical. She's also immortalized in the Weezer song, "In the Garage." And we're not talking about the "Beverly Hills," lame-ass douchebag version of Weezer. We're talking about the epically awesome, Blue Album version of Weezer. Oh, Rivers Cuomo, where did it all go wrong?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Best Kind of Doctorate?

Lowbrow Answer: D.D.S. (Doctor of Dental Surgery)
Let me get this straight. You're spending years of your youth and thousands of dollars so that you can spend the majority of your adult life with your hands in other people's mouths? Are you insane? Did somebody drop you on your face when you were little?

Dentists, by the way, have one of the highest suicide rates of any job. I can see why. Nobody likes coming to see you, you're probably in debt, you spend your days smelling half-digested food, and you have to cut into people's gums to perform surgery. I'm sorry, but that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. I'd rather help remove somebody's colon than cut into a set of gums.

Middlebrow Answer: J.D. (Juris Doctor)
Lawyers blow. All of them. I don't care if you're one of those "good" ones that's helping to save the environment; you blow. You're helping to prop up a system that is so corrupt and convoluted that it does more to hurt American than to help it. Being a lawyer is like being the "nice guy" in your chapter of the KKK; no matter how great you are, you're still a racist prick.

The only thing that impresses me about this occupation is how much information is stored in your brain. Good lawyers can hear somebody say something in a trial and immediately reference some landmark decision in a case from 127 years ago. I wish I had that kind of recall. I could use it with women: "I'm sorry, Sarah, but fourteen years ago you told your best friend that you WERE, in fact, interested in trying a threesome."

Highbrow Answer: Ph.D. (Doctor of Philosophy)
There are few things more highbrow than studying just to study. Especially when, at the end of all that studying, you get to wear a crazy-looking robe and silly hat. My goal in life is to get a Ph.D. just so I can walk around in Los Angeles with a graduate robe. Maybe then those bastards at Arby's will take me seriously.

The greatest thing about Ph.D.'s is how specific they often are. Sure, your diploma says, "Math" or "English Literature," but your actual field of expertise is way more focused than that. You might be the world's preeminent mind on 16th century equine behavior or the history of the ham and cheese sandwich. Either way, you're useless to society and that makes you totally awesome.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Best U.S. Monument?

Lowbrow Answer: Mount Rushmore
South Dakota? What the hell is in South Dakota? That state is full of nothing by gun-toting republican militias and a varied assortment of wild bears, neither of which is too excited about the American government. Putting a monument to former U.S. Presidents in that state is like plopping an anti-gay statue in the middle of San Francisco.

And who chose these presidents? I guess you can't really argue with Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson, but Teddy Roosevelt? Really? You chose to fill the space between the guy who ENDED SLAVERY and the guy who WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE with the guy whose biggest claim to fame is that Teddy Bears are named after him? Are you insane?
What's next? You gonna give Rob Schneider an Oscar for his work in "Deuce Bigelow?"

Middlebrow Answer: The St. Louis Arch
Why are we putting a massive croquet wicket in the middle of our country? I thought the goal was to break away from English culture, not further recognize it. And calling it the Gateway to the West is a bit of a stretch. I should start calling my bedroom door the "Gateway to the Pleasure Dome."

You do have to appreciate the aesthetic here. It's simple, it's visible, and it's impressive. Sort of like Ron Jeremy's penis. And I think we can all agree that THAT is certainly an American treasure.

Highbrow Answer: The Statue of Liberty
Does anybody else think that the Statue of Liberty is kinda hot? Look at those boobs. And that tunic is pretty cute. I'd do her, if only I were a lot taller and made of metal. This statue is in a pretty amazing spot as well. She looks out over the Atlantic Ocean, vigilantly watching for tired, poor, huddled masses, and Godzilla attacks.

The Statue of Liberty is radical. She embodies the ideals on which this country was built, which are pretty highbrow. You can't really argue with the Declaration of Independence as an ultimately baddass document. We basically told King George to fuck off and then listed all the reasons why he was an idiot. Oh America. You used to be so delightfully eloquent when you were pissed off. Now you just dump a load of bombs and move on. *sigh*

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Best Way to Smoke Tobacco?

Lowbrow Answer: Cigarettes
Okay, you've made the decision to start smoking. Good for you. Nice work. So you wander up to a convenience store looking to sample the goods. And what's on offer? Hundreds of little white boxes with names like Marlboro, Newport, Benson & Hedges, and Salem. Can somebody tell me why cigarette brands all sound like private schools in New England?

The lamest part about brand-name cigarettes is that they all have filters. Look, I'm all for self-destruction, but if you're going to do it, don't be a pussy. Filters are like wearing a helmet before you shoot yourself in the head or wearing a turtleneck on the day you decide to hang yourself. Don't smoke "lites" and don't use a filter. Ass.

Middlebrow Answer: Roll-Ups
There's something inherently satisfying about building something with your own two hands. Kinda like how sex is always better with a girl that you pick up at a bar than it is with a prostitute or how a band is always awesome if you know the lead singer personally. Roll-ups are a celebration of man and all our opposable thumb glory. Just think; you get to bend over like some sort of 17th century craftsman every time you want a smoke. Coool.

Roll-ups are huge in Europe, and if I've learned anything from my degree in Geography, it's that Europe is the mecca of all things Rad. I mean, come on. They gave us democracy, the romance languages, Monet, Bach, soccer, chess, Radiohead, Guinness, and blowjobs. I'm not really inclined to disagree with anything they say. If they suddenly decide that pooping in your pants is cool, then tomorrow I'm buying some adult diapers.

Highbrow Answer: A Pipe
This is a real man's game. Nothing makes you feel more like your dad than smoking a pipe. You feel like a father in the 1950's, raising two and a half children and calling your wife, "Wife." You grab your smoking jacket, a copy of La Comédie humaine, and your pipe and you're all set for an evening of rest and relaxation and man-time.

A pipe allows you the pleasure of packing your own tobacco, but eliminates the mess and aesthetic misfortune of a roll-up. The beauty of pipes is that they can basically be made of anything. Wood, glass, stone, ivory, ancient relics, mummified fish, the petrified remains of Joseph Stalin; you name it and I can make you a pipe out of it. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that smoking tobacco through Stalin's remains is the very definition of highbrow.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Best Vacation Accomodation?

Lowbrow Answer: A Bed-and-Breakfast
Do I really want to leave my house and go on vacation so that I can travel away to... somebody else's house? I'm trying to avoid sitting in a living room and watching television while surrounded by weird family portraits and Hummel figurines, not get closer to it. This is supposed to be a vacation, not a visit to my grandparents.

And what's with the food? Nice old Mrs. Jenkins and her husband are sweet, but her eggs are soggy and his coffee tastes like shit. People who argue that home-cooked meals are the best are idiots. Home-cooked meals blow. I'm on vacation, it's time to spoil myself. I'm going to Applebee's.

Middlebrow Answer: A Hotel
There are too many people running around in hotels. Little kids peeing in the pool, middle-aged women with fake breasts and fake lips using the gym, ex-frat boys yelling at the football game in the downstairs bar. I feel like I'm suddenly in a college dorm at a school that I hate.

The worst part about staying in a hotel is that there's always some sort of reunion or convention going on. And have you ever noticed that only lame people attend those things? I don't want to come back from a night out to find the International Poodle Fanciers or the American Philatelic Society having drinks in my lobby.

Highbrow Answer: A Motel
I have one word for you: anonymity. No walking past the front desk every time you come home. No huge groups of people everywhere you go. Want to have a romantic tryst with a lover? Go to a motel. Need somewhere to come back to after committing a crime? Go to a motel. Motels are sterile and uncomfortable and don't feel at all like your house. But isn't that the point of a vacation? I don't go to a hooker looking for sex that feels exactly like it does with my wife.

Motels also offer that mystical connection to the road. That American, Kerouac love of traveling on highways. You pull your car in, hop in the bed, and off you go the next morning. Motels always have that flat, caffeine light that makes you feel totally epic about your trip, even if you're only going up the coast a ways to take your cat to a special veterinarian.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Best Deadly Sin?

Lowbrow Answer: Gluttony
God is basically saying that obese people are going to hell. They could be the nicest people on the face of the earth, but they'll be burning in an eternal inferno once they die from Diabetes or heart failure. Better lay off the donuts, fatty, or you'll be stuck spending eternity with Hitler, Judas, and Scar from the Lion King.

The worst part about this sin is that it doesn't just apply to food. It's basically taking too much of ANYTHING. So if I overindulge and read too much Kafka or Beckett, I'm a sinner? What if I give too much money to charity or do too well in a marathon? What a stupid sin.

Middlebrow Answer: Lust
I don't care what the Christian Right says, sex is great. Wonderful even. It's biology. If we weren't supposed to be craving it, then it wouldn't feel so good. If God were serious about mankind not boning so much, then he would have made the act itself feel like putting your hand in a fire or listening to a Britney Spears album all the way through.

If wanting to bone hot chicks is a sin, then God's an idiot. He's the one who supposedly made them so beautiful, shouldn't he understand if I'm walking around with a hard-on? If the inventor of the Bazooka loans me one and I accidentally blow up a Wendy's, how can he be mad? What the hell did he think was going to happen?

Highbrow Answer: Wrath
Nothing tastes better than vengeance. Wrath is highbrow because it's so open-ended. There's no clear path for this one, you just have to do something that counts as revenge. So, for example, if my roommate Dave poops on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night and I retaliate by taking a dump in his water bottle, then I get to tell everyone in hell that I'm there for pooping in a water bottle. Awesome.

Wrath also just sounds scary. Say it out loud. You feel like you're delivering some unholy war cry. It belongs in that collection of words that are terrifying even if you don't know their meaning, along with "Jihad," "Schadenfreude," and "arugula." Yeah, I know that last one is lettuce, but it sounds like some scary spider from The Odyssey.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Best Shakespeare Play?

Lowbrow Answer: Twelfth Night
My god, this play is annoying. I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but this shit where a girl is playing a boy and nobody can tell the difference is frustrating. Hey, everybody, that "guy" has boobs and no facial hair. And when the characters sneak to the edge of the stage to tell somebody a secret, WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU. Come on, Shakespeare. Couldn't you at least have them left the room?

And what's with everybody falling in love with everybody else? Did somebody spike the punch with pheromones or something? The cast of this play is like a group of teenagers on Ecstasy at a rave; everyone is horny and making out with each other and nobody really knows why.

Middlebrow Answer: Romeo and Juliet
Mercutio is the best fictional character ever created. He's the kind of dude that you want on your rugby team or standing behind you if some meat-head is about to kick your ass. He also delivers the best line in the play and gets to die epically. I would have a huge crush on him if I weren't so concerned with trying to BE him.

This play does have its problems, though. Romeo meets Juliet at a party and then falls in love. Boom. Just like that. I'm sorry, but I've met a bunch of great girls at parties and I've never just fallen in love with them. Come on, Romeo. You've got to slow down a bit. What if you get Juliet home and discover that her walls are covered in John Mayor posters and her favorite movie is "Must Love Dogs?"

Highbrow Answer: Titus Andronicus
This shit is crazy. Tongues get cut out, people get baked into pies, arabs are buried in sand and left to starve, and everyone is dead at the end. It's basically "Silence of the Lambs" set in 1590.

The most epic character is Lavinia, who basically spends the whole play getting shit on. First she is raped, then her hands are cut off and her tongue is removed by the douchebags who raped her, and then her own father snaps her neck. How cheerful. Maybe Disney should do an animated version for next Christmas. We could call it, "Eat Your Heart Out," and each of Lavinia's stumps could have a little mouth and play the comical supporting characters.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Best Length for a Woman's Skirt?

Lowbrow Answer: To the Thigh
Trust me, I love vagina's as much as the next guy. Maybe even more so. But I don't need to see them while I'm eating an omelet at Denny's or arguing with the mechanic about why my muffler is suddenly dragging on the ground. There's a time and a place, my love, and that time is not during physics class and that place is not at my grandmother's funeral.

I inherently distrust any piece of clothing that uses less fabric than a scarf. Plus, what's the point of putting in a bunch of work so that a girl will let you see her cash and prizes if she's showing them to everybody every time she goes out to a club. The whole idea of having a girlfriend is that I don't have to share. I didn't buy a flatscreen TV so that all my neighbors could come over and watch it, ya know what I mean?

Middlebrow Answer: To the Ankle
There are few things more elegant than a woman in an evening gown. Makes you feel like we're back in the 1920's, when men wore badass suits everywhere and women didn't look like tramps all the time. We should go back to that era. We could all learn to dance to big band music, Coney Island would be the happiest place on earth, and I could finally change my name to Phinneus without fear of reprisal from my lacrosse-playing fratboy classmates.

That being said, ankle-length has its problems. Why grow a rose to keep it in a cupboard? We're not Amish; we won't pass out or be overtaken by the devil if we see a little calf muscle. Plus, it's got to be hot under there. Nobody wants the equivalent of a sheet wrapped around their legs in the middle of July. Nobody who isn't living in the Arctic, anyway.

Highbrow Answer: To the Knee
This is the shit. Not too hot, not too cold. A knee-length skirt is like good soft-core porn; we get to see some nice sex but we avoid the weird hardcore stuff where people are trying to shove vegetables into each other's buttholes or all the women are dressed like slutty Russian Field Mice.

People today have forgotten the joy of mystery. The pleasure of not knowing. A knee-length skirt lets your imagination run wild. Maybe your lady friend has endargered Peruvian goldfish hidden in her crotch. Maybe she's growing sweet potatoes. You'll never know until you get up there. It's an Agatha Christie novel: "Murder in a Knee-Length Skirt on the Orient Express."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Best Defunct Baseball Team?

Lowbrow Answer: Orlando Juice (Played in the Senior Professional Baseball League from 1989-1990)
"Orlando Juice" sounds like a member of the Wu-Tang Clan or a character on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." It does not sound like a professional baseball team. You haven't even told us what kind of juice it is. Maybe it would be better if it were the Orlando Orange Juice or the Orlando CranApple juice. Then we'd at least know the flavor of the team.

This squad played for just one year in a league for old people. No, seriously. The league age limit was you had to be at least 35. I wonder if they had bathroom breaks every inning or if the umpires were also nurses in case somebody broke a hip. No wonder the league itself only lasted a year and a half; I bet most of the players had died of exhaustion after the first 11 months.

Middlebrow Answer: Cleveland Infants (Played in the Players' League in 1890)
Playing baseball in the 19th century is awesome. It's the epitome of "old-school." Realize for a second that 1890 is only 25 years after the Civil War had ended. That means that all the players still had crazy-ass facial hair like this or this, still hated anybody from south of the Mason-Dixon line, and probably used muskets to lay down bunts. Awesome.

No matter how you look at it, though, "Infants" is a terrible name for a baseball team. The name of your team is supposed to incite fear and terror in the hearts of your opponents, not make them say, "Awwwww. Wook at the widdle baby." What was your mascot? A giant baby wandering around the field, flinging poo from its diaper at opposing fans?

Highbrow Answer: Kansas City Monarchs (Played in the Negro League from 1920 - 1965)
It's pretty hard to argue against a team that had Jackie Robinson, Satchel Paige, Elston Howard, and Ernie Banks. That would be like trying to convince me that a band made up of Thom Yorke, Bjork, Beck, Trent Reznor, and Michael Stipe played shitty music; I just wouldn't believe you.

The name Monarchs, too, had a nice dual meaning. On one hand, we're talking about kings and queens and the monarchy. On the other, we're talking about a North American butterfly, one of the only insects in the world capable of making a transatlantic journey. Either way, we're talking about some highbrow. Butterflies rule. I want to get a string of them tattooed on me, starting at my ass and ending in my crotch. Then they'll be going from my butt to my fly. Get it? "Butt-to-flies?" I'm hilarious.

Best Muppet?

Lowbrow Answer: Ms. Piggy
Alright, don't think I'm sexist for choosing the one prominent female Muppet to be the lowbrow choice: I can't help it if the one prominent female Muppet sucks ass. She's blonde, she's spoiled rotten, and she's trying to be an actress; she's the Muppet version of Paris Hilton. I can't wait till somebody releases a sex tape that shows Miss Piggy getting reamed by the Swedish Chef.

Miss Piggy's solution to any problem she can't solve is to karate chop everbody in sight. Real classy. There's nothing more lowbrow than throwing a tantrum when things don't go your way. You're like Hitler, or that kid "Jimmy" who used to sit in the back of my kindergarten class and sniff flavored markers. I'm pretty sure Jimmy is in prison now on an armed robbery charge. Poor, crazy bastard.

Middlebrow Answer: Kermit the Frog
Kermit seems to be the only Muppet who ever makes any sense. He also is the only one that we ever see driving or playing a banjo, so at least we can be sure he has competent fine motor skills. That's more than I can say for alot of Americans, including our last president.

But Ms. Piggy? Seriously? You're the head of the Muppets. You could be shacking up with Janice from Dr. Teeth and Electric Mayhem or Kim Kardashian. What are you doing with the annoying pig? You need to grow a pair, dude. Tell that controlling bitch that you need some space or you're gonna sell her to the slaughterhouse down the street. Oh, also, "The Rainbow Connection" sounds like it was written by Hanson.

Highbrow Answer: Gonzo the Great
Two dollars to anybody who can tell me what species Gonzo even is. He looks like a cross between a turkey and a mosquito, but I can't be sure. On The Muppet Show, Gonzo had a bunch of jobs, including conductor and bomb technician. Badass. The guy must have been in grad school for 35 years to earn both those titles.

Gonzo is also romantically involved with Camilla the Chicken. Now THAT'S a woman. She doesn't nag or complain, she's a cheap date, and she'll make you an omelet any time you want one. Literally. Plus, she's got a whole gaggle of friends who look just like her if you're ever feeling a bit kinky.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Best Beatle?

Lowbrow Answer: Paul McCartney
What a toolbag. McCartney is responsible for all the dumb, poppy bullshit that the Beatles put out. You know the songs I'm talking about. It's all the ones with "love," "baby," or "your hand" in the title. And hey, people who keep trying to convince me that Wings is a good band; you're wrong. They blow. McCartney going from the Beatles to THAT is like Hugh Grant going from Elizabeth Hurley to this.

And what's with McCartney still playing? He's been at festivals all over the place and was even the headliner for Glastonbury in 2004. Dude, just quit. None of us twenty-somethings even know who you are. You're trying to get thousands of people to feel nostalgic about "Hey Jude," a song you wrote about twenty years before any of us were even born. Get off the stage, we want to see the Ting-Tings.

Middlebrow Answer: John Lennon
He's responsible for what are, in my opinion, the three most amazing songs in the Beatles catalog in "I am the Walrus," "A Day in the Life," and "Across the Universe." Plus his glasses are cool and his hair is sexy. He's like an English, musician, seventies version of Zac Efron. Dreamy.

Of course, all I really have to say to negate all of that are the words, "Yoko Ono." Come on, Lennon. Didn't you learn anything from World War II? What are you doing cavorting with the Japanese? You're a Beatle. You can have any girl you want, and you chose her? Seriously? That's like me having a whole library of good pornography and choosing to masturbate to golf instead; it's just not making the most of my options, ya know?

Highbrow Answer: George Harrison
Anybody who is good friends with the cast of Monty Python earns instant kudos. In particular, Harrison was close with Eric Idle. Here they are performing together. So, let's see. Your friends work in low-level white collar jobs, taking orders from wealthy, boring republicans and spending their weekends cheering for the Red Sox and doting on their future children, and his friends are comedy legends who pushed the boundaries of art and censorship and will be revered by the entertainment business FOREVER. Hmmm. Who wins....

Harrison is also basically responsible for introducing the world to the sitar. When travelling in India, he decided to contact Ravi Shankar to learn the instrument. Remember back in the day when young people actually devoted themselves to learning something hard instead of playing guitar hero all day and texting each other? Harrison wrote "Within You Without You" on the sitar, which went on the Sargent Pepper's album. Give it a listen; who knew a white guy could shred the sitar with such gusto?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Best Movie about Robots?

Lowbrow Answer: Transformers
I can't even tell who is fighting who in most of these battle scenes. It's just a big mess of machinery and yelling and explosions. I feel like Michael Bay's answer for any problems during shooting must have been "just blow something up:"

Producer: Michael, there's a huge plot hole on page 45.
Michael: Let's drop a Ferrari onto the Eiffel Tower. That should clear things up.
Producer: ...Okay. And what about the final love scene?
Michael: Have a locomotive crash through an entire squadron of Marine tanks.
Producer: But there are no trains in the script.
Michael: In that case, let's ram a space shuttle into The Lincoln Memorial.
Producer: ...What?

Middlebrow Answer: A.I.
You and every critic in America may hate this movie, but anything that Stanley Kubrick had a hand in creating automatically rises above lowbrow. This film isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. It's got cyborg gigolos, aliens, fake children, weird talking teddy bears, Ben Kingsley's voice, and all kinds of neon lights. Sounds like one of the sex dreams I've been having lately.

Of course, it does have its problems. It's way too long, the ending is crazy, and I keep expecting Haley Joel Osment to start pointing out dead people. I also don't quite understand the sudden appearance of aliens in the end. It makes about as much sense as a two-legged dog with the head of Martin Van Buren. See what I'm talking about?

Highbrow Answer: Bladerunner
Oh, Ridley Scott. You were so awesome before you got senile and started making movies like "Body of Lies" and "A Good Year." Bladerunner is totally money. It's basically Harrison Ford wandering through shadowy, rainy backdrops contemplating the difference between human and artificial life. Harrison Ford makes anything awesome. They could film him cooking a pot roast for 2 hours and I'd watch.

The movie ends with the famous "Tears in Rain" monologue, which is basically pornography for the highbrow elite. It's raining, it's dark, and a cyborg is speaking his last words before his systems shut down and he is dead forever. BONER. I think maybe only Adorno and Marx tag-teaming Hannah Arendt would give me more of an erection.