Friday, May 21, 2010

Best Character from The Matrix?

Lowbrow Answer: Apoc
Let me get this straight. You get to choose any name you want for your Matrix persona, and you went with "Apoc?" What the fuck is an Apoc? It sounds like some kind of anal fissure or musical instrument from the 1490's or a North Korean social media website. Why didn't you go with something awesome like "Xanthar, Destroyer of Worlds" or "Sir Bone-a-lot" or "Lorenzo Lamas." Idiot.

Also, remind me again what you did in this movie, exactly. If my memory serves me, you showed up at a telephone and then fell over dead. Man. Tough character work, huh? How did you prepare for the role? Spend hours and hours waiting by a payphone and then fainting when it rang? What a wuss.

Middlebrow Answer: Cypher
There's something inherently awesome about being a traitor. Just look at Benedict Arnold. I bet you can't name me a single military leader from the American Revolution (George Washington doesn't count, smartass) but you know his name. Why is being a traitor awesome? Because fuck being a team player. All the other kids on your team suck.

Of course, this idiot couldn't be more inept if he tried. All you have to do is unplug everyone, jackass. Just pull the wire out from the back of their head. But no. You have to talk to Trinity and explain your whole plan like some kind of moronic Bond villain. And hey, instead of just shooting at Tank and assuming he's dead, why not, say, cut his head off? Or throw his body into a furnace? Or MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD. Christ.

Highbrow Answer: Mouse
Have you ever noticed how awesome little squirrelly dudes are? Think about it. The best characters in movies are always the timid, neurotic geniuses. Like Rat from "The Core" or Rockhound from "Armageddon" or Funshine Bear from "The Care Bears Movie." Mouse is no different. Neo saved the world? Who cares. Mouse created that chick in the red dress. Yum.

And how about his death scene? You have to respect anybody who, when faced with certain death, pulls out two grenade launchers and thinks: "Fuck it." I wish more people would make that choice. Just imagine if after they nailed Jesus to the cross, he had pulled out two flame-throwers and melted 150 Romans in a fiery blaze of glory. Then maybe I'd be into Catholicism.