Friday, June 18, 2010

Best Environmental Disaster?

Lowbrow Answer: Oil Spill
Yeah, I get it. Oil spills fuck up our environment. Boo hoo. I'm sorry, but I'm not impressed by something whose worst casualties are endangered pelicans. I like baby seals and clown fish as much as the next guy, but come on. Where are the thousands of dead bodies? Where are the hundreds of flattened houses? Oil spills are the boring Jane Austen novels in the literature of environmental disasters.

Why are we still drilling for oil anyway? We have wireless internet and touch-screen computers and those little plastic things that help you peel oranges; can't we invent some better way to make energy? Maybe we could create some sort of circular device that could harness the power of the air. Like a mill, but for wind. Like, a "wind-mill." I dunno, maybe I'm just talking crazy.

Middlebrow Answer: Mercury Leak
So imagine you're building a big industrial factory and it's time to install the toxic waste drainage. And the two options are to either (A) pipe the toxic waste to a off-site facility or (B) dump it straight into the ocean. Which do you pick?

If you chose A, you're intelligent! Pat yourself on the back.
If you chose B, you're Japan! Stab yourself with a samurai sword.

From 1932 to 1968, the Chisso Corporation of Minimata, Japan, dumped lethal mercury into the town's harbor. As a result, thousands of people suffered mercury poisoning, which fucks with your neurological function and eventually kills you. Nice work, Japan. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - this is the country where you can buy used panties from vending machines and whose two biggest exports are dolphin-slaughtering and Hello Kitty.

Highbrow Answer: Gas Explosion
You can't see it or hear it, and by the time you smell it, your skin is melting off and you're spitting up your gall bladder. Fun, huh? The worst gas explosion in history was the Bhopal Catastrophe of 1984, when 40 tons of methyl isocyanate (aka, cyanide) leaked out of the Union Carbide plant and wafted into the city. It killed 4,000 people instantly and injured another 500,000. Gives new meaning to the term, "silent but deadly" eh?

What makes Bhopal truly highbrow is the fact that it happened in one of the poorest parts of India. Nothing like inflicting more damage on people who are already living well below the poverty line. It's like punching a Dalmatian at a rescue shelter. Heartless. But highbrow cares not for your trivial human emotions or your adorable spotted dogs.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Best Form of Marriage?

Lowbrow Answer: Polygamy
There are two kinds of men who actually believe in polygamy: Mormons and douchebags. And I'm not really a fan of either. The Mormons think they should have 80 wives because Jesus told them it was a good idea (crazy...) and the douchebags think they should have 80 wives because their raw sexuality it just too potent to be contained in only one vagina (douchey...). Either way, I think most of these men deserve a bazooka circumcision.

Polygamy is too easy. It robs you of all the depression and despair that comes with having one partner your whole life. Who wants that? All of the greatest art was created in the throws of depression or despair. If you have 80 different pairs of boobs to play with, how are you expected to create anything highbrow or intellectual?

Middlebrow Answer: Monogamy
On one hand, a monogamous relationship can be an amazing, fulfilling union. You form an unbreakable bond with your lover. You know their thoughts before they do. You go everywhere together, do everything together, you experience life as one unit.

On the other hand, booooooooring. People are lame, selfish, annoying creatures. Why would you want to live with one on a permanent basis? Or marry one? Or have kids with one?! Ugh. Stab me in the heart with a rotting pickle before that happens. (Mmmmm...pickles)

Highbrow Answer: Polyandry
Polyandry is when one woman has several husbands. Hot. Shit. Polyandry was made famous by this little group of Greeks - you may have heard of them - they're called THE SPARTANS. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mess the Spartans. They'll send 300 of their best soldiers to your front door to kill all of your battle elephants and war rhinos.

Polyandry is great because it completely eliminates the male ego. Fuck the male ego. It's the reason we have nuclear war, rape, genocide, and the Transformer movies. Just imagine if women ran the world. Everything would be cleaner, we'd have fresh brownies every morning, and we wouldn't be spending all our money on our military when our schools are falling apart.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Best Square to be in During a Game of Four-Square?

Lowbrow Answer: One
Look at you. You proletariat swine. You're nothing more than a whipping boy for the higher squares. Cannon fodder for the ruling classes. You step in, your hopes alight with the dream of moving up in the world, only to be bitch-slapped by the 3-square with a gnarly double-tap spike moments later. Get the fuck back in line; you don't belong here.

If this were a game of chess, you'd be a pawn. If this were the army, you'd be the infantry. If this were sex, you'd be the hand-holding at dinner before we got home. And who wants to be any of that shit? Nobody. Except maybe those weird kids you knew in high school who liked to play with swords and light woodland creatures on fire. They probably wanted to be that shit. They probably grew up and became that shit.

Middlebrow Answer: Four
The best part about being the Four Square is that you get to make the rules up as you go along. You're truly an elementary school dictator. Want everybody to sing Yanni songs while they play? Done! Want all the girls to take their shirts off and jump up and down around the edge of your square? Done! Want to enslave all the kids with red-hair until you've created a master-race of tan-skinned blondes and brunettes ? Done! Being in charge is fun! Wheeeee!

It does kinda blow to have everyone and their mother trying to kill you. It's like being a KKK Klansman walking through downtown Compton; you're going to have enemies wherever you turn. One minute, square number three is your best friend. The next, he's trying to ram a red rubber ball so far up your ass that your grandkids will need dental work. I can't live like that. I need to be able to sleep at night.

Highbrow Answer: Three
For every Wizard, there's the man behind the curtain. Hitler had Goering. Mario had Luigi. William Wallace had that crazy Irish guy in the dress who talked to God. Sure, being in charge is great. But being right behind the guy in charge is truly highbrow. You get to secretly pull all the strings without any of the public pressure. It's like being the "they" from "that's what they say."

Let's also not forget that three is rad all by itself. It's a prime number, a Lucas number, and a Fibonacci number. Chew on that, four and five. It's also the subject of the best "Schoolhouse Rock" song ever written. Don't even try to disagree with me on that - I'll fight you. "Conjunction Junction" and "I'm Just A Bill" can suck my balls.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wait for it...

Ladies and Gentlemen,

NOT OUR CLASS DEAR will resume daily postings starting next MONDAY, June 14th. So get excited, you prole filth.


ps. If you don't know who this man is, stop reading my blog. Dumbass.