Friday, November 9, 2012

Book It

Sorry for the delay, loyal proles.

We are compiling old entries, editing content, and stuffing as many jokes about Japan as we can into the pages of what will hopefully become a book version of this website.

We'll keep you posted.

Until then, keep reading your Marx.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Back in a Jiffy

Dear Proletariat Swine,

New posts will begin appearing next Monday, August 20th. Stay tuned. 

Your pal,

Karl Marx

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Best Travel Partner?

Lowbrow Answer: Your Parents
Still taking exotic trips with your parents after you turned 18? Let me guess. You're a white, upper-middle class spoiled brat. Your name is something like "Daphne" or "Libby." All your trips are to famous European cities, where your family takes pasty photographs of each other in front of crumbly buildings that you're all convinced were built by hardworking medieval Italians but that were actually built by hardworking medieval slaves. Sound familiar?

Tragically, this family of yuppies was eaten by a shark just moments after this photo was taken.

There's nothing worse than traveling with your parents. They wear matching baby-blue sweatsuits to the airport, they keep their passports in those beige safety necklaces, and they insist on wearing New Balance walking shoes everywhere they go. Fucking New Balance. If Nike's motto is "Just Do It," New Balance's should be: "Eh. Who cares. You're old and boring anyway."

Middlebrow Answer: Your Significant Other
Traveling with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a mistress or a gimp or a sissyboy twink submissive is always a blast because you get to fuck on the road. It's like an away-game for your penis. There's nothing better than having sex in a foreign country. In a hotel room, on a cruise ship, on the back of an Estonian donkey. Whatever. Sex works on the same principle as modern cinema does: it improves steadily the farther away you get from America.

"I realize my body language says otherwise, but I fucking hate you."

That said, there's no quicker way to violently end a relationship than by taking a trip together. Sweet god. One minute, you're holding hands and sipping Margaritas on the beach in Cabo, and the next, you're calling your girlfriend a dumb skank while she sobs on the phone with the airline company because you got into a car that you thought was a taxi but that was actually a fruit delivery service and now you're standing in the foothills of an active Peruvian volcano.

Highbrow Answer: Bjork
Okay, you know how the Grand Canyon is totally spectacular? The majestic rock faces. The sheer open expanse. The way the sun hits the glimmering waters of the Colorado River. Now imagine that, while you're appreciating all that beauty, Bjork is telling you a story in Icelandic about the time a dwarf stole her toothbrush and used it to build a polar bear sanctuary. Awesome, right? I know. Awesome.

Bjork and I found this rock during our burro tour of Yosemite.

Seeing the world with Bjork as your tour guide is a highbrow dream come true. You could create atonal, unlistenable music by the shores of the Caspian Sea. You could write vague, indecipherable lyrics from the top of Mount Fuji. You could discuss Matthew Barney's latest work amongst the trees of the Black Forest. I should marry her right now so that I can have all that for the rest of my life. Plus, then I'd be the Duke of Bjork. (Get it? Like the Duke of York? Fucking A, I deserve a Golden Globe for this shit.)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Best Radiohead Album Cover?

Lowbrow Answer: In Rainbows
Hey, guys. You're the biggest band in the world. Your fans follow you with an unrivaled level of obsessive devotion. Thom Yorke could poop into a paper bag and I'd wait in line for 7 months just to smell it. You could name your next album, "Jeff King is a Goat-Molesting Scrotum Licker," and I'd still buy it. I'd buy 4 copies. What I'm trying to say here is that you don't need to write "In Rainbows" five times on the front of the record. I know what it's called. I knew what it was called before you did.

Somebody needs a lesson in proper forward slash usage.

The longer I stare at this album, the more I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. Man, visits to the optometrist's office would be way more fun if I got to stare at Radiohead albums the whole time. "Is Thom Yorke's staggering ability to write opaquely depressing lyrics clearer now, or now? How about this lens? Clearer? And now? What about now?"

Middlebrow Answer: The King of Limbs
Does anybody else have the sudden urge to play Pac-Man? Man, that game was awesome. Remember you had to rescue the princess, but there was that giant monkey throwing barrels at you the whole time. And you could use a sledgehammer to break through the obstacles and there were... Wait a minute. That's Donkey Kong, isn't it. Dammit. I've done waaaay too many Angel Dust this morning.

Please don't feed the psychedelic marine life

I can't help but wonder what the backstory is on these two jellyfish-lookin' ghost men. Are they friends? Enemies? In a jellyfish-lookin' ghost man boy band together? And what's the deal with their arms? They look like neon umbilical chords. By the way, I hear "The Neon Umbilical Chords" is going to be the name of the new Los Angeles NFL franchise.

Highbrow Answer: Kid A
Okay, so you know Hayao Miyazaki? He's the legendary Japanese animator who created "Spirited Away," "Princess Mononoke," and "My Neighbor Totoro." (If you still don't know who he is, you should stop reading this blog because I hate you. No, really. Stop.) Imagine if you took Miyazaki, fed him six pounds of cocaine, rammed a fishing rod up his ass, and then locked him in a dark room with a flock of rabid sheep for two weeks. I bet when you let him out and handed him some art supplies, he'd draw this album cover. Awesome.

The ski vacation from hell

It helps that "Kid A" is Radiohead's best album musically. It makes me way more inclined to like the album cover, you know? It's like how a fat girl can look terrible when you see her at a club, but that same fat girl becomes instantly more attractive the moment she starts licking your balls. So, in conclusion: listen to "Kid A" and sleep with a fat chick. You'll be very satisfied with both experiences.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"Apple" is...

Lowbrow Answer: ...A Tech Company
Steve Jobs is a prick. I don't care how smart he was or how good he looked in a black turtleneck. He was mean to his employees and refused to acknowledge and/or support his illegitimate daughter Lisa. "Mac people" love to talk about what an innovator he was or how amazing he looked in a black turtleneck, but I'll take Bill Gates any day. Sorry, morons who slept outside the Apple store for a week; "The Giving Pledge" is a way better invention than the iPad.

David and his new wife

But Jeff, I can hear some of you idiots saying, Apple's products are so easy to use. They're so intuitive and fun. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm an adult. I don't need bright colors and whimsical design. I can handle more than one button on my mouse. And do we really need to put the little 'i' on the front of every single product? Jesus. Enough already. Apple can lick my iButthole.

Middlebrow Answer: ...Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's Daughter
Say what you will about British O'BoringLyrics and and Blondie McNeedsToEatASandwich naming their child "Apple:" at least it wasn't "Katie" or "Sarah" or one of the many other boring suburban white girl names. I'm so sick of middle-class Yuppies pouring thousands of "Jennifers" into our already over-burdened mediocre Caucasian kid population.
And these are our daughters: Megan, Meghan, and Meagan

On the other side of the coin, who the fuck names their child "Apple?" Maybe if Gwyneth and Chris were Bjork and Matthew Barney (look him up, you prole swine), they could get away with naming their children after fruit. But they're not. They're the lead singer of Coldplay and the headless blonde chick from "Se7en." Boring. The weirdest name they're allowed to give a child is "Susan."

Highbrow Answer: ...A Fruit
Have you ever eaten an apple? Not some bullshit venti soy apple macchiato or Diet Apple Chips from Whole Foods or wherever. I'm talking about an apple. A motherfucking straight-from-the-tree apple. Holy shit, they're good. So crunchy and delicious. God dammit, I could eat like six a day. Although I hear that just one is good enough to keep the doctor away. Which is good, because I hate my doctor. I swear he makes me take my pants off just so he can laugh at my tiny penis.

Let's make some applesauce, girl.

As far as résumés go, it's pretty hard to argue with the fruit that single-handedly brought about the fall of man. Ain't no cantaloupe that can say that shit. To make an analogy, if fruit is the Kardashian family, then the apple would be Meryl Streep.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Best Solution for the Treyvon Martin Incident?

Lowbrow Answer: Do Nothing
Hey, George Zimmerman. Yeah, you. The pudgy shithead with the itchy trigger finger. I hate to break it to you, it's not 1878 anymore. Rhodesia is no longer a country. We cured Polio. Our national pastime has been changed from "Slaughtering Native Americans" to "Baseball." Oh, and black dudes count as whole people now. So keep it in your pants the next time you see a kid armed with what you're sure is a lethal bag of Skittles.

George, a Scorpio, enjoys long walks on the beach, red wine, and racism.

How was this asshole not arrested the moment Treyvon Martin hit the ground? If their races had been reversed - if Zimmerman were black and Martin were anything but black - the entire Republican party would have declared war on Africa. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum would have been talking about how it's time to "Get rid of those dark-skinned negroids once and for all." Instead, Martin bleeds on the sidewalk while Zimmerman gets a 2-for-1 hotdog deal from 7-11 on his way home from the incident.

Middlebrow Answer: Arrest, Try, and Sentence George Zimmerman
This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. What if we all got together and designed a system that would help protect common citizens from crime. And we could write up a bunch of rules that we all agree to live by. And when somebody broke one of those rules, we could, I don't know, like, capture them and make them explain what they did. And if their explanation wasn't good enough, then we could, and I'm just spitballing here, we could take away their freedom for some period of time. Man, I wish we lived in a country that had something like that. That would be awesome.

To Protect and Serve (White People)

Hey, Florida Police Department. I know most of you are just ignorant trailer trash whose only credentials for being a cop is a degree in Date Rape from Florida State, but come on. A kid is dead. At least arrest the idiot who shot him and, I dunno, ask him what happened? I promise, the Dolphins game will still be on when you get back.

Highbrow: Nuke Florida
Let's be honest. We're all thinking it. Sure, we'd lose a few grandparents in the process, but come on. Grandparents are sort of shitty. They smell funny, they think 25 cents is A LOT of money, and they always give you things like pencil holders or trapper-keepers for your birthday. (Grandma, how many pencils do you think I own that I need a three liter pencil case?) Nuke Florida and we successfully wipe out whole herds of gun-toting morons just like George Zimmerman. Seems like a win-win to me.

Florida: The dangling turd on the ass of America

How much better would America be without Florida, you ask? Let's see. We get rid of $23 billion (with a B) worth of state debt. N*Sync, Wesley Snipes, and Fred Durst never exist. Al Gore wins the 2004 presidential election. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Florida Panthers, and Miami Marlins all sink into the ocean. Sure, there are other states I'd be MORE interested in dropping a bomb onto (I'm looking at you, Mississippi), but Florida seems like a great place to start.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Best Sea?

Lowbrow Answer: The Dead Sea
It's wholly devoid of any interesting wildlife, you can't pee in it because the salt will sting your naughty parts, and it's teeming with nothing but wealthy American Jewish kids on their "Birthright" trips. Gee, sounds like a real party. Where do I sign up? The big selling point for The Dead Sea is that it's really salty, which means you can float in it. Whoopee. Floating in water. How unique. I can't wait to try it. Oh wait, I can try it. I can try it in ANY BODY OF WATER ON EARTH.

A school of tourists (Touristae Obnoxium) swims by

The Dead Sea is on the border between Israel and Jordan, which puts it smack dab in the center of a whimsical playground I like to call "The Middle East." What a fun place. Come for the fanatical religion, stay for the oppression and beheadings. I'm so bored of this region. Either get over your shit and have peace, or sack up and go to war. Just pick one and let's get on with it.

Middlebrow Answer: The East Siberian Sea
I'll give you one guess what country this one is next to (No, "Siberia" is not a country, jackass). The East Siberian Sea is known for its arctic temperatures, shallow waters, and frequent fogs. Its shores have also been used as a place for reindeer husbandry by a number of native tribes. So. To summarize. It's quiet. It's pretty. It's clean. And you can watch reindeer humping. I'm in.

Can you spot all six polar bears? (Hint: No, you can't)

In the 1930's, the areas along the edges of The East Siberian Sea were used as internment camps for prisoners of the oppressive Gulag System. The Gulag System, for all you philistines out there, was a method by which enemies of the Soviet state were worked to death in a series of remote labor facilities. "The Gulag System" is also potentially the greatest name ever conceived for a Brooklyn hipster band.

Highbrow Answer: The Salton Sea
Totally remote, post-apocalyptic landscape? Check. Piles of fish corpses? Check. Grimy, pollutant-laden sludge water? Check. This place has everything. I think I might take my honeymoon here. Nothing says romance like sludge water and piles of fish corpses. Although I'll have to be careful. If there were ever going to be a place where I'd get attacked by some kind of mutant lagoon monster with a taste for human meat, this would be it.

For Sale: Two bedroom, one bath. Fixer-Upper.

The Salton Sea was a bustling resort area back in the 1920's when it had, well, water in it. But a changing environment combined with a shifting flow of agricultural runoff has left it dry and abandoned. The only people left in the region are local hillbillies and social misfits. Awesome. I've been looking for a bleak place where I can lose all my teeth and sit in a rocking chair shouting incoherently at the sun.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Best Solution to the National Contraception Debate?

Lowbrow Answer: Let Men Decide
You're going to hold a congressional panel on contraception and you aren't going to invite any women? You're kidding, right? Am I on Candid Camera? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. It's like asking the cast of "Jersey Shore" to present a paper on thermonuclear dynamics. This is America. We invented amazing things like the clock, and the radio, and the clock-radio. You'd think we'd be smarter than that. And you'd be wrong.

"Then it's agreed. We all like boobs."

If men are going to make this decision, can we all agree that it should be liberal men? They're the ones having all the premarital sex in this country. At least they know what a vagina looks, feels, and (if they're taking care of business) tastes like. Conservative guys have only ever seen one through the hole in the sheet they use for baby-making. Most of them think "Fallopian Tubes" is a ride at Sea World.

Middlebrow Answer: Let Women Decide
Here's a crazy idea. How about we let the people with vaginas decide what should be done about all the vaginas. When your car breaks down, you don't take it to a dentist because one of his patients is a mechanic. You take it straight to the mechanic. You get what I'm saying? I know that women can be crazy sometimes, like in sixth grade when Katie Reagan kissed me on the bus but then held hands with Shaun Quinlan at the football game like only an hour later, but trust me - they can manage this one.

Equality and red bandanas for all!

Men are afraid that if they let women handle this issue, we'll all find out that women are way better at politics and law-making than men are. They're compassionate. They listen. They share their emotions. Sure they cry too easily and they suck at peeing in the snow, but nobody's perfect. Think about it this way. If we let women handle politics, it'd leave more time for us guys to do guy stuff. Like dunking basketballs or starting wars.

Highbrow Answer: Sterilize Everyone
Let's be honest. Mankind had its shot, and we blew it. Global warming, genocide, nuclear weapons, the Kardashians. And that's just in the last 200 years. Imagine what horrors we'll unleash upon the planet in coming centuries. Clearly, this world would be better off without us. Especially those of us who insist on strapping their cell phones to their belts like they're carrying some kind of deadly sidearm. The world would be REALLY better off without them.

Oh god, it's got my finger! Somebody grab a rifle!

Seems to me that contraception is all about children, and here's the thing about children: they're shitty. They cry all the time, they never sleep, and they poop in their pants. If you really want that wandering around your house, why not just adopt a meth addict? Save you the trouble of pushing a bowling ball out through your lady-hole. How about we all tie our tubes and have some fun for a change.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Best Ethnic Holiday?

Lowbrow Answer: St. Patrick's Day
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you aren't Irish. I know your last name is O'Brien and you have a bunch of freckles and you really like the Boston Celtics, but you aren't Irish. I don't care how many pounds of green eye-liner you're wearing or how many friends you have named "Sully." Cillian Murphy? He's Irish. Robbie Keane? He's Irish. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Irish. Dipshit fratboy from suburban Massachusetts wearing a green Red Sox uniform? Not Irish.

Nothing says St. Patty's like a drunk Asian girl

I don't care if your ancestors grew up in Dublin or Cork or O'KennyFlanniganGalway. You aren't your ancestors. Otherwise I'd be a four-foot-two Greek goat farmer with syphilis. Just like my Great Uncle δεδηλωμένη. But I'm not. I've never even owned a goat.

Middlebrow Answer: Cinco de Mayo
At least this holiday is based on something more than just being from somewhere. It commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army defeated the heavily favored French. Ah, the French. You can always count on them to lose a war. Even if it's against a country whose favorite TV shows involve grown men dressing up as toddlers.

"Oh, Jorge! You do such a nice job mowing our lawn! Now get out of here."

Of course, as with most things in this world, Cinco de Mayo has been ruined by white people. For every Mexican-American trying to honor the memory of his or her heroic ancestors, there are five Arizona State sorority girls in Corona bathing suits doing shots of tequila and mispronouncing words like "Quesadilla" and "Empanadas" and "Mexico." Damn you, white people. Damn you and your racial oppression and your imperialism and your golden retrievers.

Highbrow Answer: Civil Rights Day
Look, I love Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as much as the next guy. We'd totally be friends if he were still alive and I weren't so terrified of black people. But he's not the only guy that had a hand in this country's civil rights movement. You may have heard of a dude called Malcolm X. Or this nice lady I know, Rosa Parks. Or any of the other hundreds of similar activists. Like, I get it. Martin Luther King is the Lebron James of civil rights. But the team is still called the Miami Heat, you know what I'm saying?

And at power forward, Chris Bosh!

The last state to have "Civil Rights Day" instead of "Martin Luther Day" was New Hampshire, until it was changed in 1999. New Hampshire is such a conundrum. One day, its legislators introduce a bill that would allow store owners to refuse business to gays, and the next, it's open-minded enough to recognize the entire Civil Rights struggle instead of just one man. Make up your mind, Granite State. Are you a bastion of no-seatbelt-wearing, gun-toting prejudiced hicks, or the last outpost of true progressive, free-thinking, independent libertarians?