Monday, March 26, 2012

Best Solution for the Treyvon Martin Incident?

Lowbrow Answer: Do Nothing
Hey, George Zimmerman. Yeah, you. The pudgy shithead with the itchy trigger finger. I hate to break it to you, it's not 1878 anymore. Rhodesia is no longer a country. We cured Polio. Our national pastime has been changed from "Slaughtering Native Americans" to "Baseball." Oh, and black dudes count as whole people now. So keep it in your pants the next time you see a kid armed with what you're sure is a lethal bag of Skittles.

George, a Scorpio, enjoys long walks on the beach, red wine, and racism.

How was this asshole not arrested the moment Treyvon Martin hit the ground? If their races had been reversed - if Zimmerman were black and Martin were anything but black - the entire Republican party would have declared war on Africa. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum would have been talking about how it's time to "Get rid of those dark-skinned negroids once and for all." Instead, Martin bleeds on the sidewalk while Zimmerman gets a 2-for-1 hotdog deal from 7-11 on his way home from the incident.

Middlebrow Answer: Arrest, Try, and Sentence George Zimmerman
This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. What if we all got together and designed a system that would help protect common citizens from crime. And we could write up a bunch of rules that we all agree to live by. And when somebody broke one of those rules, we could, I don't know, like, capture them and make them explain what they did. And if their explanation wasn't good enough, then we could, and I'm just spitballing here, we could take away their freedom for some period of time. Man, I wish we lived in a country that had something like that. That would be awesome.

To Protect and Serve (White People)

Hey, Florida Police Department. I know most of you are just ignorant trailer trash whose only credentials for being a cop is a degree in Date Rape from Florida State, but come on. A kid is dead. At least arrest the idiot who shot him and, I dunno, ask him what happened? I promise, the Dolphins game will still be on when you get back.

Highbrow: Nuke Florida
Let's be honest. We're all thinking it. Sure, we'd lose a few grandparents in the process, but come on. Grandparents are sort of shitty. They smell funny, they think 25 cents is A LOT of money, and they always give you things like pencil holders or trapper-keepers for your birthday. (Grandma, how many pencils do you think I own that I need a three liter pencil case?) Nuke Florida and we successfully wipe out whole herds of gun-toting morons just like George Zimmerman. Seems like a win-win to me.

Florida: The dangling turd on the ass of America

How much better would America be without Florida, you ask? Let's see. We get rid of $23 billion (with a B) worth of state debt. N*Sync, Wesley Snipes, and Fred Durst never exist. Al Gore wins the 2004 presidential election. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Florida Panthers, and Miami Marlins all sink into the ocean. Sure, there are other states I'd be MORE interested in dropping a bomb onto (I'm looking at you, Mississippi), but Florida seems like a great place to start.


  1. 2000 Presidential Election. Not 2004. Fact-checking? That's high brow.