"Apple" is...

Lowbrow Answer: ...A Tech Company
Steve Jobs is a prick. I don't care how smart he was or how good he looked in a black turtleneck. He was mean to his employees and refused to acknowledge and/or support his illegitimate daughter Lisa. "Mac people" love to talk about what an innovator he was or how amazing he looked in a black turtleneck, but I'll take Bill Gates any day. Sorry, morons who slept outside the Apple store for a week; "The Giving Pledge" is a way better invention than the iPad.

David and his new wife

But Jeff, I can hear some of you idiots saying, Apple's products are so easy to use. They're so intuitive and fun. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm an adult. I don't need bright colors and whimsical design. I can handle more than one button on my mouse. And do we really need to put the little 'i' on the front of every single product? Jesus. Enough already. Apple can lick my iButthole.

Middlebrow Answer: ...Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's Daughter
Say what you will about British O'BoringLyrics and and Blondie McNeedsToEatASandwich naming their child "Apple:" at least it wasn't "Katie" or "Sarah" or one of the many other boring suburban white girl names. I'm so sick of middle-class Yuppies pouring thousands of "Jennifers" into our already over-burdened mediocre Caucasian kid population.

And these are our daughters: Megan, Meghan, and Meagan

On the other side of the coin, who the fuck names their child "Apple?" Maybe if Gwyneth and Chris were Bjork and Matthew Barney (look him up, you prole swine), they could get away with naming their children after fruit. But they're not. They're the lead singer of Coldplay and the headless blonde chick from "Se7en." Boring. The weirdest name they're allowed to give a child is "Susan."

Highbrow Answer: ...A Fruit
Have you ever eaten an apple? Not some bullshit venti soy apple macchiato or Diet Apple Chips from Whole Foods or wherever. I'm talking about an apple. A motherfucking straight-from-the-tree apple. Holy shit, they're good. So crunchy and delicious. God dammit, I could eat like six a day. Although I hear that just one is good enough to keep the doctor away. Which is good, because I hate my doctor. I swear he makes me take my pants off just so he can laugh at my tiny penis.

Let's make some applesauce, girl.

As far as résumés go, it's pretty hard to argue with the fruit that single-handedly brought about the fall of man. Ain't no cantaloupe that can say that shit. To make an analogy, if fruit is the Kardashian family, then the apple would be Meryl Streep.