Monday, April 2, 2012

Best Radiohead Album Cover?

Lowbrow Answer: In Rainbows
Hey, guys. You're the biggest band in the world. Your fans follow you with an unrivaled level of obsessive devotion. Thom Yorke could poop into a paper bag and I'd wait in line for 7 months just to smell it. You could name your next album, "Jeff King is a Goat-Molesting Scrotum Licker," and I'd still buy it. I'd buy 4 copies. What I'm trying to say here is that you don't need to write "In Rainbows" five times on the front of the record. I know what it's called. I knew what it was called before you did.

Somebody needs a lesson in proper forward slash usage.

The longer I stare at this album, the more I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. Man, visits to the optometrist's office would be way more fun if I got to stare at Radiohead albums the whole time. "Is Thom Yorke's staggering ability to write opaquely depressing lyrics clearer now, or now? How about this lens? Clearer? And now? What about now?"

Middlebrow Answer: The King of Limbs
Does anybody else have the sudden urge to play Pac-Man? Man, that game was awesome. Remember you had to rescue the princess, but there was that giant monkey throwing barrels at you the whole time. And you could use a sledgehammer to break through the obstacles and there were... Wait a minute. That's Donkey Kong, isn't it. Dammit. I've done waaaay too many Angel Dust this morning.

Please don't feed the psychedelic marine life

I can't help but wonder what the backstory is on these two jellyfish-lookin' ghost men. Are they friends? Enemies? In a jellyfish-lookin' ghost man boy band together? And what's the deal with their arms? They look like neon umbilical chords. By the way, I hear "The Neon Umbilical Chords" is going to be the name of the new Los Angeles NFL franchise.

Highbrow Answer: Kid A
Okay, so you know Hayao Miyazaki? He's the legendary Japanese animator who created "Spirited Away," "Princess Mononoke," and "My Neighbor Totoro." (If you still don't know who he is, you should stop reading this blog because I hate you. No, really. Stop.) Imagine if you took Miyazaki, fed him six pounds of cocaine, rammed a fishing rod up his ass, and then locked him in a dark room with a flock of rabid sheep for two weeks. I bet when you let him out and handed him some art supplies, he'd draw this album cover. Awesome.

The ski vacation from hell

It helps that "Kid A" is Radiohead's best album musically. It makes me way more inclined to like the album cover, you know? It's like how a fat girl can look terrible when you see her at a club, but that same fat girl becomes instantly more attractive the moment she starts licking your balls. So, in conclusion: listen to "Kid A" and sleep with a fat chick. You'll be very satisfied with both experiences.

No comments:

Post a Comment