Monday, April 26, 2010

Best Reason to Hate Somebody?

Lowbrow Answer: Because of their Race
Are you kidding me with this? What are you, five? Being racist hasn't been cool since the 1950's, and even then it was fucking lame. Grow up. Minorities are great. Without them, we wouldn't have this little thing called ALL OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. Sorry to break it to you, but mankind started in Africa and then spread to Asia. So just remember, the next time you lay your racist white head down to sleep, that some ancient ancestor of yours was probably a black man from China named Muhammad Abbas.

The worst part about racists is how afraid they are to admit it. They'll scream the "N" word at the top of their lungs until there are actual black people around. Then they're quiet as can be. Cowards. If you're going to be racist, at least have the stones to take off your stupid white hood and wander around in a Nazi SS uniform, waving the Confederate flag, and carrying your lynchin' rope. At least then you won't be a racist prick and a pussy.

Middlebrow: Because of their Religion
I'm usually pretty anti-religion, but I'm not going to hate somebody just because they talk to an invisible man that they believe lives in the sky. That's more funny than it is threatening. I mean, how can you hate a Buddhist? They just sit there and agree with anything you say. Or a Unitarian Universalist? Those guys are amazing. I told them I wanted to worship Radiohead as my new God and they had their organist play "Ideoteque" after last week's sermon. Genius.

On the other hand, some religions are just plain stupid. The Mormons think black people aren't going to Heaven. The Scientologists think God is coming to rescue them in a spaceship. Evangelicals think Jesus rode a Tyrannosaur through the streets of Jerusalem. I have no tolerance for that type of idiocy. You can hate those people all you want.

Highbrow Answer: Because They're Breathing
Have you ever noticed that everyone you know is an idiot? Yeah, me too. Even if they're smart about one thing, they're a moron about something else. Like Nobel scientists who are religious, or brilliant musicians who name their kids after tropical fruits. Just save yourself the trouble and buy a shotgun. Sit on your porch, and if anyone comes by, blow their brains out. Whoever it was, they deserved it, I promise.

People blow. We start wars, we rape the planet, we slaughter animals, and we produce shows like "Jersey Shore" and "The Bachelor." No wonder God hates us. Screw just kicking us out of Eden, I would have burned the whole garden down.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Best Volcanic Eruption?

Lowbrow Answer: Mt. Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland - 2010
What is this shit? No piles of dead animals, no rivers of molten rock, no clouds of super-heated poisonous gas melting people alive. In other words: no fun. I'm going to start printing novelty t-shirts and selling them in Iceland: "My volcano exploded and all I got were delays at Heathrow Airport."

Speaking of which, All I've heard this week arenews reports about European airport delays. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Quit your whining. Thirty years ago we didn't even have commercial airlines. Oh, how horrible. You're stuck in beautiful southern Italy. You can't get back to your worthless job as an I-banker and have to spend an extra five days on the beach in Sardinia. Poor you. Ass Monkey.

Middlebrow Answer: Mt. Vesuvius, Italy - 79 AD
In one of the most famous eruptions of all time time, Mt. Vesuvius explodes and wipes the Roman towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum completely off the map. Ten feet of ash falls onto Italian soil. The heat is so intense that many of the victims are found with the tops of their heads missing—their brains having boiled and exploded. That's right, exploding heads. The ten-year-old inside me just popped a boner.

Although, am I really impressed by something that just kills a bunch of Italians. If that were the case, I'd be in love with the 1943 Allied Invasion of Sicily. (Hiyo! World War II joke! What UP?!) Vesuvius is certainly cool, but come on. These aren't Russians we're talking about. They're Italians. I could kill 50 of them right now just by snipping the break-lines on a few Vespas.

Highbrow Answer: Mt. Tambora, Indonesia - 1816
On April 10th, Mt. Tambora is 13,000 feet tall. Five days later, on April 15th, the mountain has spewed 93 cubic miles of ash and debris into the air and is now just 9,000 feet tall. Talk about a crash diet. It's like bulimia on steroids. The eruption kills 92,000 people, and another 100,000 from starvation and lung-problems in the following six months.

"Oh my god," you might be thinking. "All those people dead. That's so terrible." I wouldn't worry about it. Most of them were morons anyway. Especially the ones that thought, "Let's live at the base of an active volcano. The view here is great."

What's really amazing is the effect this blast had on the planet: 1816 became known as the “year without a summer” because of the volcanic ash in the atmosphere that lowered worldwide temperatures. It snowed in New England that June, and crop failures were common throughout Northern Europe and North America.

So. To conclude with a little math: (Mass Destruction + High Death Toll) x (Worldwide Devastation + Random Act of Nature) = [Proof that life is meaningless] = High/Brow

Friday, April 16, 2010

Best Karaoke Song?

Lowbrow Answer: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
She's just a small town girl and she took the midnight train going anywhere? How? Where the hell are this girl's parents? Getting on a train to meet up with some strange city boy sounds like the opening sequence of NBC's "To Catch a Thief." I can guarantee you that girl is going to end up drunk on the floor of some motel with her pants around her ankles, while Mr. City Boy hotfoots it to Mexico with her purse.

And as if this song weren't already annoying enough, those miscreants from "Glee" had to go and cover it. So now we've got an entire race of perky teenagers humming the tune while they listen to their pink iPods and text their friends. Where's a mass infanticide when you need one.

Middlebrow Answer: "We are the Champions," by Queen
You are the champions? Of what? You just win the World Cup? Capture the Super Bowl? Eat 129 hot dogs in three and a half minutes? No. No, you didn't. Because you're a balding fat-ass singing karaoke in a rundown Marriott in New Hampshire. You're a lot of things, but a champion isn't one of them.

Although, it's hard to argue with Freddie Mercury. What a badass. Ridiculous voice, awesome tight pants, and great music. Rumor has it that when Mercury found out he had AIDS, he ignored doctors and just threw a bunch of wild parties before he died. Makes sense. Let's see, do I want to waste away in a hospital bed or snort cocaine off a retarded midget's titty?

Highbrow Answer: "The Dead Flag Blues" by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
It's seventeen minutes long. There is no singing. It features apocalyptic poetry and weird ambient noise. If you've never heard this song, click here and get educated on the first ten minutes of it, at least. Think of it as an investment in your future. A little gift from me to you.

I can just picture the scene. A crowded Alabama bar with a shitty karaoke machine in the corner. A blond slut just sang "Like a Virgin" in the single most non-ironic ironic moment ever. They call your name. You take a deep breath, pull up your skinny jeans, and step toward the mic. Four minutes into this song, people start to boo. Eight minutes in, they start throwing beer. Sixteen minutes in and The Department of Homeland Security shows up to arrest you for being Un-American. Mission accomplished. Highbrow achieved.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Best of the New Star Wars Movies?

Lowbrow Answer: The Phantom Menace
Good lord, what a mess. Did George Lucas just take a dump onto his keyboard and then film whatever came out in Microsoft Word? Actually, that probably would have been an avante-gard masterpiece. This is something worse. Something unholy. This movie is like that weird guy you see in church who spends all his free time jerking off to the Old Testament. It just ain't right.

And where the hell did we get this kid? Is his hair long to cover the lobotomy scars? I think you would have gotten a better performance if you had literally just hired somebody off the street and had them read from the script on camera.

Middlebrow Answer: Revenge of the Sith
I'm on board with any film that features multiple infanticides. Kids are annoying anyway. Always wiping their boogers on my furniture and breaking my windows with their baseballs. Can't we just send the children of America to some kind of distant island compound until they turn 11? Then maybe we wouldn't have so many illiterate, 9-year-old fatties in our middle-schools.

Although, this whole movie is ruined by one single moment. Can you guess what it is? Of course you can. It's this. Are you kidding me, Lucas? I've seen better dramatic moments from the woman selling Onyx Vagina Bracelets on QVC. Kill yourself.

Highbrow: District 9
Man, this movie was fucking awesome. Right? Back me up on this one. Best film of 2009, if you ask me. What's that? What's that you say? "District 9" isn't one of the new Star Wars movies? Oh. Huh. That makes sense. I wondered how it was so good when all the others were so bad.

What happened, George Lucas. Your entire prequel trilogy sank like poor immigrants on the Titanic. There is literally not one good scene or moment in any of the new films. Except maybe Natalie Portman's midriff in the second one. Although, it's not like I'll ever get to touch that anyway. Do I really want to stare at the unattainable? It'd be like watching porn after both my hands were cut off. (Get it? That's a masturbation joke.)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Best Thing to do on a Long Car Ride?

Lowbrow Answer: Watch a DVD
Hey wealthy douchebags of America: stop pampering your jerkoff kids. They don't need Tiffany earrings when they're twelve, they don't need vacations in the Hamptons, and they don't need to watch movies in the car. They need a few days of hard work and my foot up their ass.

The worst thing about these is that the kids are never watching anything good. If little Timmy were watching Lars Von Trier's "Dogville" on the way to soccer practice, maybe I'd be okay with the DVD player in the car. But he's not. Little Timmy is watching "The Suite Life of Zak and Cody" and picking his nose. Because little Timmy is a moron, just like his parents.

Middlebrow Answer: Play Car Games
"I Spy" is the greatest game ever created. It's so beautifully simple. You see something - other people guess what it is. Period. There are no special rules or electric buzzers or phoning-a-friend. You just guess. Now THAT'S entertainment. I haven't been this excited since I jaunted around the maypole last St. Crispin's day.

The problem with car games is that, for them to work, you need other people, who may or may not be complete idiots. You can't really play "I Spy" by yourself. (I mean, you could, but they take kids like that away and put them in rubber rooms) You have to play with your cousin or your brother or your friend, and your cousin/brother/friend is usually way less intelligent than you are. Especially if you're me.

Answer: Sit Still and Be Quiet
There's this thing that was invented hundreds of years ago that you may have heard of. It's called "Patience." It's when you shut your mouth and sit still. Sound kind of boring? Yeah, it is. But oh well. Suck it up, you spoiled bitch. Life's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be long and arduous and full of shit. Kind of like my lower intestine.

Car rides are great for thinking. Try it some day. Unplug your laptop and switch off your iPod and silence your cell phone and put away your Kindle and logoff your Facebook account and disconnect your GPS and close your Nintendo DS and just let your mind wander. You'll think of all kinds of good stuff that you can tell your friends about on Twitter.