Best Thing to do on a Long Car Ride?

Lowbrow Answer: Watch a DVD
Hey wealthy douchebags of America: stop pampering your jerkoff kids. They don't need Tiffany earrings when they're twelve, they don't need vacations in the Hamptons, and they don't need to watch movies in the car. They need a few days of hard work and my foot up their ass.

The worst thing about these is that the kids are never watching anything good. If little Timmy were watching Lars Von Trier's "Dogville" on the way to soccer practice, maybe I'd be okay with the DVD player in the car. But he's not. Little Timmy is watching "The Suite Life of Zak and Cody" and picking his nose. Because little Timmy is a moron, just like his parents.


Middlebrow Answer: Play Car Games
"I Spy" is the greatest game ever created. It's so beautifully simple. You see something - other people guess what it is. Period. There are no special rules or electric buzzers or phoning-a-friend. You just guess. Now THAT'S entertainment. I haven't been this excited since I jaunted around the maypole last St. Crispin's day.

The problem with car games is that, for them to work, you need other people, who may or may not be complete idiots. You can't really play "I Spy" by yourself. (I mean, you could, but they take kids like that away and put them in rubber rooms) You have to play with your cousin or your brother or your friend, and your cousin/brother/friend is usually way less intelligent than you are. Especially if you're me.


Answer: Sit Still and Be Quiet
There's this thing that was invented hundreds of years ago that you may have heard of. It's called "Patience." It's when you shut your mouth and sit still. Sound kind of boring? Yeah, it is. But oh well. Suck it up, you spoiled bitch. Life's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be long and arduous and full of shit. Kind of like my lower intestine.

Car rides are great for thinking. Try it some day. Unplug your laptop and switch off your iPod and silence your cell phone and put away your Kindle and logoff your Facebook account and disconnect your GPS and close your Nintendo DS and just let your mind wander. You'll think of all kinds of good stuff that you can tell your friends about on Twitter.