Best Reason to Hate Somebody?

Lowbrow Answer: Because of their Race
Are you kidding me with this? What are you, five? Being racist hasn't been cool since the 1950's, and even then it was fucking lame. Grow up. Minorities are great. Without them, we wouldn't have this little thing called ALL OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. Sorry to break it to you, but mankind started in Africa and then spread to Asia. So just remember, the next time you lay your racist white head down to sleep, that some ancient ancestor of yours was probably a black man from China named Muhammad Abbas.

The worst part about racists is how afraid they are to admit it. They'll scream the "N" word at the top of their lungs until there are actual black people around. Then they're quiet as can be. Cowards. If you're going to be racist, at least have the stones to take off your stupid white hood and wander around in a Nazi SS uniform, waving the Confederate flag, and carrying your lynchin' rope. At least then you won't be a racist prick and a pussy.


Middlebrow: Because of their Religion
I'm usually pretty anti-religion, but I'm not going to hate somebody just because they talk to an invisible man that they believe lives in the sky. That's more funny than it is threatening. I mean, how can you hate a Buddhist? They just sit there and agree with anything you say. Or a Unitarian Universalist? Those guys are amazing. I told them I wanted to worship Radiohead as my new God and they had their organist play "Ideoteque" after last week's sermon. Genius.

On the other hand, some religions are just plain stupid. The Mormons think black people aren't going to Heaven. The Scientologists think God is coming to rescue them in a spaceship. Evangelicals think Jesus rode a Tyrannosaur through the streets of Jerusalem. I have no tolerance for that type of idiocy. You can hate those people all you want.


Highbrow Answer: Because They're Breathing
Have you ever noticed that everyone you know is an idiot? Yeah, me too. Even if they're smart about one thing, they're a moron about something else. Like Nobel scientists who are religious, or brilliant musicians who name their kids after tropical fruits. Just save yourself the trouble and buy a shotgun. Sit on your porch, and if anyone comes by, blow their brains out. Whoever it was, they deserved it, I promise.

People blow. We start wars, we rape the planet, we slaughter animals, and we produce shows like "Jersey Shore" and "The Bachelor." No wonder God hates us. Screw just kicking us out of Eden, I would have burned the whole garden down.