"Apple" is...

Lowbrow Answer: ...A Tech Company
Steve Jobs is a prick. I don't care how smart he was or how good he looked in a black turtleneck. He was mean to his employees and refused to acknowledge and/or support his illegitimate daughter Lisa. "Mac people" love to talk about what an innovator he was or how amazing he looked in a black turtleneck, but I'll take Bill Gates any day. Sorry, morons who slept outside the Apple store for a week; "The Giving Pledge" is a way better invention than the iPad.

David and his new wife

But Jeff, I can hear some of you idiots saying, Apple's products are so easy to use. They're so intuitive and fun. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm an adult. I don't need bright colors and whimsical design. I can handle more than one button on my mouse. And do we really need to put the little 'i' on the front of every single product? Jesus. Enough already. Apple can lick my iButthole.

Middlebrow Answer: ...Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's Daughter
Say what you will about British O'BoringLyrics and and Blondie McNeedsToEatASandwich naming their child "Apple:" at least it wasn't "Katie" or "Sarah" or one of the many other boring suburban white girl names. I'm so sick of middle-class Yuppies pouring thousands of "Jennifers" into our already over-burdened mediocre Caucasian kid population.

And these are our daughters: Megan, Meghan, and Meagan

On the other side of the coin, who the fuck names their child "Apple?" Maybe if Gwyneth and Chris were Bjork and Matthew Barney (look him up, you prole swine), they could get away with naming their children after fruit. But they're not. They're the lead singer of Coldplay and the headless blonde chick from "Se7en." Boring. The weirdest name they're allowed to give a child is "Susan."

Highbrow Answer: ...A Fruit
Have you ever eaten an apple? Not some bullshit venti soy apple macchiato or Diet Apple Chips from Whole Foods or wherever. I'm talking about an apple. A motherfucking straight-from-the-tree apple. Holy shit, they're good. So crunchy and delicious. God dammit, I could eat like six a day. Although I hear that just one is good enough to keep the doctor away. Which is good, because I hate my doctor. I swear he makes me take my pants off just so he can laugh at my tiny penis.

Let's make some applesauce, girl.

As far as résumés go, it's pretty hard to argue with the fruit that single-handedly brought about the fall of man. Ain't no cantaloupe that can say that shit. To make an analogy, if fruit is the Kardashian family, then the apple would be Meryl Streep.

Best Coldplay Album?

Lowbrow Answer: Viva La Vida
Quick, name one song from this album other than "Viva La Vida." Can't do it, right? Of course you can't. Because every other song on this album blows. And admit it - you only know "Viva la Vida" because it has the same name as the album itself. If you look up "generic" in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of this album, right next to a screen shot from "Two and a Half Men" and a quote from Tyler Perry.

And did you notice how the band wore matching old time marching band outfits for this tour? Hmmm, I feel like I've seen that before. Where was it. Matching old time marching band outfits. Oh, that's right. It was a little group called The Beatles. You may have heard of them. Jesus, Coldplay. If you're going to plagiarize someone's style, at least steal from somebody small and inconsequential, like, I dunno, NOT the most famous rock band ever. In the whole world. Ever.


Middlebrow Answer: A Rush of Blood to the Head
Okay, so "Warning Sign" is a nice song. As are "In My Place" and "Amsterdam." And "The Scientist" is the perfect tune for when you bring a girl back to your place and you're hoping to get laid and you want her to think you're thoughtful and sweet but not that you're gay. I thank you for that one, Chris Martin. And my 9th grade girlfriend Stephanie thanks you. Twice-in-my-basement-and-once-in-my-parents'-shower thanks you.

But still. Most of these songs are pretty dull. And has anyone else noticed that "Clocks" is just "Speed of Sound" sped up? Anybody? I mean, I know that "Clocks" came before "Speed of Sound," but come on. Have the decency not to write an average song that you will later adapt into a different, even more average song, but that is essentially the same as the first average song. Sheesh.


Highbrow Answer: Fuck Coldplay
Yeah, I know they sell tickets. And I know that people listen to them. But the truth is, they blow. Honestly. You've got to trust me on this. I'm your friend. I'd never lie to you. Here's how you can tell. Take a look at the following list and tell me whether I'm describing Coldplay or The Backstreet Boys:

- Highly melodic musical hooks that are catchy the first 5 times you hear them, but make-you-want-to-stab-your-own-ears-with-a-curling-iron the next 500 times after that.
- Lyrics so vaguely poetic they could have come from an 8th grade poetry slam.
- Singers whose vocal emotion is so monotone you aren't sure if they're happy or sad or excited or angry or, literally, anything besides "bored."
- An overproduced live show where each member of the band has a massive projection screen dedicated to showing just his image.
- A loyal fanbase composed primarily of soccer moms and their teenage daughters.

You can't tell, can you? See what I'm talking about?