Best Ethnic Holiday?

Lowbrow Answer: St. Patrick's Day
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you aren't Irish. I know your last name is O'Brien and you have a bunch of freckles and you really like the Boston Celtics, but you aren't Irish. I don't care how many pounds of green eye-liner you're wearing or how many friends you have named "Sully." Cillian Murphy? He's Irish. Robbie Keane? He's Irish. The Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Irish. Dipshit fratboy from suburban Massachusetts wearing a green Red Sox uniform? Not Irish.

Nothing says St. Patty's like a drunk Asian girl

I don't care if your ancestors grew up in Dublin or Cork or O'KennyFlanniganGalway. You aren't your ancestors. Otherwise I'd be a four-foot-two Greek goat farmer with syphilis. Just like my Great Uncle δεδηλωμένη. But I'm not. I've never even owned a goat.

Middlebrow Answer: Cinco de Mayo
At least this holiday is based on something more than just being from somewhere. It commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army defeated the heavily favored French. Ah, the French. You can always count on them to lose a war. Even if it's against a country whose favorite TV shows involve grown men dressing up as toddlers.

"Oh, Jorge! You do such a nice job mowing our lawn! Now get out of here."

Of course, as with most things in this world, Cinco de Mayo has been ruined by white people. For every Mexican-American trying to honor the memory of his or her heroic ancestors, there are five Arizona State sorority girls in Corona bathing suits doing shots of tequila and mispronouncing words like "Quesadilla" and "Empanadas" and "Mexico." Damn you, white people. Damn you and your racial oppression and your imperialism and your golden retrievers.

Highbrow Answer: Civil Rights Day
Look, I love Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as much as the next guy. We'd totally be friends if he were still alive and I weren't so terrified of black people. But he's not the only guy that had a hand in this country's civil rights movement. You may have heard of a dude called Malcolm X. Or this nice lady I know, Rosa Parks. Or any of the other hundreds of similar activists. Like, I get it. Martin Luther King is the Lebron James of civil rights. But the team is still called the Miami Heat, you know what I'm saying?

And at power forward, Chris Bosh!

The last state to have "Civil Rights Day" instead of "Martin Luther Day" was New Hampshire, until it was changed in 1999. New Hampshire is such a conundrum. One day, its legislators introduce a bill that would allow store owners to refuse business to gays, and the next, it's open-minded enough to recognize the entire Civil Rights struggle instead of just one man. Make up your mind, Granite State. Are you a bastion of no-seatbelt-wearing, gun-toting prejudiced hicks, or the last outpost of true progressive, free-thinking, independent libertarians?