Best Part of a Wedding?

Lowbrow Answer: Removing the Garter Belt

Look, I know you're excited about getting married, but do I really need to see you reach your hands in your wife's crotch in front of everyone you know? I feel like I'm on the set of a Jenna Jameson movie. Your 93-year-old Grandma Ethel is watching, for Christ's sake. Keep your mitts out of the cookie jar until the honeymoon.

And I thought the point of marrying a girl was that you don't have to share her with anybody anymore. Why would I pull off her garter belt and then give it to some jackass at the wedding? I have plans for that garter belt. I'm going to wear it around my penis during sex or make my wife eat it or some other weird thing I can think of now that I'm married and she has to do what I say.

Middlebrow Answer: The Toasts

Wedding toasts are tricky business. The good ones will make you cry and laugh and hug people at your table that you've never even met. The bad ones will make you want to stab yourself in the chest with a ballpoint pen. Here are some quick tips to help you avoid making an ass of yourself:

DO: Be honest and speak from your heart.

DON'T: Be too gay, though.

DO: Make fun of the Bride's father.

DON'T: Make fun of the Bride's Autistic dead grandmother.

DO: Talk about the couple's first date.

DON'T: Talk about your traumatic relationship with and subsequent retraining order on Lars, that creepy guy you met at the gym.

Highbrow Answer: The After-After-After Party

You know that little gathering that happens after the reception? The one where all the old people have gone home and it's just the young people drinking and dancing in the hall? Okay, well you know the little party that happens after that gathering? The one where the lame young people have gone to bed and it's just the cool kids hanging out in some dive bar in town? Okay, well you know the super small chillout session that happens after that? The one where it's just you and a bridesmaid in a hotel room watching cable and making out? THAT party is fucking awesome.

Weddings are great because everybody you meet has been pre-approved by the bride or the groom. There are no rejects in the crowd like at every other bar/restaurant/party/club/bullfight that you go to. Meet a cute girl? Go for it. She's the bride's best friend - there's no way she has AIDS or Herpes or an axe-murdering Slavic ex-boyfriend. So take her to your own little after-after-after party and walk down her aisle.

Best Form of Marriage?

Lowbrow Answer: Polygamy
There are two kinds of men who actually believe in polygamy: Mormons and douchebags. And I'm not really a fan of either. The Mormons think they should have 80 wives because Jesus told them it was a good idea (crazy...) and the douchebags think they should have 80 wives because their raw sexuality it just too potent to be contained in only one vagina (douchey...). Either way, I think most of these men deserve a bazooka circumcision.

Polygamy is too easy. It robs you of all the depression and despair that comes with having one partner your whole life. Who wants that? All of the greatest art was created in the throws of depression or despair. If you have 80 different pairs of boobs to play with, how are you expected to create anything highbrow or intellectual?


Middlebrow Answer: Monogamy
On one hand, a monogamous relationship can be an amazing, fulfilling union. You form an unbreakable bond with your lover. You know their thoughts before they do. You go everywhere together, do everything together, you experience life as one unit.

On the other hand, booooooooring. People are lame, selfish, annoying creatures. Why would you want to live with one on a permanent basis? Or marry one? Or have kids with one?! Ugh. Stab me in the heart with a rotting pickle before that happens. (Mmmmm...pickles)


Highbrow Answer: Polyandry
Polyandry is when one woman has several husbands. Hot. Shit. Polyandry was made famous by this little group of Greeks - you may have heard of them - they're called THE SPARTANS. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mess the Spartans. They'll send 300 of their best soldiers to your front door to kill all of your battle elephants and war rhinos.

Polyandry is great because it completely eliminates the male ego. Fuck the male ego. It's the reason we have nuclear war, rape, genocide, and the Transformer movies. Just imagine if women ran the world. Everything would be cleaner, we'd have fresh brownies every morning, and we wouldn't be spending all our money on our military when our schools are falling apart.