Lowbrow Answer: Removing the Garter BeltLook, I know you're excited about getting married, but do I really need to see you reach your hands in your wife's crotch in front of everyone you know? I feel like I'm on the set of a Jenna Jameson movie. Your 93-year-old Grandma Ethel is watching, for Christ's sake. Keep your mitts out of the cookie jar until the honeymoon.
And I thought the point of marrying a girl was that you don't have to share her with anybody anymore. Why would I pull off her garter belt and then give it to some jackass at the wedding? I have plans for that garter belt. I'm going to wear it around my penis during sex or make my wife eat it or some other weird thing I can think of now that I'm married and she has to do what I say.
Middlebrow Answer: The Toasts Wedding toasts are tricky business. The good ones will make you cry and laugh and hug people at your table that you've never even met. The bad ones will make you want to stab yourself in the chest with a ballpoint pen. Here are some quick tips to help you avoid making an ass of yourself:
DO: Be honest and speak from your heart.
DON'T: Be too gay, though.
DO: Make fun of the Bride's father.
DON'T: Make fun of the Bride's Autistic dead grandmother.
DO: Talk about the couple's first date.
DON'T: Talk about your traumatic relationship with and subsequent retraining order on Lars, that creepy guy you met at the gym.
You know that little gathering that happens after the reception? The one where all the old people have gone home and it's just the young people drinking and dancing in the hall? Okay, well you know the little party that happens after that gathering? The one where the lame young people have gone to bed and it's just the cool kids hanging out in some dive bar in town? Okay, well you know the super small chillout session that happens after that? The one where it's just you and a bridesmaid in a hotel room watching cable and making out? THAT party is fucking awesome.
Weddings are great because everybody you meet has been pre-approved by the bride or the groom. There are no rejects in the crowd like at every other bar/restaurant/party/club/bullfight that you go to. Meet a cute girl? Go for it. She's the bride's best friend - there's no way she has AIDS or Herpes or an axe-murdering Slavic ex-boyfriend. So take her to your own little after-after-after party and walk down her aisle.
Does that mean I can never give a good toast?
ReplyDeleteOf course not, Colin. You're never too gay. You're always the exact right amount. That's why we all like you so much. :-)
ReplyDelete