Best Denomination of U.S. Currency?

Lowbrow Answer: The One Dollar Bill

I think the last time that anyone used one of these in an actual legal transaction was back in 1859 when James K. Polk bought the Oregon Territory from the Indians for like $3.89 or whatever. Since then, the dollar bill has become nothing more than a straw for snorting Cocaine or something to shove into the butthole of the stripper whose ass is in your face. Either way - decidedly lowbrow.

And can't we do any better than George Washington? I know he's the founder of the country and all that, but what a wuss. "I cannot tell a lie?" Why the fuck not? You're a politician, George. Sack up. The last thing that Americans want is a president who's honest all the time. We prefer gun-toting, bible-humping hicks from Texas who know how to jerk us around good and proper, thank you very much.

Middlebrow Answer: The $50 bill

Ulysses S. Grant is a badass. Any man who sees Robert E. Lee on the other side of a war and thinks, "Fuck that guy. Let's do this." is pretty hip in my book. He is also responsible for the 15th Amendment, which let freedmen vote. Any man who sees a bunch of KKK members and racists on the other side of congress and thinks, "Fuck those guys. Let's do this." is pretty hip in my book.

That being said, what the hell do you use a $50 bill for? It's too big to buy fish sandwiches at McDonald's with but too small to use to rent a Clydesdale horse for the weekend. It basically just sits in your wallet, taking up space and getting germs on that one condom that's been in there since 1997.

Highbrow Answer: The $10,000 bill

Bet you didn't see this one coming. The $10,000 bill was minted in 1945 and, even though it was discontinued in 1969, remains legal tender to this day. Bad ass. I'd love to walk into a Toyota dealership with three of these: "Yeah, I'll take the red Prius. No, thanks, I'll be paying with cash." They need to start printing these again; I could mug somebody at knifepoint and end up with the down payment for a Condo in Miami.

The guy on the $10,000 bill is Salmon P. Chase. Who's he? Oh, no big deal, he was just Treasury Secretary under Abraham Lincoln. He helped write this little document - you may have heard of it - The Motherfucking Emancipation Proclamation. I love historical dudes. They're always so much more impressive than we present-day folk. This guy helped free the slaves - my biggest claim to fame is that I won 3rd place in the 1991 North Andover Arbor Day Sack Race.