Best of the Original Pokemon?

Lowbrow Answer: Pikachu
Admit it. You only like Pikachu because you can't come up with the name of any other Pokemon. You uneducated swine. This is a serious piece of Japanese culture and you just ignore it like it's a Jury Duty letter or a positive test result for HPV. Well. I have news for you. Pikachu sucks balls. Who wants a pet that electrocutes you when you touch it? What the hell sense does that make? It's like renting a stripper who infects you with the Bubonic Plague if she takes her clothing off. Just makes no sense.

And can somebody put a gag into this thing's mouth? Jesus. All day with the "Pika! Pika!" Hey Pikachu. Blow me! Blow me! How about you stop running around in the forest and get yourself into a classroom. Maybe learn Portugese or Farsi or one of those other South American languages. Then maybe I'd understand what the hell you're trying to say.


Middlebrow Answer: Squirtle
This little guy is a menace. He bows to no man. Fuck you and your rules - he's going drinking. Squirtle is a water-based Pokemon who eventually evolves into Blastoise. (See him here.) I'm sorry, is that artillery in your turtle shell? Do you literally grow mortars out of your shoulders? Jesus, that's awesome. The only thing that I grow out of my shoulders are pimples and that weird rash I got in Slovakia last year.

I will say, however, that "Squirtle" is a bullshit name. It's not badass AT. ALL. It sounds like:
- A sexual maneuver involving three or more bodily fluids.
- Some kind of detergent-based liquid ecstasy.
- The annoying, wets-himself sidekick in a Nickelodeon cartoon.
- An Eddie Murphy movie.


Highbrow Answer: Wigglytuff
Look at that shit. It's the bastard offspring of a rabbit and a Bean Bag Chair. On Acid. I want one. I want three. I want as many as it takes to build a pink army of fluffy, adorable destruction. That's how they get you. You look down and think, "Awwww..." right as the thing leaps onto your face and chews through your neck. Awesome.

Pokemon scientists (Umm, what? How do I sign up to be one of THOSE?) think that the thin layer of permanent tears around Wigglytuff's eyes are to prevent moondust from blurring its vision. I'm sorry, "permanent tears?" That's the most highbrow thing I've ever heard. It sounds like the name of symphony by Penderecki or a ladies' underwear line designed by Bjork. Either way, I'm sold.