Best Figure in Diego Velázquez's "Las Meninas?"

Check out the full painting here.

Lowbrow Answer: The Little Blonde Chick
You smug little brat. I see you giving me the Stink Eye. I don't care how wealthy your parents are - I'll wipe that smile off your face with a Brillo pad. And you're like five years old; you should be playing with dolls and kissing boys behind the jungle gym, not getting your nails done for a state dinner by some Flemish wet nurse named Helga.

And what the fuck are you wearing? You look like you're about to go play bass for The Arcade Fire. I could set a whole picnic up on the top of your skirt. Do yourself a favor and get into something a little tighter - you'll never marry a marginally handsome inbred English prince in that getup.


Middlebrow Answer: The Dog
Normally, I'm pretty anti-dog. They poop everywhere, they drool everywhere, and they smell like the inside of an NHL locker room. But check this guy out. What a legend. He's actually sneering. I like to think that somebody just offered him tickets to an Edward Albee play and he refused: "Albee? Are you fucking serious? What do I look like, some jackass English major from a small liberal arts school? It's Beckett or nothing, thank you very much."

This dog also looks like he's wearing black warpaint on his face. Bad. Fucking. Ass. I can think of only a few other things that are as awesome as a dog wearing warpaint:

- A flying Panzer Tank
- Powdered Donut-flavored gum
- A Polar Bear in a bowler hat smoking a cigar
- Brad Pitt from "Fight Club" beating the shit out of Brad Pitt from "Meet Joe Black"


Highbrow Answer: The Crazy Dwarf Lady
This chick smiles for no man. You want her to look pretty for your painting? Fuck you and fuck painting. She has important dwarf stuff to do, like sing about the Yellow Brick Road or drown in a lake.

Dwarfs are epic. In Norse mythology, they're the metal workers of the Gods, which means if Lord Odin ever needs a new sword or a trowel or chrome rims for his Cadillac - he calls in the Dwarf squad. The most famous Dwarf is probably Alberich, a central character from Wagner's 28-hour opera "Die Ring des Niebelungen." In the story, he forges a ring that brings about the death of all of the Norse gods. Not too shabby for a guy who wouldn't even be allowed to ride on Space Mountain.