You Have Three Kids. You Should...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Give them all names that start with the same letter.
The parents who typically pull this kind of shit are either super-wealthy white people or super-poor minorities. Either way, go fuck yourself. You have three beautiful daughters. You can't come up with more interesting names than Kelly, Kimberly, and Kelsey? Are you literally trying to make me hate you? If you are, it's working. Even if you aren't; it's still working.

I'm waiting for the day when people just quit trying and name all their kids "Dana." Male, female. It won't matter. We already spend all our time shopping at Wal-Mart and eating at McDonald's and watching "Transformers." We may as well go full-bore and just all have the same identities. At least you'd never forget somebody's name again.


Middlebrow Answer: ...Love them all equally and raise them well.
I hate kids in the first place, but if you're going to ruin my day by having one, at least be a good parent. Teach the thing to read and write and worship Adorno. Teach it to enjoy foreign arthouse poetry and listen to Chopin and sneer at Steven Spielberg movies. Teach it to be nice to everyone, except racists, homophobes, bigots, and lacrosse players. Fuck those people. They can swallow a rattlesnake.

On the other hand, there are few things worse than happy families. With their golden retrievers and white picket fences and Ford minivans and Saturdays at the park and Sundays at Episcopal church and smiling Christmas card photos from top of Mount Belmont. What is this, The Family Circus? Life is shit. Your son will get AIDS and your daughter will get hit by a comet. And The Family Circus blows. Worst comic ever.


Highbrow Answer: ...Kill two of them.
The world is overpopulated. There are like 147 billion people living in China. We're running out of space. We're running out of food and water. The last thing we need is idiots like you pumping out kid after kid after kid like your vagina is some kind of Pez dispenser. I don't care if you're Catholic. Or Evangelical. Or any other dumb religion that demands you have kids so that they can join the Pope's army or whatever. Use a condom. They're cheap, they're accessible, and the ones we have today are much better than the sheep's bladder you would have had to use back in the day.

I don't understand why some people are so intent on having 25 children. Doesn't it get old? Aren't you totally bored after the first two? Aren't you sick of potty training and diapers and whining and soccer practices and singing lessons and birthday parties and visits to the hospital and crying? No? You aren't? Man, your life is pathetic. Like, Eddie Murphy's post-1995 acting career pathetic.

Best Autobot?

Lowbrow Answer: Optimus Prime
I hate leaders. And is anybody else really sick of kiss-ass, suck-up action heros? You know, those guys in movies who try to do good for literally no reason. And you ask them why they're good guys and they don't know.

Me: "Optimus, why are you fighting to save the human race?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Right, but why must you?"
Optimus: "It is my destiny."
Me: "Says who?"
Optimus: "Says... Ummm... Says everybody."
Me: "You're a giant talking robot who can fly through space. Your technology, culture, and intelligence levels are all way higher than mankind's. Why the hell are you trying to help us?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Hey, can I borrow your cannon-arm? I want to shoot you in the balls."


Middlebrow Answer: Inferno
Inferno is a fire truck. Like, a big red fire truck. Awesome. Fire trucks are incredible. They're one of the few things from being 12 years old that's still cool when I'm 26. Also on that list are snap bracelets, REM, the X-Men, and masturbating.

Of course, he's classified as a "search and rescue" bot. Fuck that. Who wants to go around cleaning up everyone else's messes? Your sole purpose is to rescue Bumblebee when that little yellow moron loses a wing or something. I hate bumblebee. They should have traded him to the Decepticons for a third round draft pick and two players to be named later.


Highbrow Answer: Mirage
I love this shit. Every other Autobot is some shitty Japanese car or Ford tow-truck, and Mirage is a Ligier JS11 Indy Car. Mirage is that guy in your high school who is bragging about having a threesome with two slutty gas station attendants while you're busy using a #2 pencil to try and erase the clothing on the models in the Sears newspaper ads. He's just way ahead.

Indy Cars are badass. Fuck this redneck NASCAR shit. Real men drive Indy Cars. There are no roll-cages, you're going almost 70 mph faster, and your head is sticking out in the air as you go. Dudes who drive Indy Cars are the same dudes who own Hyenas as pets, shave their faces with a Colombian machete, and fuck Paris Hilton WITHOUT a condom; they ain't scared of shit.

Best Movie about Robots?

Lowbrow Answer: Transformers
I can't even tell who is fighting who in most of these battle scenes. It's just a big mess of machinery and yelling and explosions. I feel like Michael Bay's answer for any problems during shooting must have been "just blow something up:"

Producer: Michael, there's a huge plot hole on page 45.
Michael: Let's drop a Ferrari onto the Eiffel Tower. That should clear things up.
Producer: ...Okay. And what about the final love scene?
Michael: Have a locomotive crash through an entire squadron of Marine tanks.
Producer: But there are no trains in the script.
Michael: In that case, let's ram a space shuttle into The Lincoln Memorial.
Producer: ...What?


Middlebrow Answer: A.I.
You and every critic in America may hate this movie, but anything that Stanley Kubrick had a hand in creating automatically rises above lowbrow. This film isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. It's got cyborg gigolos, aliens, fake children, weird talking teddy bears, Ben Kingsley's voice, and all kinds of neon lights. Sounds like one of the sex dreams I've been having lately.

Of course, it does have its problems. It's way too long, the ending is crazy, and I keep expecting Haley Joel Osment to start pointing out dead people. I also don't quite understand the sudden appearance of aliens in the end. It makes about as much sense as a two-legged dog with the head of Martin Van Buren. See what I'm talking about?


Highbrow Answer: Bladerunner
Oh, Ridley Scott. You were so awesome before you got senile and started making movies like "Body of Lies" and "A Good Year." Bladerunner is totally money. It's basically Harrison Ford wandering through shadowy, rainy backdrops contemplating the difference between human and artificial life. Harrison Ford makes anything awesome. They could film him cooking a pot roast for 2 hours and I'd watch.

The movie ends with the famous "Tears in Rain" monologue, which is basically pornography for the highbrow elite. It's raining, it's dark, and a cyborg is speaking his last words before his systems shut down and he is dead forever. BONER. I think maybe only Adorno and Marx tag-teaming Hannah Arendt would give me more of an erection.