Best Autobot?

Lowbrow Answer: Optimus Prime
I hate leaders. And is anybody else really sick of kiss-ass, suck-up action heros? You know, those guys in movies who try to do good for literally no reason. And you ask them why they're good guys and they don't know.

Me: "Optimus, why are you fighting to save the human race?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Right, but why must you?"
Optimus: "It is my destiny."
Me: "Says who?"
Optimus: "Says... Ummm... Says everybody."
Me: "You're a giant talking robot who can fly through space. Your technology, culture, and intelligence levels are all way higher than mankind's. Why the hell are you trying to help us?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Hey, can I borrow your cannon-arm? I want to shoot you in the balls."


Middlebrow Answer: Inferno
Inferno is a fire truck. Like, a big red fire truck. Awesome. Fire trucks are incredible. They're one of the few things from being 12 years old that's still cool when I'm 26. Also on that list are snap bracelets, REM, the X-Men, and masturbating.

Of course, he's classified as a "search and rescue" bot. Fuck that. Who wants to go around cleaning up everyone else's messes? Your sole purpose is to rescue Bumblebee when that little yellow moron loses a wing or something. I hate bumblebee. They should have traded him to the Decepticons for a third round draft pick and two players to be named later.


Highbrow Answer: Mirage
I love this shit. Every other Autobot is some shitty Japanese car or Ford tow-truck, and Mirage is a Ligier JS11 Indy Car. Mirage is that guy in your high school who is bragging about having a threesome with two slutty gas station attendants while you're busy using a #2 pencil to try and erase the clothing on the models in the Sears newspaper ads. He's just way ahead.

Indy Cars are badass. Fuck this redneck NASCAR shit. Real men drive Indy Cars. There are no roll-cages, you're going almost 70 mph faster, and your head is sticking out in the air as you go. Dudes who drive Indy Cars are the same dudes who own Hyenas as pets, shave their faces with a Colombian machete, and fuck Paris Hilton WITHOUT a condom; they ain't scared of shit.