Best Kind of Masturbation?

Lowbrow Answer: The Porn Wank
Look at you, hunched over your computer like some kind of cave troll. With your pants around your ankles and your door locked and your speakers turned down low so that your roommates don't hear Jenna Jameson crying out for more cock. You filthy bitch. Have some decency, man.

The hazard here is that you end up blasting your Chunky Homestyle Man-Chowder all over the keyboard of your computer. I can just see you at the Apple Store: "Hi, I sprayed some orgasm juice all over my keyboard and I need it fixed. Is there an app for that?"


Middlebrow Answer: The Tantric Wank
In this era of instant gratification, I'm impressed with anybody who can focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. This is the generation that thinks that commercials are too long. Idiot teenagers expect a break every five minutes so that they can text their friends. If you can sit in one place and wax your dolphin for four hours, more power to you.

Who has the time for this shit though? I don't spend this much effort having sex with an ACTUAL woman. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I don't have a free 2-hour window every night to jerk myself off. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I can pay somebody else to do that for me.


Highbrow Answer: The Utility Wank
Sex in the first place is lowbrow. If it were up to me, 99% of the global population wouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. If it were up to me, only the following people would be allowed to make babies, and only with each other:

- Slavoj Zizek
- Michael Frayn
- Phillip Glass
- Bjork
- Jonsi Birgisson
- Richard Dawkins
- Indira Ghandi

If you don't recognize those names, that's because you're prole filth who doesn't get to have babies. As far as wanking is concerned, if you're gonna do it, get in and get out. It's no supposed to be enjoyable; you're just clearing your head. Do you have fun taking the trash out or doing the dishes? No. So why enjoy this.