Best Way to Ask a Woman for Sex?

Lowbrow Answer: "Do you want to come over and watch a movie?"
Really? You meet a pretty girl in a bar and this is the line you use? You sound like an undergraduate econ major at some bourgeoisie New England college for kids who didn't get into Harvard. You know, like Trinity or Amherst. Gross. The only women you're going to get with this line will be polo shirt-wearing, sailing-in-the-summer-skiing-in-the-winter, daddy's little girl sorority sisters who will be booooooring in bed anyway. I'd rather watch paint dry.

Let's say you do actually get a girl to come home with you. Then what? You gonna actually sit down and watch a movie? Which one? How about The Goonies? You're already acting like an infant, you may as well go all the way. Besides, nothing gets a lady more in the mood than watching Sloth and Chunk make fun of that kid who played the fat hobbit in Lord of the Rings.


Middlebrow Answer: "You look tired. You want a massage?"
There's something a little smarmy about inviting a woman to take her clothes off to let you rub her, and acting like you're doing her a favor. Like she owes you something after you cover her in scented oil and rub her jubblies. Come on. You don't see armed robbers wandering into a Wells Fargo and volunteering to take some cash out of the vault so that the bank saves storage space.

I will say this: giving massages sucks. It hurts my hands, it takes forever, and all the woman does is lie there like a dead salmon, moaning about how hard her day was. I'm happy to do it, of course; I'm just sayin'. Ladies, just be sure to reward your man after he gives you a massage with something like a blowjob or football tickets or a blowjob.


Highbrow Answer: "Do you want to have sex?"
Here's a piece of advice for all you horny men out there: woman aren't idiots. They may be emotional and they may be irrationally excited about "Sex and the City," but they're not stupid. So why not man up and just say what you're thinking? They may reject your offer, but at least they'll respect your forwardness. What do you have to lose except your pride and your ego and your self-respect? Who the hell needs those things anyway?

The other point to remember is that any girl you meet is just as horny as you are; she's just better at hiding it. Women are like French pastries; soft and dainty on the outside, dark and naughty on the inside. You meet a cute girl and want to have sex with her? Cut the bullshit and tell her. She'll probably get turned on by your directness. Trust me, later, when she's ramming a nine iron up your ass and riding you like a schizophrenic jockey, you'll be happy you didn't wuss out and ask her to come over and watch a movie.

Best Kind of Masturbation?

Lowbrow Answer: The Porn Wank
Look at you, hunched over your computer like some kind of cave troll. With your pants around your ankles and your door locked and your speakers turned down low so that your roommates don't hear Jenna Jameson crying out for more cock. You filthy bitch. Have some decency, man.

The hazard here is that you end up blasting your Chunky Homestyle Man-Chowder all over the keyboard of your computer. I can just see you at the Apple Store: "Hi, I sprayed some orgasm juice all over my keyboard and I need it fixed. Is there an app for that?"


Middlebrow Answer: The Tantric Wank
In this era of instant gratification, I'm impressed with anybody who can focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. This is the generation that thinks that commercials are too long. Idiot teenagers expect a break every five minutes so that they can text their friends. If you can sit in one place and wax your dolphin for four hours, more power to you.

Who has the time for this shit though? I don't spend this much effort having sex with an ACTUAL woman. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I don't have a free 2-hour window every night to jerk myself off. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I can pay somebody else to do that for me.


Highbrow Answer: The Utility Wank
Sex in the first place is lowbrow. If it were up to me, 99% of the global population wouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. If it were up to me, only the following people would be allowed to make babies, and only with each other:

- Slavoj Zizek
- Michael Frayn
- Phillip Glass
- Bjork
- Jonsi Birgisson
- Richard Dawkins
- Indira Ghandi

If you don't recognize those names, that's because you're prole filth who doesn't get to have babies. As far as wanking is concerned, if you're gonna do it, get in and get out. It's no supposed to be enjoyable; you're just clearing your head. Do you have fun taking the trash out or doing the dishes? No. So why enjoy this.

Best Female Sex Toy?

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Best Sexual Position?

Lowbrow Answer: Doggystyle
Hey dickhead, she's a woman, not a beagle. At least have the common courtesy to look her in the face while you're ramming your undersized man-rocket into her cave of wonders. And stop slapping her ass like you're testing out pork at a Georgia meat market. You aren't a butcher, you're an unemployed twenty-something with body odor and a bad haircut.

I personally make it a rule for myself never to do anything that more than 25% of rappers endorse. That's why I don't have gold teeth, don't drive a lowrider, don't fuck doggystyle, don't pass the courvoisier, and never put my hands in the air like I just don't care. I do care. And courvoisier tastes like paint thinner.


Middlebrow Answer: Missionary Position
Don't underestimate the classics. They're classics for a reason. Nice face-to-face contact, good angle for G-spot tickling, and a solid opportunity for some hair-pulling and back-scratching; those priests knew what they were doing back in the day.

Of course, this position is named after religion, and you know how those of us in the highbrow elite feel about religion. What are missionaries doing having sex anyway? I thought that was part of the vow of chastity. Does this mean there's some inconsistency in religion? No! Next thing you'll tell me is professional wrestling isn't real.


Highbrow Answer: Girl on Top
Now here's the money button. Just lay back, relax, and let your partner piledrive your gigglestick. Any highbrow man knows that subverting the societal norm of male dominance is always the right choice. Just look at Hannah Arendt or Marie Curie. On a side note, I bet Marie Curie would rock my fucking world. I can just picture her tying me to a bed and doing strange things to my peen-monster with uranium.

Remember, without putting a woman in charge, we would never have gotten signal flares, white-out, chocolate chip cookies, or push-up bras. And I'm sorry, but I just can't live without those last two.

Best Time for Sex?

Lowbrow Answer: Night
Boooooring. You cant' see shit, you're exhausted from the menial job you work, and everyone else in your tiny apartment is quietly sleeping. Having sex at night is like asking Picasso to paint your house; sure, he could do it, but your wasting his potential.

The real issue here is that nighttime sex generally means that the bonesawing is happening in a bed, which is the most boring possible place for it. Come on, you're young and foolish, what are you doing? Go out into the world! Defile a theatre or a Suburu or the playground of a daycare center. Live, man!


Middlebrow Answer: Morning
There are few things better than waking up with some of your manbits in somebody else's mouth, if you understand me. It's like nature's alarm clock. You've probably also got some raging morning wood going here, so there's none of the usual foreplay shenanigans. Just get right to it!

The problem with this one is that the day is waiting for you. As much fun as you're having dressing your girlfriend up like a 14th century Prussian Nun and having her talk dirty to you about the impending Flemish invasion, you both know in the back of your minds that you're only 40 minutes away from being in an office for twelve hours. Buzzkill.

Highbrow Answer: Afternoon
Jackpot. You're awake, you're energized, and you've got all the time in the world to dress up like Mork and Mindy and chase each other around the house. Spice it up by ordering a pizza and answering the door naked.

The best part about the afternoon is that most other people are doing normal things like laundry or taxes while you have you're balls deep in a loved one. Afternoon sex gives you the wonderful opportunity to answer a phone call from your mom while your girlfriend is sitting on your face.