Best Way to Ask a Woman for Sex?

Lowbrow Answer: "Do you want to come over and watch a movie?"
Really? You meet a pretty girl in a bar and this is the line you use? You sound like an undergraduate econ major at some bourgeoisie New England college for kids who didn't get into Harvard. You know, like Trinity or Amherst. Gross. The only women you're going to get with this line will be polo shirt-wearing, sailing-in-the-summer-skiing-in-the-winter, daddy's little girl sorority sisters who will be booooooring in bed anyway. I'd rather watch paint dry.

Let's say you do actually get a girl to come home with you. Then what? You gonna actually sit down and watch a movie? Which one? How about The Goonies? You're already acting like an infant, you may as well go all the way. Besides, nothing gets a lady more in the mood than watching Sloth and Chunk make fun of that kid who played the fat hobbit in Lord of the Rings.


Middlebrow Answer: "You look tired. You want a massage?"
There's something a little smarmy about inviting a woman to take her clothes off to let you rub her, and acting like you're doing her a favor. Like she owes you something after you cover her in scented oil and rub her jubblies. Come on. You don't see armed robbers wandering into a Wells Fargo and volunteering to take some cash out of the vault so that the bank saves storage space.

I will say this: giving massages sucks. It hurts my hands, it takes forever, and all the woman does is lie there like a dead salmon, moaning about how hard her day was. I'm happy to do it, of course; I'm just sayin'. Ladies, just be sure to reward your man after he gives you a massage with something like a blowjob or football tickets or a blowjob.


Highbrow Answer: "Do you want to have sex?"
Here's a piece of advice for all you horny men out there: woman aren't idiots. They may be emotional and they may be irrationally excited about "Sex and the City," but they're not stupid. So why not man up and just say what you're thinking? They may reject your offer, but at least they'll respect your forwardness. What do you have to lose except your pride and your ego and your self-respect? Who the hell needs those things anyway?

The other point to remember is that any girl you meet is just as horny as you are; she's just better at hiding it. Women are like French pastries; soft and dainty on the outside, dark and naughty on the inside. You meet a cute girl and want to have sex with her? Cut the bullshit and tell her. She'll probably get turned on by your directness. Trust me, later, when she's ramming a nine iron up your ass and riding you like a schizophrenic jockey, you'll be happy you didn't wuss out and ask her to come over and watch a movie.