Best Outdated Science?

Lowbrow Answer: Eugenics
You know your "science" is in trouble when I can disprove the whole field in one short blog entry. Let's look at some of the primary tenants of Eugenics, shall we? Come on along with me.

1. Black or brown people are quantitatively dumber than white people.
Oh, yeah. Because Frederick Douglass, Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela are fucking idiots.

2. Black or brown people are physically inferior to white people.
Can you say, "Jesse Owens?"

3. People with physical deformities are lesser human beings than those that are able-bodied.
I guess you're right on that one. I mean, what did retards like Stephen Hawking, FDR, or Itzahk Perlman ever do for me?

Eugenics can blow me. Human diversity is rad. Nazis suck. And REM is the best band ever. (Okay, that last one doesn't really go, but it's still true.)


Middlebrow Answer: Alchemy
Alchemy is an ancient art that attempts to change base metals into gold. Literally, it's using chemistry to make money. And by "make money," I don't mean like how a chemist today would go into his soul-sucking corporate douche job at Pfizer and spend all day creating boner medicine makes money. I mean like taking a wad of raw Aluminum or copper or whatever and using rad chemicals like Borax to literally turn it into money. Awesome.

(Speaking of Borax, how great a name would that be for a Scandinavian Metal Band? Right?)

There is one problem with Alchemy; it doesn't work. Like, at all. So when you say you're an "Alchemist," what you're really saying is, "I'm a failure." It's the same as introducing yourself as a Cold-Fusion physicist or a member of the 1980 USSR Olympic hockey team or Lindsay Lohan. Nobody wants to be those things. Especially that last one.


Highbrow Answer: Kremlinology
No, really, this is a serious thing. I didn't make it up. It's the study of Soviet politics in an effort to understand the inner workings of an opaque central government. If you don't have a highbrow boner from that definition alone, stop reading this blog. No, I mean it. Stop reading. Why don't you go see what's happening in the Charlie Sheen case over on TMZ.com or wherever it is that you get your horrid prole news. Go ahead. I'll wait.

What's great about Kremlinology is that all of its leading scholars are obscure philosophers from the 1940's and 50's. Badasses like Zbigniew Brzezinski, Llewellyn Thompson, and Hélène Carrère d'Encausse. I think I'm going to buy a litter of puppies and name them all after famous Kremlinologists. It'll be a great way to meet women at the dog parks.

Me: "Hey, I like your dogs. What are their names?"
Hot Brunette: "Rover and Milo. How about yours?"
Me: "The little one is Llewellyn and the dalmatian is Zbigniew."