Best Indians?

Lowbrow Answer: Indians from Cleveland
God, I hate baseball. Let's sit around for three-and-a-half hours and watch overweight rednecks spit chewing tobacco at each other. Awesome. Sign me up. And as if the game weren't already bad enough, the Cleveland Indians suck at it. They haven't won the World Series since 1948. I know that everyone loves "Major League," but come on; your franchise's claim to fame is a Charlie Sheen movie? Since when was that something to brag about?

And let me get this straight. You're choosing a mascot and you go with "Chief Wahoo?" Really? I would love to have been in the room when that decision was made.

Executive 1: How about a cartoon Indian Chief who looks like a meth-addicted pedophile?
Executive 2: I like it.
Executive 3: I love it.
Jeff: Are you on crack?


Middlebrow Answer: Indians from India
If you're from India, chances are you're Hindu. Which means you pray to epically awesome deities like Ganesha and Shiva and that one that looks like a drunken chimpanzee. If I have the choice between worshiping an angry, thirteen-armed Elephant man or a boring, lives-with-his-parents carpenter from Bethlehem, I think you know which way I'm going to go. Here's a hint: it's the angry, thirteen-armed Elephant man.

Although, to be fair, India needs to get its fucking act together. They've got way too many people, way too much flooding, and way too much not enough food. How about we put down those cricket bats and start problem-solving, eh India? Oh, and I'm sorry, but there's no way that cows are sacred. God is laughing at you, I promise. Now Platypuses - that's another story. Those things are awesome.


Highbrow Answer: Indians from North America
Good lord, it must be rad to be an Indian. Have you ever seen "Last of the Mohicans?" Killing deer with a bow-and-arrow from 400 yards away, tracking people through the woods using only footprints and the smell of local flora, shouting, "Stay alive - I will find you" to hot white chicks. The closest I ever get to being an Indian is when I shop for moccasins at LL Bean.

You'll find no group of people with more broken dreams than the Native Americans. Intentional smallpox infections, genetic alcoholism, the Trail of Tears, falsified treaties, and the Washington Redskins are all part of America's giant "Fuck Off" to Native Indians. Maybe someday they'll fight back and scalp half of congress in a massive horse-ridden attack on Washington DC. It'd be okay with me as long as Orrin Hatch was in the half they got.