Best Way to Avoid a Speeding Ticket?

Lowbrow Answer: Don't Speed
Booooooring. What, you want me to actually drive 35 mph? Are you kidding? I'm, like, a huge deal. I have places to be. People to let fawn over me. I can't be driving no speed limit. The speed limit is for grannies and nerds and people who watch "CSI: Miami." Fuck you, David Caruso. You can kiss my 55 mph ass.

I'm not into laws, anyway. They take all the fun out of life. I can't smoke inside, I can't skateboard in the Louvre, I can't stab my obnoxious neighbor with a 15th century Japanese broadsword, I can't marry my 18-year-old Jamaican pool boy in Texas. If I followed all the laws of this world, my life would be nothing more than a dull series of meals and masturbation until I died.


Middlebrow Answer: Buy a Radar Detector
There is something pretty James Bond about a radar detector. It seems like one of those impossible gadgets that only exist in action movies. Like guns that shoot around corners or that giant battering ram that looks like a wolf from Lord of the Rings. Imagine if James Bond had one of those. Man, he'd be unstoppable: "Ms. Moneypenny. Load that giant Wolf's Head battering ram thing into the back of my Aston Martin. I have a debt to settle with Goldfinger."

Although, have you ever noticed how everyone that has one of these is a douchebag? You never see some nice homemaker with a radar detector. It's always some asshole in a 1989 Thunderbird with bumper stickers on the back that say, "Make mine veal" and "No means yes, and yes means harder." Fuck those dudes. If only there were some sort of plague that was transmitted through Ed Hardy clothing. Then we'd be rid of them for good.


Highbrow Answer: Murder the Police Officer
This is going to be awesome, I promise. When the cop comes over to your window and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" You just turn to him, squint your eyes, and say, "Not as fast as the bullets from this Gatling Gun." He'll then say, "What Gatling Gun?" That's when you pull out your Gatling Gun and spray him in the face with it. You'll be a legend forever. Not even Bruce Willis is that cold. Score!

Murder is pretty awesome. It has all the ingredients of highbrow soup: violence, emotional distress, ruined families, and heartless brutality. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Let me just tell you that you're wrong. Murder isn't sad and terrible. VH1's television programming is sad and terrible. Paris Hilton's vagina is sad and terrible. Murder is ruthless and cruel. Hmmm, what else is ruthless and cruel? Oh, that's right. LIFE ITSELF.