Best American Tall Tale?

Lowbrow Answer: Johnny Appleseed
Little known fact - Johnny Appleseed worked as a missionary for the Swedenborgian Church. No, really. The charity apple trees were just a conversation tactic: "My apples are crunchy and delicious, just like Jesus Christ." The Swedenborgian Church is an oddball offshoot of Christianity headed by a lunatic named Emanuel Swedenborg. You may know him by his nickname, "Sir TalksToGod McCrazyPants."

I'm sorry, but wandering around the country wearing a frying pan on your head and planting apple trees don't make you a folk hero - it makes you an irrational hobo. And why apples? Couldn't you give away something useful, like five-dollar bills or loaves of bread or iPhones? I can almost hear the excited shouts of poor villagers everywhere: "Hooray! Here comes Johnny Mac-Book-Pro!"


Middlebrow Answer: John Henry
Workers build railroads. Steam engine arrives, takes workers' jobs. Biggest, blackest dude ever challenges steam engine to race. Big black dude shits on steam engine's face. Big black dude dies. This story has everything: subtle dialectic on capitalist labor issues, commentary on post-modern race relations in a technological world, and a huge black dude kicking some ass with a sledge hammer. Yes please.

Although, if you're John Henry, what the hell are you doing working on the railroad? You beat a steam engine in a tunneling race, for Christ's sake. Imagine what you could do in the NFL. Or as a Designed Hitter in Major League Baseball: "Now batting for the Boston Red Sox, with 247 home-runs this season and an average of .787, John Henry." Then you could make some money and buy yourself some actual pants to replace those vagrant overalls.


Highbrow Answer: Old Stormalong
Alfred Bulltop Stormalong was a 30-foot-tall sailor from Boston who captained a massive ship called "The Courser." The vessel was so big that a stable of Arabian horses was kept aboard for his crew to get from one end of the deck to the other. Riding an Arabian horse while on a boat is the awesomest thing I've ever heard. Imagine if you were having sex with Penelope Cruz on top of the Arabian horse on top of the boat. Or if you were watching "Braveheart" while having sex with Penelope Cruz on top of the Arabian horse on top of the boat. Man, I wish I were a sailor.

You know how most mythic heroes had some arch-nemesis they spend their whole life battling? Ahab and the Whale, Beowulf and Grendel, Billy Madison and O'Doyle. Old Stormalong had one of those too. You may have heard of it. It was called The Kraken. Like, the motherfucking KRAKEN. The best part is that he died fighting it. With his bare hands. You have to respect any person who sees the Kraken, rolls up his sleeves, and thinks, "Let's do this."