Best Care Bear?

Lowbrow Answer: Funshine Bear
"Funshine?" Really? Is that even a word? Somebody must have been huffing Xanex when they came up with this yellow idiot. Apparently Funshine Bear is the joker of the group, but given that this is the Care Bears, I wonder how incisive his pranks really are: "Oh, Funshine Bear. You gave me three hugs instead of two! Good one!" He should up his game and start playing some real practical jokes. Like lacing Wish Bear's coffee with Arsenic, for example. Hilarious!

I can't stand happy people. Wandering through life with vacant grins and wearing Dave Matthews Band t-shirts. Morons. Hey Funshine Bear. Why don't you go spend a year in Mogadishu and see if you're still smiling after you catch shrapnel in your knee from a carbomb and a radical Islamist rapes your wife with a copy of the Qur'an. Oh, and the Dave Matthews Band sucks balls.


Middlebrow Answer: Good Luck Bear
Good Luck Bear is a bad-ass. He's Kelly green, speaks with an Irish accent, and has a four-leaf clover on his tummy. I hear he also drinks a pint of Guinness with breakfast and has connections to the IRA. I wonder what Care Bear terrorism looks like. Probably just drive-by huggings and Molotov Cocktails made from juice boxes and peppermint sticks.

The problem with Good Luck Bear is that it's not like any of his lucky magic is being used for cool shit. He's not rolling up to Vegas with that slut Love-a-Lot Bear on his arm and winning 60-grand at the Craps tables. He's not getting any action on the Holyfield vs. Tyson fight, ya know? He's wasting all his talents on helping underprivileged homosexual unicorns or whatever the hell it is they do on this show.


Highbrow Answer: Grumpy Bear
Hey, you know what's shitty about life? EVERYTHING. People are drowning in floods in India. Oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. "Glee" is doing a Brittany Spears episode. There's no sense in ignoring it; you may as well embrace it. Grumpy Bear doesn't fuck around with useless things like smiling or hugging or being nice. He's too busy stabbing his arms with a sewing needle and writing lyrics for the metal band he's in.

Grumpy Bear has a big gray rain cloud on his tummy and is described as being cynical, surly, and rarely happy. Sounds like every cultural theory professor I've ever met. My kind of man. Grumpy Bear is also famous for negative sayings like "Bumbling Bitterbugs" or "Tishie-Tags," although I like to think what he really means is "Fuck this shit" or "I need a whiskey."