Best Colloquialism?

Lowbrow Answer: "Not Gonna Lie"
Have your friends been spouting this one at you like some kind of record player on angel dust? Yeah, me too. I don't get it. My friends are pretty good people. I'm not hanging out with baby rapists or armless Thai hookers or Lindsey Lohan. I feel pretty confident in assuming that they aren't lying to me when we speak. Except for my friend Phil. That guy is always elbows deep in shady dealings. I swear he's in the KGB.

Where does this bullshit stop? Am I going to have to start prefacing everything I say with a dumb list of stuff I'm not about to do?

- Not gonna molest a donkey, Tina, but that dress looks incredible on you.
- Not gonna stuff a quiche through that little window at the bank, but man is it hot outside.
- Not gonna learn how to write backwards in Finnish, but I totally love Radiohead.


Middlebrow Answer: "That's What She Said"
Okay, Steve Carrel is kind of amazing. And "The Office" is a funny show. Sometimes. When John Krasinski isn't smiling at the camera like a fourth-grader on a sugar high. But this one has got to stop. Suddenly every idiot thinks he can spout punchlines like Dan Akroyd. (Funny, edgy Saturday Night Live Dan Akroyd, not dumpy, embarrassing Yogi Bear Dan Akroyd.) If you weren't funny before you memorized this phrase, you REALLY aren't funny afterward.

The worst part about this one is that most people are morons and don't know how to use it properly. It's like watching a beagle trying to fly a 747:

Me: So then she told me to stick my penis into her vagina.
Idiotface: That's what she said!
Me: ...I know. I just told you she did.

Me: Do you have the numbers for the R15 report yet?
Dumbass McGee: That's what she said!
Me: I'm going to stab you with a curling iron.


Highbrow Answer: "Heretofore"
Pop quiz, asshole. Define "heretofore." Can't do it? Didn't think so. No wonder you got stuck at Eastern Michigan University getting a degree in "General Studies." Idiot. Heretofore basically means "up to the present time." Try using it in a sentence. It'll drive the babes in the Critical Theory section of the library wild:

"Heretofore, Zizek's writing had seemed petulant and Philistine." Philistine."
"Philip Hearsey's sculpture work has created heretofore unimaginable visual commentaries on global vicissitude."

(If you don't know who Zizek or Hearsey are, my interest in you as a person has heretofore been grossly misguided.)

Best Kind of Masturbation?

Lowbrow Answer: The Porn Wank
Look at you, hunched over your computer like some kind of cave troll. With your pants around your ankles and your door locked and your speakers turned down low so that your roommates don't hear Jenna Jameson crying out for more cock. You filthy bitch. Have some decency, man.

The hazard here is that you end up blasting your Chunky Homestyle Man-Chowder all over the keyboard of your computer. I can just see you at the Apple Store: "Hi, I sprayed some orgasm juice all over my keyboard and I need it fixed. Is there an app for that?"


Middlebrow Answer: The Tantric Wank
In this era of instant gratification, I'm impressed with anybody who can focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. This is the generation that thinks that commercials are too long. Idiot teenagers expect a break every five minutes so that they can text their friends. If you can sit in one place and wax your dolphin for four hours, more power to you.

Who has the time for this shit though? I don't spend this much effort having sex with an ACTUAL woman. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I don't have a free 2-hour window every night to jerk myself off. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I can pay somebody else to do that for me.


Highbrow Answer: The Utility Wank
Sex in the first place is lowbrow. If it were up to me, 99% of the global population wouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. If it were up to me, only the following people would be allowed to make babies, and only with each other:

- Slavoj Zizek
- Michael Frayn
- Phillip Glass
- Bjork
- Jonsi Birgisson
- Richard Dawkins
- Indira Ghandi

If you don't recognize those names, that's because you're prole filth who doesn't get to have babies. As far as wanking is concerned, if you're gonna do it, get in and get out. It's no supposed to be enjoyable; you're just clearing your head. Do you have fun taking the trash out or doing the dishes? No. So why enjoy this.