Best Reason to Hate "Avatar"?

Lowbrow Answer: The Story Sucked
Newflash, Dill-Hole. Every single movie is just an amalgamation of a bunch of other movies. You noticed that "Avatar" is exactly like "Dances with Wolves" and "Fern Gully?" Congratulations, Sherlock. You should be a detective. Maybe you can finally figure out why Mary Kate Olsen looks so much like Ashley Olsen. That one has stumped me for years.

Who cares about story anyhow? You want a good story, go read a book. Going to the movies for a good story is like going to a Britney Spears concert for a good song. You just aren't going to get one. Just sit back, stop whining, and get busy creaming yourself over how amazing the graphics are. You terd.


Middlebrow Answer: The Casting was Weird
Okay, I'll admit. It's a little fishy that all the aliens are played by minority actors while all the people are white. Except Michelle Rodriguez. She's a minority. Although, she's not a minority like Cyprus Hill, 2Pac, and The Wutang Clan are minorities, she's a minority like Jackie Chan, Tiger Woods, and Colin Powell are minorities.

I will say that the acting as a whole was strong. Zoe Saldana didn't even appear on screen and I still wanted to bone her the entire time. Can you imagine fucking one of those alien chicks? Or even one of the dudes? I'd totally go gay for that one with the mohawk if he promised to stick his little octopus ponytail thing into my butt. Talk about a rectal exam. Whooo.


Highbrow Answer: The Closing Song is Ridiculous
Have you heard this shit? (listen here) Good god, Cameron. This is the highest grossing film of all time and this is the best you could do? You couldn't hire Radiohead or Beck or ANYBODY ELSE?

I love the words to this song. They basically summarize every bit of subtext in the movie. If you're going to be that blatant, why not go all the way with it:

This movie was about aliens fighting army dudes,
But it's really about nature and war and relationships,
Ooooo, Yeaahhhh.
The aliens can talk to the planet,
But that's just symbolic of their metaphorical connection to the earth.
Yeahhh, love and tanks and blue skin, Ooohhh.

I can just hear Celine Dion wailing away. Brings a tear to my eye.