When I'm seventy I hope to be...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Playing with my grand-kids.
Grand-kids are the fucking worst. I should know, I used to be one. (Not anymore! Huzzah!) They're whiny, their fingers are covered in applesauce, and they always want money. Plus they have no concept of how great you are until you're dead. Being a grandparent is like being Van Gogh; nobody misses you until you're a corpse.

The other thing that blows is that your spoiled kids expect you to provide a free babysitter service to your grandkids. What is this shit? I got plans! I have shuffleboard tournaments to attend and prune juice to drink. Take care of your own little brats.


Middlebrow Answer: ...On the road, promoting the movie version of my life story.
Here's an idea. Turn off your iPhone, stop hanging out with your idiot frat friends from college, quit your job as a low-level corporate shill, and get out into the world and do something. Build a school in Honduras or clone a panda so that they don't go extinct or invent a machine that cleans your teeth while it cooks meatloaf. Then people will want to hear your story instead of wanting you to stop talking about the boring life you've lead.

Of course, it's all about who makes your movie. You might end up being played by Keanu Reeves or Ryan Phillippe, with Paris Hilton as your daughter. In that case, just shove an ice-pick into your eyes and you won't have to watch.


Highbrow: ...Dead.
Call me crazy, but I have no interest in pooping in my pants or getting Alzheimer's and talking to squirrels. Getting old blows. I'd rather just step on a landmine when I turn seventy. It's quick, it's easy, and if you set up a canvas beforehand, you can make a nice splatter painting as a goodbye present for your relatives.

Elephants have it right. When an old elephant realizes that he is slowing down the herd, he just hurls himself over a cliff and he's gone. Perfect. If only humanity worked the same way. Then we could have gotten rid of Dick Clark, Larry King, Oren Hatch, Joan Rivers, Neil Diamond, and Montgomery Burns by now.