Lowbrow Answer: Be an AgnosticAs romantic as it may sound, Agnostics are really just people too gutless to be atheists. They don't believe in religion, but they're too cowardly to go all the way and tell God to fuck himself. It may be hard to identify an Agnostic within your group of friends. Lemme see if I can help.
Agnostics are people who...
- Get Henna Tattoos.
- Pay for a hooker but only get a blowjob.
- Buy a ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert and then avoid the mosh pit.
- Listen to the Arcade Fire.
- Love movies that feature Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.
- Voted for Ralph Nader
Just avoid them. They're useless anyhow. You know what they say: "When the going gets tough, Agnostics shit themselves."
Middlebrow Answer: Be an Atheist
I like the idea that you just become part of the earth when you die. I'd like it if they buried my body, I became dirt, then grass, then a pony came by and ate me. Ponies are amazing. Just look at them. It's a little pocket horse! How can you go wrong?!
There is a part of me, though, that thinks Atheism is just the latest cultural craze. Like quoting Richard Dawkins is now as cool as "Being Gay" or "Having a Tumor. " Fuck fads. Especially religious fads. First it's cool to be a christian, then it's not, then it is again, then it's not. Make up your damn mind, Jesus. I'm sick of your waffling.
Highbrow Answer: Stab an Evangelical
Where the hell did we get these people? Is somebody pouring mercury into the Midwest's water supply? They hate gays, they worship George W. Bush, and they refuse to have sex with me before marriage. Talk about downers. Could they be any less fun? I'd rather shave my face with a rabid dingo than spend an afternoon with an evangelical.
The best part of Evangelicals is the way they deal with children. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" That shit is terrifying. You know, I can think of another group of people who indoctrinated kids at such a young age. Who got them all together and put foul thoughts into their heads. Need a hint? It starts with "N" and it's "Nazis."
Agnostics are people who...
- Get Henna Tattoos.
- Pay for a hooker but only get a blowjob.
- Buy a ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert and then avoid the mosh pit.
- Listen to the Arcade Fire.
- Love movies that feature Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.
- Voted for Ralph Nader
Just avoid them. They're useless anyhow. You know what they say: "When the going gets tough, Agnostics shit themselves."
Middlebrow Answer: Be an AtheistI like the idea that you just become part of the earth when you die. I'd like it if they buried my body, I became dirt, then grass, then a pony came by and ate me. Ponies are amazing. Just look at them. It's a little pocket horse! How can you go wrong?!
There is a part of me, though, that thinks Atheism is just the latest cultural craze. Like quoting Richard Dawkins is now as cool as "Being Gay" or "Having a Tumor. " Fuck fads. Especially religious fads. First it's cool to be a christian, then it's not, then it is again, then it's not. Make up your damn mind, Jesus. I'm sick of your waffling.
Highbrow Answer: Stab an EvangelicalWhere the hell did we get these people? Is somebody pouring mercury into the Midwest's water supply? They hate gays, they worship George W. Bush, and they refuse to have sex with me before marriage. Talk about downers. Could they be any less fun? I'd rather shave my face with a rabid dingo than spend an afternoon with an evangelical.
The best part of Evangelicals is the way they deal with children. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" That shit is terrifying. You know, I can think of another group of people who indoctrinated kids at such a young age. Who got them all together and put foul thoughts into their heads. Need a hint? It starts with "N" and it's "Nazis."
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