Best Part of Christmas?

Lowbrow Answer: The Birth of Christ
One little homeless baby is born and the next thing you know, we get a whole race of Evangelical idiots who hate Muslims, The Purple Teletubby, Jews, Science, Gays, and Women. Nice going, Jesus. Couldn't you have just stayed in the carpentry business instead of switching over to "Savior-ing?"

I hate birthdays anyhow. Especially one for somebody born over 2000 years ago. You don't see us baking a cake for Ghengis Khan or throwing a party for Octavius Caesar. You know why? Because they're fucking dead. They could care less if we're celebrating their birthday. They're too busy in Heaven having a threesome with Joan of Arc.


Middlebrow Answer: Presents
Here's a fun trick if you're bored. Buy a big black dildo and wrap it up. Put it under the tree and address it to your dad from your mom. Include a note inside that says, "I thought you might like this because you obviously have no interest in my vagina." Then just sit back, sip some eggnog, and watch your parents fight. Ah, Christmas. Good times.

Getting presents blows. Especially from your "kind-of" relatives. You know the people I mean. Those couples you only see at Christmas whose names you can't remember and who don't seem to even know who you are. They're names are usually something like "Janet and Ted." And they give you a purple sweater or a DVD of "PBS Masterpiece Theatre," and you have to awkwardly hug them and you hate it bacause they smell like moth balls. Die, Janet and Ted.


Highbrow Answers: Handel's Messiah
You know you're a badass when Beethoven, Mozart, and Haydn cite you as an influence. That's like Ron Jeremy saying, "Yeah, I try to fuck like Jeff King does." Handel worked for the English Royal Crown, he spoke like nine languages, and he composed 42 operas. FORTY-TWO. I can't even watch 42 minutes of a movie without getting distracted or needing to pee.

The Messiah is epic. Can you really argue with the Hallelujah Chorus? That shit is amazing. The Messiah is also the most famous instance of Handel's "Word-Painting." That's a technique whereby the melody of a song matches the words. As in, the word "high" would be sung on a high note, or "Valley" would be a string of notes that form a valley shape on the page. BAD. ASS. He's basically doing three types of art in one. You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

Best Way to Be Anti-Religious?

Lowbrow Answer: Be an Agnostic

As romantic as it may sound, Agnostics are really just people too gutless to be atheists. They don't believe in religion, but they're too cowardly to go all the way and tell God to fuck himself. It may be hard to identify an Agnostic within your group of friends. Lemme see if I can help.

Agnostics are people who...

- Get Henna Tattoos.
- Pay for a hooker but only get a blowjob.
- Buy a ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert and then avoid the mosh pit.
- Listen to the Arcade Fire.
- Love movies that feature Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.
- Voted for Ralph Nader

Just avoid them. They're useless anyhow. You know what they say: "When the going gets tough, Agnostics shit themselves."


Middlebrow Answer: Be an Atheist
I like the idea that you just become part of the earth when you die. I'd like it if they buried my body, I became dirt, then grass, then a pony came by and ate me. Ponies are amazing. Just look at them. It's a little pocket horse! How can you go wrong?!

There is a part of me, though, that thinks Atheism is just the latest cultural craze. Like quoting Richard Dawkins is now as cool as "Being Gay" or "Having a Tumor. " Fuck fads. Especially religious fads. First it's cool to be a christian, then it's not, then it is again, then it's not. Make up your damn mind, Jesus. I'm sick of your waffling.


Highbrow Answer: Stab an Evangelical
Where the hell did we get these people? Is somebody pouring mercury into the Midwest's water supply? They hate gays, they worship George W. Bush, and they refuse to have sex with me before marriage. Talk about downers. Could they be any less fun? I'd rather shave my face with a rabid dingo than spend an afternoon with an evangelical.

The best part of Evangelicals is the way they deal with children. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" That shit is terrifying. You know, I can think of another group of people who indoctrinated kids at such a young age. Who got them all together and put foul thoughts into their heads. Need a hint? It starts with "N" and it's "Nazis."

Best Place to go when you Die?

Lowbrow Answer: Heaven
The problem with Heaven is that it's full people who are either really boring or totally insane. Just think about all the Evangelical Christians that will be up there with you. Or those kids you knew in college who spent all day playing Warcraft and used ping-pong tables to actually play ping-pong. Boooring.

And I don't care how nice Heaven itself is. I don't care if you spend all day watching action movies, eating buffalo wings, and getting fellated by Joan of Arc. It's all about the people you're with. Kind of like how a Caribbean Cruise would be horrifying if you were on a boat full of Dick Cheneys.


Middlebrow Answer: Hell
Whether you were fucking too much, drinking too much, or killing too much, at least you had fun on earth. Sure, fire and brimstone might be kind of intense, but you'd probably get a great tan. Plus, pain is kind of sexy. It's like how you used to get a boner when that nun in 4th grade would smack you with a ruler.

And if Heaven is full of boring people, just think of who you'd meet in Hell. Hitler, Charles Manson, Judas, those Velociraptors from "Jurassic Park." There'd be no shortage of good conversation down there. I can't wait to play "Risk" with Franco, Atila the Hun, and Pol Pot. Now THAT would be interesting.


Highbrow Answer: Nowhere
You believe in an afterlife? Please. Name me three top-level philosophers or cultural theorists who weren't atheists or agnostics. See, you can't do it. Believing that our souls go somewhere after we die is like trying to argue that The Barenaked Ladies are an awesome band: you just sound like an idiot.

If you think this one through logically, it basically means that you become a plant. Your body rots in the ground, eventually becomes soil, and then becomes some natural florae. High. Brow. You can go off to heaven and fly fighter jets all day, I'm just gonna chill here as a fern and contimplate the meaning of life.