Best Toy Story Villian?

Lowbrow Answer: Stinky Pete (Toy Story 2)
He's old. He's fat. And he smells. Remind me again why we're supposed to be afraid of him? I feel like even Jessie the Yodelin' Cowgirl could have beaten the shit out of this doofwang. Although, I guess that would have made for a pretty anti-climactic film:

Woody: Quick Buzz, we have to get out of here before Stinky Pete shows up!
Jessie: Stinky Pete? Are you serious? That's who we're running from? He's like an Alzheimer's Santa Clause.

Jessie stops. Turns. Bitch-slaps Stinky Pete, who falls to the floor crying.

Buzz: Good work, Jessie. Well. That solves that problem. Hmmm. So. Umm. You guys wanna go get a beer or something?


Middlebrow Answer: Sid (Toy Story)
Can we get this kid some Ritalin? Or maybe a lobotomy? And where the hell are his parents while he's using illegal explosives and setting fires? You know how sometimes you see those serial killers on the news who have murdered and skinned 36 women using only an ice-cream scoop and you wonder where the hell they came from? Sid. Sid is where they came from.

You do have to admire his artistry though. He's got a Doctor-Mengele-meets-FAO-Schwartz thing going on. Some of his creations look like those weird little Japanese toys that sell for $16 a pop. What a racket. I should start cutting the heads off barbie dolls and replacing them with fishing hooks and razor blades. I'll call them, "Barbie Mauls" and make a fortune. I'll probably get rich way faster that way then with this Cocaine business I've got going. Damn junkies always asking to pay on layaway.


Highbrow Answer: Lots-O'-Higgin' Bear (Toy Story 3)
This dude is twisted. He lures you in with his delightful laughter and his stomach that smells like fresh strawberries only to tear you away from your friends and lock you in a prison. He's the Adolf Hitler of plush toys. (Historical Fun Fact: Hitler suffered from a rare genetic condition that caused his stomach to smell like Alabama Sweet Cherries)

And how about his henchmen? Jesus. I'm going to have nightmares about "Big Baby" until the day I die. There's nothing scarier than fucked-up looking children. Well, maybe spiders. With their furry legs and those little fangs. And don't even get me started on snakes. Sheesh. Give me the willies.

Best Version of Hitler?

Lowbrow Answer: General
You were trying to take over the world, right? Kill everybody who didn't agree with you? How'd that go for you? Oh, you failed? But I thought you were the master race. I thought you were all powerful and unbeatable. Here's a little lesson for next time. Don't fuck with a bunch of people who are bigger than you are. That's like a gazelle walking into a lions' den and picking a fight. Dumbass.

And then, at the end of it all, you hid in a bunker like a little bitch and finally killed yourself? Nice one. Real heroic. I'll see you in hell, you prick. And when I do, I'm going to shit in your pillow.


Middlebrow Answer: Politician
Okay, so you rallied a nation that had been devastated by World War I. And you unified the socialist party to take power. And your speeches were crazy. You sound like some sort of motivational speaker on methamphetamine.

But, come on. Killing everyone who isn't Aryan? Are you insane? That's not really a strong platform to base your campaign on. I didn't study political science or anything, but maybe you should focus more on "I'll lower taxes" or "I'll get you better wages," and less on "I'm a crazy idiot who wants to kill six million people." Know what I mean?

Highbrow Answer: None
I'm sure some of you were expecting me to talk about Hitler as an artist for this one, but I can't. His art blows. His landscapes look like "paint by number" and his portraits are shitty. Which means there really isn't a highbrow version of Hitler. Although, are we really surprised by that? This is the dude that tried to exterminate an entire race of people. He's basically an annoying schoolyard bully, only with Panzer tanks.

I'm sure that there are a ton of arguments that could be made about Hitler being a genius and about his high level of intellectualism. But he lost. He lost the war. So fuck him. You know those people who lose a soccer game and then tell you that it was because they were a little tired and that they could totally beat you if they played you again? I hate those people. Win, or shut the hell up.

Best Fictional Reptile?

Lowbrow Answer: Reptile from Mortal Kombat
Let me get this straight. You serve an evil overlord from a different dimension by fighting in an ultimate death tournament against a bunch of other warriors? I don't get it. Are you paid by the hour? What are the medical benefits like? If I were an evil overlord and you were working for me, I think I'd have you mow my lawn and balance my checkbook way before I'd have you enter a death tournament. That just seems like a waste.

Don't you have any other skills besides ripping dudes' arms off and eating people's skulls? No? My god, you're lowbrow. Listen, man. Why don't you go back to school and get your GED. Then you could trade in your karate outfit for a bus driver's uniform or a janitor's smock.


Middlebrow Answer: Godzilla
He tramples cities, breathes nuclear fire, and he battles other gigantic monsters. He's basically living my dreams every day. And he's got that cool loner thing going on as well. No friends, no family. Just him and the road and the Japanese military. How Kerouac.

Of course, in the end, he always ends up losing to some scientist who figures out a way to send him back down into the ocean. It's like, dude, come on. When you climb out of the ocean, start by eating all the scientists. You see a little guy in a white lab coat running around, grab that bitch and swallow him whole. Then you can relax and enjoy yourself in Tokyo.


Highbrow Answer: The Serpent from the Bible
Talk about salesmanship. This guy convinces two people to do the one thing they're not allowed to do. Literally the one thing. It would be like getting the NRA to lobby for gun control or Hitler to marry Sarah Silverman. And you know he's an educated elite to pull that kind of stunt off right under God's nose.

If you think about it, The Serpent is basically responsible for Original Sin. Now that is highbrow. Just imagine what it's like when he goes back to his high school reunion. Some people have written books, maybe one guy is a senator. And The Serpent? Oh, you know, no big deal, he just caused ORIGINAL SIN. Baddass.

Best Place to go when you Die?

Lowbrow Answer: Heaven
The problem with Heaven is that it's full people who are either really boring or totally insane. Just think about all the Evangelical Christians that will be up there with you. Or those kids you knew in college who spent all day playing Warcraft and used ping-pong tables to actually play ping-pong. Boooring.

And I don't care how nice Heaven itself is. I don't care if you spend all day watching action movies, eating buffalo wings, and getting fellated by Joan of Arc. It's all about the people you're with. Kind of like how a Caribbean Cruise would be horrifying if you were on a boat full of Dick Cheneys.


Middlebrow Answer: Hell
Whether you were fucking too much, drinking too much, or killing too much, at least you had fun on earth. Sure, fire and brimstone might be kind of intense, but you'd probably get a great tan. Plus, pain is kind of sexy. It's like how you used to get a boner when that nun in 4th grade would smack you with a ruler.

And if Heaven is full of boring people, just think of who you'd meet in Hell. Hitler, Charles Manson, Judas, those Velociraptors from "Jurassic Park." There'd be no shortage of good conversation down there. I can't wait to play "Risk" with Franco, Atila the Hun, and Pol Pot. Now THAT would be interesting.


Highbrow Answer: Nowhere
You believe in an afterlife? Please. Name me three top-level philosophers or cultural theorists who weren't atheists or agnostics. See, you can't do it. Believing that our souls go somewhere after we die is like trying to argue that The Barenaked Ladies are an awesome band: you just sound like an idiot.

If you think this one through logically, it basically means that you become a plant. Your body rots in the ground, eventually becomes soil, and then becomes some natural florae. High. Brow. You can go off to heaven and fly fighter jets all day, I'm just gonna chill here as a fern and contimplate the meaning of life.

Best Form of Government?

Lowbrow Answer: Democracy
Of the people, by the people, for the people? Which people? Because most of the ones I encounter have no idea what the hell they're talking about. This is the country where a third of the population doesn't believe in science because Jesus tells them it's a bad idea. Giving Americans the power to govern themselves is like giving a drunk three-year-old the keys to your car and telling him to get you to work; it's not going to end well.

This shit also takes too long. Anything that you want to get done is a month-long process of votes, hearings, panels, and discussions. Congress is just summer camp for grownup white men, except they're served shrimp and Perrier at lunch instead of hot dogs and bug juice.


Middlebrow Answer: Dictatorship
Stuff gets done quickly, there are lots of parades, and your country starts putting badass logos like iron eagles or death skulls all over everything. Cooooool. Plus, do we really need freedom of speech? For every intelligent person that has something to say, there are twelve jackoffs who want to rant about Britney Spears or cheese-in-a-can. I'm happy to keep my ideas to myself if it shuts them up.

Of course, the problem here is that the dictator himself is always a whiny bitch. Whether it's Hitler ("Wah, nobody loves me and my painting is unappreciated"), Mussolini ("Wah, nobody loves me and my last name sounds like pasta"), or Stalin ("Wah, nobody loves me and my mustache is too bushy"), you always get some crazy lunatic in charge who wants to kill a bunch of people. No, thanks.


Highbrow Answer: Oligarchy
Why have only one king when you can have two? An Oligarchy basically ensures that only elitist, well-educated people have a say in the government. Sounds highbrow to me. Oligarchy is great because if anybody says something moronic, you can just kick them out of the government. If only we had that power in this country after that whole "Freedom Fry" affair.

The most famous Oligarchy in history is Sparta, which had two kings and five elders to run the land. You remember Sparta, right? It's that place where all the men are trained to be muscley death machines from birth and where all the women have jobs and are educated? Where commerce flourished, the arts were appreciated, and the literacy rate was somewhere around 99 percent? No? You don't remember? What about Sir Thomas Moore's famous book "Utopia?" That's an oligarchy too. Highbrow, huh? You don't remember that one either? God, you're a moron. Good thing you have no say in this government.