Best Form of Government?

Lowbrow Answer: Democracy
Of the people, by the people, for the people? Which people? Because most of the ones I encounter have no idea what the hell they're talking about. This is the country where a third of the population doesn't believe in science because Jesus tells them it's a bad idea. Giving Americans the power to govern themselves is like giving a drunk three-year-old the keys to your car and telling him to get you to work; it's not going to end well.

This shit also takes too long. Anything that you want to get done is a month-long process of votes, hearings, panels, and discussions. Congress is just summer camp for grownup white men, except they're served shrimp and Perrier at lunch instead of hot dogs and bug juice.


Middlebrow Answer: Dictatorship
Stuff gets done quickly, there are lots of parades, and your country starts putting badass logos like iron eagles or death skulls all over everything. Cooooool. Plus, do we really need freedom of speech? For every intelligent person that has something to say, there are twelve jackoffs who want to rant about Britney Spears or cheese-in-a-can. I'm happy to keep my ideas to myself if it shuts them up.

Of course, the problem here is that the dictator himself is always a whiny bitch. Whether it's Hitler ("Wah, nobody loves me and my painting is unappreciated"), Mussolini ("Wah, nobody loves me and my last name sounds like pasta"), or Stalin ("Wah, nobody loves me and my mustache is too bushy"), you always get some crazy lunatic in charge who wants to kill a bunch of people. No, thanks.


Highbrow Answer: Oligarchy
Why have only one king when you can have two? An Oligarchy basically ensures that only elitist, well-educated people have a say in the government. Sounds highbrow to me. Oligarchy is great because if anybody says something moronic, you can just kick them out of the government. If only we had that power in this country after that whole "Freedom Fry" affair.

The most famous Oligarchy in history is Sparta, which had two kings and five elders to run the land. You remember Sparta, right? It's that place where all the men are trained to be muscley death machines from birth and where all the women have jobs and are educated? Where commerce flourished, the arts were appreciated, and the literacy rate was somewhere around 99 percent? No? You don't remember? What about Sir Thomas Moore's famous book "Utopia?" That's an oligarchy too. Highbrow, huh? You don't remember that one either? God, you're a moron. Good thing you have no say in this government.