Best Gas Stations?

Lowbrow Answer: ExxonMobile
ExxonMobile is the largest and douchebaggiest gasoline company in the United States. They don't acknowledge same-sex marriages for company benefits, they've been known to bribe third-world country leadership to ensure high profits, and they're accused of knowingly assisting human rights violations in Indonesia, including torture, murder, and rape. Way to go, guys. You make Wal-Mart look like a Mom'n'Pop general store in upsate Minnesota.

Plus, they decided it would be a good idea to dump 10.8 million gallons of crude oil into the ocean in 1989. As if I didn't already hate them enough, now they're going to kill baby seals and pengiuns in Alaska? Fuck you, ExxonMobile. I love baby seals. They're nature's bon-bons.


Middlebrow Answer: BP Global
They use cleaner, ethanol-infused fuel, they're building wind farms and solar panel factories, and most of their stations look like space ships. I wish all the places I went looked like space ships. It would make my visits to the dentist far more enjoyable.

On the other hand, the chief executive of this company is Lord John Browne, Baron Browne of Madingley. Elitist prick. The guy already has more money than I can even imagine, does his name really need to be a whole sentence? This reeks of Bourgeois desperation. Madingley is probably some parking lot in South London that's full of bums and prep school kids buying cocaine.


Highbrow Answer: Citgo
Okay, sorry, but the sign over Fenway Park is cool. It's not often that a corporation manages to become part of a city's cultural landscape. Citgo also sponsored the Cities Service Concerts on NBC radio from 1925 to 1956, which encompassed a variety of vocalists and musicians. Imagine that, a large company giving money to the arts. These days, that's about as rare as a Nicholas Cage movie coming out that anybody is like, super excited to see.

Citgo also gives money to the Boston Marathon and is the largest corporate sponsor of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. These guys are amazing. They're like finding a bag of money where the bag itself is also made of money.