Best Use for a Potato?

Lowbrow Answer: For Food
They grow in the ground, they're nothing but starch, and they taste like wet chalk. The only way people even eat them is by dumping decidedly horrible shit all over them: butter, sour cream, bacon bits, whatever. Potatoes are like Evangelical Christians: there way too many of them and they're always incredibly bland.

Plus, I like Ireland. Guinness, Cillian Murphy, and The Cranberries are all awesome. So fuck you, potatoes. Your little famine almost deprived the world of Roy Keane.


Middlebrow Answer: For Sex
Including natural implements in your sexual adventures is always a pleasure. And the potato provides a nice balance to the usually-employed strawberries or bananas. Plus it makes dirty talk super easy: "Yeah, baby, suck on my starchy tuber."

Then again, it's a potato. Not exactly the most romantic food in the world. It doesn't drip from fingertips or spread particuarly easily. I guess you could carve it into interesting shapes, but, come on, who wants to fuck their girlfriend with a dildo made out of a potato? A "Potildo," if you will.


Highbrow Answer: For Tools
Let me get this straight. You can plug a clock into a potato and it will work? Properly? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Maybe we should scrap all this oil and start growing potatoes. Just imagine it, you could drive your car to work and suck on the exhaust pipe if you needed a snack.

Potatoes contain glycoalkaloids, which are toxic compounds that affect the nervous system. In large doses, the compounds can cause weakness and confusion. So not only can a potato power clocks, it can also fuck up bad guys. Legend.