Best German Classical Composer?

Lowbrow Answer: Ludwig Von Beethoven
Ode to Joy? Really? You're going to write an epic symphony, your last, in fact, and you're going to call it "Ode to Joy?" Why not "Ode to Puppies and Sunshine and Butterflies?" Happy people blow.

The only reasons anybody knows who you are is that they've either seen "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" where you're introduced as "Beeth-Oven," or they've seen Charlie Brown cartoons where Schroeder plays your Moonlight Sonata over and over again until I want to kill myself. Either way, my friend, you're deaf and you're lowbrow.


Middlebrow Answer: Richard Wagner
Wagner's Ring Cycle is the most epic opera ever written. It's basically four operas in a row that take seventeen hours to perform. I can't even sleep for seventeen hours in a row, let alone write an opera of that length. Well played, Richard.

On the other hand, you're an anti-Semitic douche. You wrote essays on why Jews are inferior creatures and Hitler and his Nazi buddies all listened to your work. Asshole. Besides, my feelings concerning The Ring Cycle are identical to my feelings concerning a Porn-star's Penis: Just because it's long doesn't automatically mean I want it in my ears.


Highbrow Answer: Johannes Brahms
You know that piece of music that has become the Lullaby? The one that gets played during Loony Tunes cartoons when Daffy Duck is sleeping and Bugs Bunny is sneaking up on him with a sledgehammer? Brahms wrote that. He wrote the lullaby. What the fuck have you done recently?

It's also widely rumored that Brahms seduced Schumann's wife, Clara. What a legend. He could have gone after any girl in 1860's Vienna and who does he choose? Schumann's wife. That's like being offered a choice between fighting a Whooping Crane or fighting a Velociraptor, and choosing the raptor. Just because you enjoy a challenge.