Best Football Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Any Given Sunday
Is this a movie or just a series of music videos, I can't really tell. And look, I know that Jim Brown and Laurence Taylor were good football players in real life, but that doesn't mean they're good actors. Sorry guys, but not everbody is talented enough to have two careers like Eminem or Paris Hilton.

My favorite part of this movie is that it's not sanctioned by the NFL, so you're stuck cheering for teams like The Sharks or The Knights. Come on, Oliver Stone. You have enough money to hire Al Pacino and Cameron Diaz, but you can't afford the rights to the NFL franchises? That's like paying the cover at a titty bar and then not getting a dance because you're out of cash. What's the point?


Middlebrow Answer: Remember the Titans
The acting is good, the football is good, and the story is true. Plus there's nothing better than when the racist opposing players are getting demolished by black kids. It's kind of like the satisfaction you feel when a homophobe is given a really great haircut by a gay stylist. Still hate the queers now, buddy?

The issue here is that this script is riddled with tear-jerking moments that make you want to kill yourself. Denzel's speech at Gettysburg, the fat kid's ability to love everyone, the captain's career-ending injury and subsequent realization that race doesn't matter. We get it. They've overcome obstacles. Racism is bad. Be nice to everyone. Blah, blah, blah. Now can we get back to Denzel yelling at the kids like a drill sargent? THAT'S entertainment.


Highbrow Answer: Friday Night Lights
This movie is depressing. It's based on a true story about a small Texas school who makes it to the state championship. And loses. They lose. There's no come-from-behind victory, no fourth-quarter heroics. They lose the game. I think it's the only movie in history where that happens. Although, I guess "Downfall" would count. Make that two movies where the team loses.

The entire soundtrack was written by Explosions in the Sky, a post-rock band from Texas that plays whistfully long tracks with no lyrics. It makes any scene three times more tragic. They could show footage of happy little kids and golden retriever puppies on Christmas morning and I'd still start crying if that music were playing.