Best Mario Kart Racer?

Lowbrow Answer: Yoshi
What the hell IS Yoshi? He looks like a strange mix between a horse and a gecko, but I can't be sure. His driving abilities are fine, but let's face it, he's Mario's bitch. An Italian plumber douchebag rides him around everywhere making him eat things. Sounds like a frat house initiation.

Yoshi's secret weapon is an egg. So let me get this straight. Mario and Luigi can turn invincible, the princess can SHRINK me, and you're throwing eggs? Really? Good luck with that. I'm surprised the Horse-Gecko Christian Right isn't all over your ass for such a blatant disregard of future Yoshis.


Middlebrow Answer: Koopa Troopa
This little guy is agile as fuck and accelerates like he's got nitrous in his go-cart. I can just picture him street racing against Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. He's also a soldier, which means he's making a fair wage and has some advanced training in killing people. Good for him.

The downside is that he's a bald turtle who takes orders from an overweight velociraptor. He's too busy serving the Evil Reptile Army and kidnapping blonde women in pink dresses to really educate himself and make a play toward gaining true highbrow status.


Highbrow Answer: Bowser
It takes a long time to master driving with this beast, but anything that seems impossible at first is probably highbrow. Ever tried to read Heidegger? See my point? Bower's top speed is ridiculous, he can run bitches over, and his victory music sounds like a low-fi collaboration between Rammstein and Daft Punk.

And oh yeah, he's a DRAGON. When was the last time YOU shit out a fireball while driving at 80 mph?