Lowbrow Answer: New York City MarathonIs the New York City Marathon the oldest? Nope. That's Boston. Is it the most competitive? Nope. Chicago and Berlin are in the same month and have better elite fields. Is it the fastest? Nope. That would be Chicago, London, or Berlin. Sorry, NYC, but I'm running out of superlatives here. At least your marathon is the "New-Yorkiest."
This race markets itself as the "World's largest marathon," which means there are thousands of worthless runners in the back of the pack who are taking breaks every two miles to get a hot dog from a street vendor. Sorry guys, but if you're a normal person and it takes you more than five and a half hours to run a marathon, you haven't really "finished." Kinda like how if you're sitting in a room while some guy bones Carmen Electra, you haven't really had sex with her, ya know?
This race markets itself as the "World's largest marathon," which means there are thousands of worthless runners in the back of the pack who are taking breaks every two miles to get a hot dog from a street vendor. Sorry guys, but if you're a normal person and it takes you more than five and a half hours to run a marathon, you haven't really "finished." Kinda like how if you're sitting in a room while some guy bones Carmen Electra, you haven't really had sex with her, ya know?
Middlebrow Answer: Antarctic Ice MarathonIt's freezing, it's snowing, and you're at 80 degrees south latitude. The only way to even get to this race is by private plane. And with the exception of the occasional Yeti, there are no cheering fans at this one. You're on your own, sweetheart.
All that being said, come on. There are like five people in this race. All you did was put your marathon in a weird place to get some attention. It's like how Paris Hilton doesn't wear underpants on purpose and then gets out of cars like she's giving birth. I should hold a marathon in the sewers of Detroit and see if I can make some money: "The Motor City Shit Run 2009"
Highbrow Answer: Boston MarathonThis race is money. It's the oldest, it's got heartbreak hill, and it has no title sponsor. It's just, "The Boston Marathon." Remember the good ole days when sports had no title sponsors? When the "TD Banknorth Garden" was just "The Boston Garden" or "Wrigley Field" was just "That Place Where the Cubs Play?"
The only way to officially qualify for this race is to either hit a standard time or give a bunch of money to charity. So the only people in the marathon are either super fast or super nice. If only life were like that. The world would be a far better place if I only ever met people who were really fast marathoners or who gave a ton of money to charity. We'd be a population of tall, lanky
runner philanthropists. I'm pretty sure that's the world Thomas Moore had in mind when he wrote "Utopia."
I realize it was in a joke, but the TD Banknorth Garden was never the Boston Garden. It was the Shawmut Center, then the FleetCenter, and as of July of this year, will be just the TD Garden.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would totally participate in "The Motor City Shit Run 2009". That sounds fucking amazing.
You know why the New York Marathon is the top notch? Because most of us are too busy to care. Wanna know who the real New Yorkers are? Go to Marathon Sunday and listen for the expletive poetry of bitter quotidians trying to figure out how the fuck they're gonna get to IKEA with all these Kenyans in the way.
ReplyDeleteIt's the same reason the Yankees are the premiere sports dynasty, Wall Street invents new ways of counting without telling us, and Bob Dylan can make his name here without anybody having a goddamn clue as to what he's singing, which by the way also describes the birth of hip-hop (also an NYC phenomena). Most of the time we just don't care because we've got our own shit going on, so you'd better impress us.
Outsiders/visitors/tourists/most of Williamsburg are like the eldest child clamoring for daddy's attention. You'd better have one helluva song-and-dance, kid. I won't be impressed by the Boston Marathon until I see a bunch of drunk dudes in wheelchairs finish it four days later while they start to allow traffic on the roads again. THAT is the NYC Marathon.