Best Comedian?

Lowbrow Answer: Dane Cook
Here's every Dane Cook bit you've ever heard: "Roar! Loud noises! Hooking up with girls! Roar!" Funny, right? Where the hell did we get this guy. I'm even from where he's from (Boston-ish) and I can't stand him. Dane Cook is basically the Michael Bay of Comedy: There are lots of explosions but nothing really happens.

And look at the guy's film credits. "My Best Friend's Girl?" "Employee of the Month?" "Good Luck Chuck?" I feel like I'm just listing Razzie Award-winners. Even Eddie Murphy has done better with his post stand-up career, and he was in "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." Stop doing films, Dane. You have the skill set of a rodeo clown.

Middlebrow Answer: Bill Cosby
The best thing about Cosby is that his stories were so good that even when they weren't spot-on funny, they were interesting. And while he may lack the edge of Pryor or Carlin, he was still able to make you laugh without it. It's like if you were about to fight an African Lion and somebody offered you a sword as a weapon but you took a toothbrush instead. And still won.

That being said, his sweaters are ridiculous. And Jello? Come on man, you're better than that. His later career spiralled downward into children's cartoons and silly reality shows like "Kids say the Darndest Things." What happened, Cosby? Did you get Brain Damage?


Highbrow Answer: Andy Kaufman
I don't even know what this guy was talking about half the time he was on stage. It's kinda like how I feel when I'm reading Marx. He sings animal songs, he does weird voices, and he stares off into space a lot. Reminds me of that weird kid Conlan that used to sit in the back class in 5th grade. Everbody knows one of those kids. Kaufman is Conlan, all grown up.

Plus he was on the first episode ever of Saturday Night Live, and that alone makes him pretty legendary. The Mighty Mouse bit is one of the best sketches I've ever seen. You don't agree? You like Chris Kattan better? Maybe Will Ferrell? You're an idiot. Stop talking.