Best Civil War Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Cold Mountain
Who the hell cast this thing? Jude Law? Here's a quick history lesson for you. People who lived during the 1860's didn't have low-sodium, no carb Diet Coke or all-natural, organic open-range, gluten-free chicken. They ate meat and potatoes. That's it. The women didn't look like Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellweger; they looked like Kathy Bates or Liam Neeson.

Don't take a historical event and dump a love story all over it. We didn't want to watch "Titanic" and we don't want to watch this. What's next? "Hearts over Chernobyl?"


Middlebrow Answer: Glory
Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick, and the always under-appreciated Carey Elwes highlight the story of the first black regiment for the Union.This movie is like getting a blowjob from a cultural history textbook: it feels amazing and you're learning. The scene where they whip Denzel for stealing a pair of shoes is one of the most powerful moments in Cinema.

The downside of this is the whole "group of diverse people come together to acheive the unachievable" theme. Laaaaame. There's nothing more middlebrow than surmounting impossible obstacles. Just look at "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets."


Highbrow Answer: Gettysburg
It's four and a half hours long, it's extremely accurate, and there are almost no women in it. Sounds like a Noam Chomsky lecture. To actually see what it must have been like to fight at Gettysburg is both terrifying and awesome. Note to self. Stay the fuck away from Little Round Top.

Also, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlin is honestly the most badass American soldier to ever live. He reads highbrow foreign authors, he teaches literature, and he slaughters Confederates. The guy could burn down my house and I'd still go gay for him.