Best Confederate Leader in Civil War?

Like the Civil War? Find out the best movie on the subject here.

Lowbrow Answer: George Pickett
"Okay, men. Here's the plan. We want you to run across that mile of open field. Then we want you to hop over those four or five fences. Then we want you to scale the large hill where the enemy is hiding and take it over. Now, they have more guns than we do, and are fortified in an elevated area, but we're pretty sure you can take them."

"Hahahahahaha. Wait, are you serious?"

What the hell was Pickett thinking on this one? It makes less sense than a harlequin pony on a midnight train to Halifax. See what I mean?


Middlebrow Answer: Stonewall Jackson
This dude is terrifying. He was basically a one-man wrecking ball during the early parts of the war. He made huge gains for the South at Bull Run, Antietam, and Fredricksburg, and almost single-handedly won Chancellorsville. The guy was invincible. He could have taken on the Uruk-Hai army from the second Lord of the Rings with nothing but a staple-gun and still come out on top.

He was invincible, alright, to everything except bullets from his own men. Jackson was wounded by a few of his own soldiers in 1863 and died 8 days later. You have to feel shitty for a great hero when he dies in a wussy way. Imagine Mel Gibson choking on a ham sandwich at the end of Braveheart, or Russel Crowe stubbing his toe and dying from the infection at the end of Gladiator. Okay, that one isn't so bad. Stubbing your toe sucks.


Highbrow Answer: James Longstreet
You know you're doing something right when Robert E. Lee calls you his "Old War Horse." Getting a nickname from somebody awesome is even better than actually being awesome. I'll know I've made it in Hollywood when Johnny Depp starts calling me "Sparky," or Martin Scorsese dubs me "His go-to guy." Ahhh, dreams.

Longstreet was so badass that he didn't even take Lee's shit. When Lee began planning the tactics for Gettysburg, Longstreet openly disagreed and warned against failure. He was later branded a traitor by the South for his confrontation with the great general, but who the hell cares. It's the South. The only thing down there are homophobic rodeo clowns and illiterate hunting dogs.

Best Civil War Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Cold Mountain
Who the hell cast this thing? Jude Law? Here's a quick history lesson for you. People who lived during the 1860's didn't have low-sodium, no carb Diet Coke or all-natural, organic open-range, gluten-free chicken. They ate meat and potatoes. That's it. The women didn't look like Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellweger; they looked like Kathy Bates or Liam Neeson.

Don't take a historical event and dump a love story all over it. We didn't want to watch "Titanic" and we don't want to watch this. What's next? "Hearts over Chernobyl?"


Middlebrow Answer: Glory
Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick, and the always under-appreciated Carey Elwes highlight the story of the first black regiment for the Union.This movie is like getting a blowjob from a cultural history textbook: it feels amazing and you're learning. The scene where they whip Denzel for stealing a pair of shoes is one of the most powerful moments in Cinema.

The downside of this is the whole "group of diverse people come together to acheive the unachievable" theme. Laaaaame. There's nothing more middlebrow than surmounting impossible obstacles. Just look at "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets."


Highbrow Answer: Gettysburg
It's four and a half hours long, it's extremely accurate, and there are almost no women in it. Sounds like a Noam Chomsky lecture. To actually see what it must have been like to fight at Gettysburg is both terrifying and awesome. Note to self. Stay the fuck away from Little Round Top.

Also, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlin is honestly the most badass American soldier to ever live. He reads highbrow foreign authors, he teaches literature, and he slaughters Confederates. The guy could burn down my house and I'd still go gay for him.