Best Table Game?

Lowbrow Answer: Beirut (Beer Pong)
Why can't Americans just get drunk? Why do we need all the bells and whistles? Go to a bar in England and they'll drink six Stellas and take two tequila shots and they're ready to go. They don't fuck around with all this drinking game nonsense. If I want to have an orgasm, I don't play tennis with my penis until I get off; I masturbate. Pure and simple.

And why is called Beirut? No wonder the Middle East hates our guts. We take their oil, we call them evil, and we name our drinking games after their cities. I'm surprised we haven't renamed pooping as "Dropping a Saudi Arabia" yet.


Middlebrow Answer: Ping-Pong
This sport proves the idea that context is everything. Play ping-pong with your buddies at college and it looks stupid and lame. Play ping-pong with your buddies at the Olympics and it looks fucking terrifying. Have you ever seen the Chinese play? That shit could take your eye out.

The problem with Ping-Pong is that as cool a game as it is when you take it seriously, it's gotten shit on in Hollywood. Think about it. Football has "Brian's Song." Baseball has "Bull Durham" or "Field of Dreams." And Ping-Pong has "Balls of Fury" or "Ping Pong Playa." Kill me.


Highbrow Answer: Snooker
Snooker is like a clitoris; everybody has heard of it but nobody can tell me what it looks like. After some research, I can tell you that, basically, it's highbrow pool. Most of the balls are red and it's only played in England. Oh, England. Why are you so much awesomer than us with your cool accents and your Clive Owen and your Snooker?

The whole thing is based on the geometry of angles. So, if you're a flaming math nerd with a small portion of fine motor skills, you should be fine. And any pursuit where your ability is directly related to your math skill is automatically highbrow. Just look at rocket science or stochastics. (Don't feel dumb, I don't know what that last one is either.)